Forgiveness Revisited: What It Is—and Isn’t

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something.  

They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding the other person prisoner, but you are the one with the pain.

Andy Stanley says, “Forgiveness means we release that person and say, ‘You don’t owe me.’” 

You don’t owe me.

Hmm.

How do you go from a place where you feel someone is emotionally indebted to you to a place you can release and forgive?

Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness really is.

Let’s take a new look at what forgiveness is…and what it isn’t. 

Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions. Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Forgiveness is not judging another. Matthew 7:1-3 reads,

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

The simple fact is none of us knows that true motives in another’s heart. We don’t excuse or condone bad behavior, but it’s not for us to judge. That’s God’s job.

Forgiveness is not dependent upon the other person. In an ideal world, the person who has wronged you would come forward and say he was sorry. He’d acknowledge his wrong-doing and ask for forgiveness. In an ideal world a lot of things would be different. In your situation, the other person may or may not show signs of repentance, remorse or being sorry. Forgive anyway.

Forgiveness is not a one time thing. When Peter came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother sins when he’s sinned against him, Peter thought he was being generous when he offered to forgive up to seven times. Jesus’ reply must have startled Peter when Jesus said seventy times seven. We forgive again and again, but we are also wise as to how we let the other person treat us.

Forgiveness comes in time, not always right away. Sometimes we have to grieve it first, and pray that we can feel it. Worship leader Ross Parsley once said, “Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process.”

Forgiving others is possible, and you can come into a gradually brighter light of understanding how to do so as you:
 

* Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”

* Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”

* Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”

* Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”

 

Forgiveness is an act of your will; it is a choice. Choosing to forgive someone is a heart decision. You may still feel hurt or angry but you don’t have to carry it around in your purse or back pocket. Whether they ask for it or not, whether they change or not, choose to forgive.  

Forgiveness releases you. When you do not forgive you are the one that hurts, not the other person. Don’t let an unforgiving heart eat you up on the inside and destroy you. Whether it was ten years ago or ten days ago, when you forgive you are unbound and free to move into the next season of your life.

Forgiveness is the balm that heals the heart. When the pain has been dealt with you can leave the past in the past.

Forgiveness is possible only by the grace of God. Robert Jeffress has a simple, yet effective definition of grace. He says, “Grace is a deliberate decision to give something good to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” God gives us the strength to release others to His justice, not ours.

Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. It can, but it may not always be wise or safe. Forgiveness does not mean we have to have a relationship with the other person or allow them to treat us badly. In addition, the other person may no longer be alive, or may not be able to receive what you have to say. Use discernment to guard your heart and stay away from a person who’s harmed you.

Forgiveness does not always come easy. That’s for sure.

 

But a person who has been forgiven much and who chooses to forgive others has a freed heart.  

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.” (Psalm 119:32) 

Why not forgive someone today? And be set free!


 

After a Breakup: 10 Things to Heal a Broken Heart

When you break up, it can feel as if the sun has set on your relationship. Goodbye day, hello dark night.

If you or someone you know are reeling from the pain of a dating relationship that has ended or a divorce, I feel for you.

And, I want to offer some hope and encouragement to help you get through it--and move forward into joy. How? Well, here's a good place to start.

Check out this post I wrote on the LIVING SINGLE blog about 10 Things to Heal a Broken Heart. And read the other posts on that blog and this blog, A NEW DAY CAFE. You'll find that you are not alone. You'll find practical help and hope from the One who loves you most, Jesus Christ.

There's hope here.

One day, maybe soon, you will find that the sadness has subsided. The anger is gone. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is truly possible to heal--and, Lord willing, find love again. Only healthier and better next time.

It's time to heal, my friend. The rest of your life is waiting...

The Best of A New Day Cafe: Light in the Darkness - Finding Hope After a Relationship Breakup

Back by popular demand, this post offers comfort, hope and helpful insight for people going through a relationship breakup. I hope it blesses you.

 

 Though I sit in darkness,

the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8

 

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle.

 

Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted.

If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every breakup story has a beginning and an end, and often the healing process is like the cycle of a day. To get from the darkest night of your emotional pain to the light of day--of joy again--read on:  

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

Dawn reveals the truth as God illuminates your thinking, just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon. Hope awakens with the light. You begin to see God’s character (His love and protection over you, His provision and more) and you find out how he redeems losses and restores brokenness.

 

As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams.

With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

Bottom line: When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret.

 

What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life?

The hopeful truth is this: God heals brokenness; God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness.

Indeed, The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

You don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant.

 

He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.

 

 

For more about how to get over a breakup, check out Jackie M. Johnson's helpful book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (Moody Publishers). Available in paperback and e-book in English and Portuguese.

 

Jackie also blogs for singles on the LIVING SINGLE blog on Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk website.

 

 

 

LIVING SINGLE: A New Blog for Singles of All Ages

Hi friends!

 

Just wanted to let you in on some exciting news…

 

In addition to blogging here at A New Day Café, I’ve also started blogging on singles topics on the Living Single blog on Dr. James Dobson’s website.

 

The Living Single blog offers encouragement, insight and hope for singles of all ages. Check out some recent posts:  

 

After a Breakup: Why It’s So Hard to “Let it Go”

 

6 Reasons Why You’re Not Married Yet (plus positive ideas about what to do in the meantime)

 

Real Life Love Stories: Dr. James and Shirley Dobson’s Story

 

Real Life Love Stories: How Ryan Dobson and Laura’s Story (Ryan is Dr. James Dobson’s son)

 

Enjoy!

 

Of course, I will still be blogging here at A New Day Café for readers worldwide.

 

More good news: One of my books, "Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times" will be translated into the Chinese language. Today, it is available in English and Portuguese. May this book of HOPE be a blessing to many people.

 

Take care!

Jackie

After a Breakup: Dealing With Emotional Pain

The start of a new relationship is often bliss. You’re energized, excited and happy.  You think about the other person all the time and you can’t wait to be near him or her again.

It feels so wonderfully good to have that air of anticipation and expectancy as you wonder what’s going to happen next.

You soon discover that you really enjoy each other, and maybe you even begin to envision a life together.  I think Robert Browning must have been in love when the poet penned, “God’s in his heaven—all’s right with the world.”

Then Cloud 9 bursts.

Instead of walking on sunshine, you can hardly slug through the day because longing and loss are weighing you down. Or you’re a bundle of nerves, you’re totally confused or you’re mad as a hornet.

Breaking up produces a multitude of emotions. What do you do with them? Or should you do anything with them?

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why:

You don’t think it matters.

You’re confused by how you’re feeling and don’t know how to handle it.

You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there.

You fear what others will think.

Or, you may feel like you will look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

 

Yet, there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. Know this: While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

In fact, identifying, expressing and releasing emotions are essential because the emotion itself isn’t that important. It’s what you do with it that matters.

Left untreated or unexpressed, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly food relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

The good news is you can get rid of emotional pain. In time, night will give way to day, and then a brand new day—your new beginning!  

Excerpt from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton IsEmpty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

After a Loss or Breakup: Transforming Your Heart and Finding Joy Again

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

 

After a loss of significance, after a relationship breakup or divorce, after all the pain and sadness, better days return. Isn’t it good to know that day always follows night? That winter’s icy blasts always give way to the freshness of spring?  

Joy comes after sorrow. 

Healing is coming and bit by bit. Even the shape of your life is changing. The physician-poet Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.”  I believe the same is true of love—all kinds of love:  

The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.  

You have changed. And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a loss or breakup. Ruin can be restored. As you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions, like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises. Things start to get better.  

Surprisingly, the human heart is quite flexible and resilient; it has the ability to bounce back from difficulties. But you’re really not bouncing “back,” you’re bouncing forward—from darkness to light, deadness to life, brokenness to greater wholeness, fear to courage, and so much more.   

God is all about transformation. “I will guide you,” He says Isaiah 42:16, “I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.”  

Sure, maybe someone has done you wrong. Or, you are astonished that you are still single after all these years. But no matter what your situation, God is still sovereign. He has not forgotten about you.   

Focus forward, read and absorb God’s truths.  As you do, you experience new aspects of God’s character. Faith increases and, over time, you begin to find victory; you are less fearful and more confident. You believe that God has the power to handle your pain and help you make wiser choices. 

Love extravagantly. Love bravely. Love courageously. God’s commandments to love one another are not reserved for just a special man or woman in your life—not just romantic love. No matter what your marital status, you can share the love you have with everyone, and experience all kinds of love in your life.   

Change is coming, and has come. You may not see it, but often others do; they see a difference in your countenance as you get farther from the land of loss and deeper into the delight of a new day. You begin to have a lighter heart, and a sunnier countenance. You seem happier. So celebrate all He has done for you in this journey.  

Enjoy God. Enjoy your life. 

 

Excerpted from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

After a Breakup: Finding Hope and Healing

 

Walking Away

Most relationship breakups happen in January. Why? Because it’s after the holidays and before Valentine’s Day (the traditional love holiday for couples).

If you or someone you know are going through a dating relationship breakup or divorce, here’s some help and hope. You can get through this confusing and painful time. Here are the 12 Steps of Relationship Breakup Recovery:  

1. Deal with endings

2. Get the comfort and support you need

3. Grieve your losses

4. Heal your emotional pain (sadness, anger, fear, rejection, etc.)

5. Experience God’s amazing love for you

6. Discover the power of forgiveness

7. Learn to wait well

8. Awaken hope

9. Restore your confidence and self esteem

10. Wake up to the rest of your life

11. Make healthier choices next time

12. Live in the light

 
But how do you do this?

Check out my helpful breakup recovery book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (in print or e-book) or share it with a friend who’s going through this painful event. It's not fluff. It's packed with encouragement, insight and practical get-your-life-back tips from someone who's been there.

And check out the rest of this encouragement blog, A New Day Café for lots of insight on recovering from a painful breakup. I will be posting more in the new year too.

You can lose the pain; find joy again. It's time...

 

The rest of your life is waiting.

 

 

Dealing with Rejection after a Breakup

 

Breakups are tough. And no matter how hard someone tries to carefully choose their words, rejection hurts. Even if you only went out a few times the sting of their rebuff can leave you feeling like a dating discard or send you into a what-is-wrong-with-me spiral.  

Whether you were together for two weeks or two years, being rejected can leave you feeling unwanted, insecure, or “less than.”  How can you cope? 

When you feel rejected, it’s important to remember that there’s what happened and what you tell yourself about what happened. Often, a guy is not rejecting you as a person, but making a choice on the best fit for him (just as you make a choice on what’s the best fit for you).  

It’s crucial to know that not being chosen doesn’t mean you’re not acceptable. You are still worthy and wonderful whether the other person realizes it or not.  You may not feel very wonderful right now, but don’t let what someone else thinks erode your sense of self.   

Besides the guy may have his own issues to deal with too. When he says, “It’s not you, it’s me” you may want to believe him. On the other hand, there may be things in your own life you want to change—like false beliefs that are preventing you from lasting love. It’s worth praying about and exploring how you can become your best self whether you are in a relationship or not.  

No matter who initiated the breakup, remember that you will always be significant and important in the eyes of the One who loves you most.  

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.  

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.  

God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

 

To learn more about healing from a dating relationship breakup or divorce,

check out When Love Ends by Jackie M. Johnson. Available in paperback or e-book.

 

 

 

 

Standing Strong in Tough Times

Life can be hard at times. Maybe your kids are screaming, and they just won't seem to settle down. Or, you can’t find a job—and you’ve been out of work for months. Could it be that someone you love just left you and you're brokenhearted? Do you have an illness or injury? Or, an ache in your heart wondering if you are dating or just friends with someone you care about?

 

Whatever the situation, you can find HOPE despite your circumstances.

 

To stand strong in challenging times, we need a solid foundation. When we ask, God will build support into our lives so that when the winds of change and challenge blow we won’t topple like the fragile houses of the three little pigs.

 

We will stand strong.

 

Consider what happens when builders construct a skyscraper. In order for the building to be tall and not tumble, the workers first dig a foundation and then pound steel reinforcing rods called pylons deep into the earth. Concrete is then poured into the shaft with the pylons for a super-strong hold.

The same can be true in your life.

As you grow deeper, you grow stronger in your faith. As you immerse yourself in the ways and wisdom of God, the truth (like pylons of hope, trust, courage, and faith), helps you become stronger.

So when your life is spiraling downward or you’re overcome with loneliness, you will be able to withstand more readily the gale-force winds of hard times and pain.

Steel upon steel, story upon story, a structure is built. Likewise, God’s Word tells us that hope comes step by step as “…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Rom. 5:3–4).

Press in to God’s strength and He will help you do what you cannot do on your own. There is hope ahead. And we’re on the way to finding it.

For more about finding hope in hard times,

see Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times (Revell/Baker Publishing Group) by Jackie M. Johnson

When You Feel Like Giving Up: 5 Helpful Ways to Get Through Hard Times

 

 

Life can be hard. How do you press on when you’re emotionally or physically drained? When times are tough, and when you feel like giving up, here are five vital things to help you persevere with God’s strength:  

1) Cast your cares. Don't take on burdens you were never meant to bear—like worry, fear and doubt. They’ll weigh you down and hinder you from being effective. Instead, give God your fears; surrender trying to do it all on your own to Him. Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”  

2) Believe that God will help you. Did you know that God not only loves you—and He LIKES you? But some people find it hard to believe God will actually help them, and the weight of the world on their shoulders is crushing. They think He doesn’t care, or He’s too busy being CEO of the entire universe to be concerned about their unhappy life. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

In fact, God loves you. And he likes you. Despite your feelings of insecurity, inadequacy or other emotion you’re ashamed of, God is all about loving you. You are not alone; help is available and it’s a prayer away.  

3) Press on in prayer. Prayer is the foundation upon which everything else is built in your life. It the most important thing you can do. Talk to God about your situation, because He is the one who has the power to change it.

 

4) Send in reinforcements. Sometimes you need backup. It’s amazing what happens when you receive support in prayer from friends and family members who are willing to pray for you and with you. When you don’t know what to pray, when you’re spent emotionally or physically, or, like Moses, when you need someone to “hold up your arms” (to support you), the prayers of others on your behalf can give you a boost to keep going.  

5) Take action. Taking one small step can lead to another and another and it builds momentum, and things begin to change. You will not be in this hard place forever. God will help you through. Unlike others who may have let you down, God keeps His promises. When you take action in prayer, He moves on your behalf.  

There are still purposes to be fulfilled—lives to touch, things to accomplish, and character to be formed on the inside. Press on, pray on, with holy tenacity, holding on to hope that one day—maybe soon—the check will come, the job will be yours, or the house will be filled with a child’s laughter. 

Whatever it is you long for, tell God your heart’s desires and He will answer.

 

Whether it’s a “yes,” “no,” or “wait,” know that the One who loves you most is working all things together for His good purposes. We may not always understand or like it, but we can know with certainty that one day everything will be made right.

Today, we pray and trust Him.

 

 

 

Coming Out of the Dark: Dare to HOPE

 

Where I live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, sunrise can be spectacular.

The first light of day crawls across the eastern plains, increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of the majestic snow-capped Pikes Peak.

The sun bids the darkness farewell, and the earth awakens. It is a fresh start; a new day.
 
Perhaps you feel like you’ve been living in the dark for some time. Or emotionally sleepwalking, going through the motions of life, but you’re not fully aware or awake on the inside. You may be physically present but not engaging conversationally with people or with life.

You don’t really want to wake up on the inside because you don’t want to feel the pain and it’s just easier to numb out. Your circumstances still seem dark so maybe you think it’s only natural to sleep on the inside.

But now, it’s time to get up. 

Choosing to have hope is a “one prayer at a time; one choice at a time” path that leads to a more whole and healthier attitude and life. You start out by taking your first steps.

As you walk on, roadblocks may come your way, but you navigate obstacles with God’s help. As you choose to follow and keep following, you learn to listen and obey God’s words, and take action.
 
You also have a sense of destination that you’re on your way to a better place—the abundant life—the rich, full life Jesus promised us in John 10:10, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  

The abundant life is not about accumulating stuff, it’s learning to walk in victory, not being a victim to circumstances, and finding satisfaction and joyful confidence because you know who you are and Whose you are.

By taking one step, and then another and another, you leave the old place of brokenness and rubble and walk with FAITH not fear into the future.

Fresh hope delivered daily

Every morning the sun rises; every day the Lord delivers fresh hope. Despite the discouragement and difficulties, you can look back at all God has done in the past in other areas of your life—how He’s kept His promises and has been faithful to keep his word—and you can look forward with hope for good things to come in the future.

A new sunrise, and bright hope.

“Yet this I call to mind
     and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
     for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
     great is your faithfulness.”             

       Lamentations 3:21-23

 

 

 

The WAITING is the Hardest Part - 5 Things You Need to Know about Waiting Well

 

 

The next step in getting over a life loss or breakup has to do with a four-letter word many people don’t like to talk about: wait. Waiting—and learning to wait well.

 

Most of us don’t like to wait. In fact, we live in a world that promotes an instant-minded culture through commercials, radio spots and online ads. Act now! Get what you want when you want it! We are saturated with that message every day. We can fill our cupboards with instant oatmeal or instant soup, but when we try to get instant heart healing from a breakup or loss, we wind up unfulfilled and still hungry.

 

During seasons of waiting in our lives we learn that:

 

1. Waiting is active. Waiting is more than just passing time; and it is not doing nothing. It’s trusting and having faith that the One who delights us in giving will provide what is best for each of us.
2. We wait on God, not man. Waiting on God, not on a man, or yourself makes all the difference. God had good purposes, so your waiting is not in vain. You don’t have to be afraid that God will forget. He knows.
3. Waiting draws us closer to God. Enduring delay builds intimacy and a closer relationship with Him. Jerome Daley in When God Waits says, “God’s greatest purpose in seasons of waiting is to draw you close to himself, to reveal the depth of his commitment to you, and to equip you for your destiny.”
4. Waiting is for a purpose. God uses the seemingly dead times in our lives to heal, replenish and prepare our hearts for the next season in our lives.
5. God keeps perfect time. Things unfold “in the fullness of time,” when He is ready, when circumstances are ready, or when we are ready. You can’t tell a newborn baby to run a marathon and then be disappointed when he does not. It’s not time yet. He has to grow up first, and gain strength and muscle.

Even though we don’t like to wait, we can trust that God has good reasons for delays. We may not always understand what He is doing and why, but God wants us to obey his commands—not because He is a tough taskmaster, but to protect us and guide us. In learning obedience, we also learn wisdom.

The truth is God is God, and we will never fully know His reasons. But we can take comfort in the fact that He is good, loving and faithful—and he is always at work, even in the dark, putting together the pieces of our lives for His good purposes.

 

The Power of Forgiveness

 

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable,

because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.

C.S. Lewis

 

Henri Nouwen once said, “When a wound is healed, there still can be some leftover pain.”

Left behind pain comes in all sorts of ways. It could be due to a divorce (your parents or your own), a death in the family, a family member’s illness, a rape, or abuse (physical, sexual or emotional).

Even if it wasn’t a traumatic experience, people hurt each other all the time in large and small ways. Often, because men and women tend to see life through completely different filters, we end up hurting each other without meaning to or knowing it. Even little hurts and repeated disappointments can pile up and turn into a mountain of resentment.

Forgiveness is the key to healing

A major key that heals brokenness (of all kinds) is forgiving past pain, either forgiving the person who hurt you or forgiving yourself—or both. 

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something. They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding them prisoner, but you are the one with the pain.

Andy Stanley says that when you do not forgive, it’s as if you hold that person hostage in your heart. You take them out once in a while, beat them up, and put them back. Instead, he says, we are to, in a sense, release the person and say, “You don’t owe me.”

Easier said than done, right?

Here is the key. Forgiveness is not acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions. Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.

Oh, that person is still on the hook for what they’ve done. They’re just not on YOUR hook for justice—they’re on God’s hook.

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Forgiveness comes in time, not always right away. Sometimes we have to grieve it first, and pray that we can feel it. How do you forgive?

 

* Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”

* Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”

* Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”

* Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”

Because God has first forgiven us, He commands us to forgive others. Ephesians 4:31, 32, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Forgiveness is an act of your will; it is a choice. And doing so releases you!

What is binding you—bitterness, anger, resentment, or offense?  Perhaps it’s time to release your vice grip hold and forgive. Give God your thirst, your ache, and your needs.

As you choose to forgive and release, you will find freedom and peace.

 

(To find out more about forgiveness, check out "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" by Jackie M. Johnson. Also available in Kindle format.)

 

 

 

 

After a Loss or Breakup: God's Love Changes Everything

Loss of any kind is difficult. But what can we learn from our losses? One of the best gifts we learn is how much God loves us.

Many, many years ago a man named Job suffered greatly. Through the losses, lack, physical pain, embarrassment, and more this good, honest man was being tested and refined. You can read the whole story in the Bible’s book of Job.

Just as gold is refined by intense heat, the heat was on in Job’s life. Finally, he prayed and poured out his heart and troubles to God. And God spoke, confronting Job’s ignorance with an amazing answer about God’s greatness.

Humbled and amazed, Job answered back. “Then Job replied to the LORD: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted…My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you…(Job 42:1-6).

Bottom line? The man had heard about God, but now Job had experienced the LORD firsthand and he was never the same again.

Love changes everything.

No matter how hard life is, we need to know “the unchanging truth of who God is and what He’s accomplished for us”—the true character of the One who “reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.” (Job 12:22)

In your own personal night time—when you feel sad, lonely, or in angst over lost love or dating defeats—God provides light for the way to your new beginning. When you know more about who God is (His character), what He has done and is doing even now, then your response to Him and to your circumstances changes dramatically.

To experience God’s amazing ways on deeper levels we need to “forget not all his benefits.” (Psalm 103:2).

Like unconditional acceptance. Despite our failures and imperfections, God accepts us. No matter who you are or what you’ve done, God’s radically good unconditional love and forgiveness reach everyone. We just need to make the choice to reach back.

Some of the other incredible characteristics about God include:

            His forgiveness (Luke 7:48)
            His mercy (Lamentations 3:22-25)
            His grace (Ephesians 2:8)

            His compassion ((Psalm 103:13)
            His comfort (Psalm 94:19)
            His wisdom (1 Corinthians 1: 20-30)
            His guidance (Psalm 43:3)

            His freedom (John 8:36)
            His healing (1 Peter 2:24)
            His goodness (Psalm 145:9)

            His holiness (Psalm 99:5)
            His majesty (Exodus 15:11)
            His hope (Psalm 62:5)

            His provision (Matthew 6:25-24)
            His protection (Psalm 4:8)
            His power and authority (Matthew 28:18, 19)
            His peace (John 14:27)

When God’s incredible love fills us first, we are not starving for love and approval from others and that helps us to make better choices in the people we date or eventually marry.

 

 

Healing Emotional Pain After a Breakup or Loss

 

 

In choosing to face the night,

I took my first steps toward the sunrise.

Gerald L. Sittser

After a large loss or a breakup, sometimes it’s hard to move on. You may feel like it’s the darkest midnight in your life, but take heart: a new day, a brighter day will come again!

The next step toward getting there is emotional healing. That is, dealing with your emotions and not ignoring them.

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why: You don’t think it matters. You’re confused by how you’re feeling and you don’t know how to handle it. You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there. You fear what others will think.  Or you may feel like you’ll look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

Yet there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

By identifying, expressing and releasing emotions, your heart will begin to heal. Identify your emotions. What are you feeling? Sad, angry, resentful, hurt, numb…or something else? When you acknowledge that emotion to yourself (“I am feeling ____.”). Hard as it is, feel your feelings, learn to express them in healthy ways, and you will find release, freedom and peace.
 

Anger

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every     form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31, 32

Fear

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:11

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Whether you feel angry, rejected, fearful, or any other emotion, you can choose what you want to do with them; your feelings don’t have to control you. You can challenge false beliefs, reject lies, and choose to live in the power of God’s truth. Like the lies of: “I must have this person in order to be happy” or “I am nothing without you.” Not true!

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.

For more on healing your heart from a relationship breakup, check out, "When Love Ends" by Jackie M. Johnson

After a Breakup or Loss: Healing is a Journey, Grieving Your Losses

 

Healing a broken heart is a journey. 

From sadness to joy, anger to peace, rejection to acceptance, and brokenness to a greater level of wholeness, the road to recovery is different for everyone. That’s because loss is different for everyone. Indeed, loss is personal. How you get over someone you once liked or loved and how long it takes will vary.

It’s important to note that the healing takes place in the journey, not at the destination. The lessons you learn along the way and the choices you make can change and transform the landscape of your heart. But remember: Healing is a process and it takes time.

One of the most essential lessons I learned in my season of desert darkness was the importance of grieving losses—going through not around the pain. It was a pivotal point in getting into freedom and joy.  

But like springtime— the shoulder between the dead of winter and the glory of summer—grieving lasts only for a season.  

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time. While you may put on a good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.

Grieving a loss is not a linear process. There is no right or wrong order in which it must be done.  When the waves of sorrow come, ride them out; they will not destroy you. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less impact, and finally recede.

What else can you do?

Acknowledge your losses. Getting through this season of grief and sadness begins by acknowledging that a loss has happened. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something that was there is now gone.

Ask for help. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart.

Let yourself be sad. Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out; they are part of unblocking our inner stuckness and pain.

Recognize what you’ve lost and what remains. It can be helpful to make a list of your losses—and the good things you still have.

Pray. No matter what your circumstances, prayer is powerful. Prayer changes things. And it changes us.

Whether you pray alone, with friends, or a prayer partner, talking and listening with God in a holy dialog is the most important thing you can do to heal your broken heart. It doesn’t have to include elaborate words; it can be simple and heartfelt—as if you were talking to a friend, because indeed you are.

 

After a Breakup or Loss: Getting Comfort and Support

 

Breakups are painful because something has been wounded. But unlike most physical injuries, the pain is on the inside and you can’t see it. You can, however, see the effects of being left or leaving, and often you feel it.  

No matter how long you’ve been together or who broke up with whom, the stress from the emotions of rejection, shock, anger, or betrayal can be felt in a variety of ways.  

One friend of mine said that when her boyfriend told her he’d been seeing someone else she felt like he tore her heart right out of her chest. You may feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach, or you may not feel anything at all—at least initially. You may still be in shock. Of course, these are perfectly normal reactions to bad news. But you don’t have to stay in pain.  

Here are some essential and heart-healing ways to find the comfort and support you need to start your healing process:

Let yourself cry. Crying is a normal and healthy response to a sad situation. Perhaps you’re a person who holds back tears. You may think that if you start crying you will never stop. Let yourself cry. Just let it out. Even if you have to set a time limit, getting your feelings out in this way can be extremely healing.  

Talk to God in prayer. Prayer is a vital key in your healing process. Basically, it’s about talking and listening to the One who loves you most. Why not start each day with prayer for wisdom, guidance, healing and favor and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s done for you that day (whether you enjoyed it or endured it)?  

Worship also brings healing and comfort. In worship, you’re not just singing songs. You’re focusing on God, not yourself. Give God your pain, and enter into His presence. You are communicating your love, gratitude and adoration—but you also end up receiving hope, healing, joy and a fresh encounter with God.  

Put his stuff away. It can be very helpful to put away reminders of the person who just dumped you. It’s hard to move forward into your new future when mementos of your past are pulling you back. If you’re not ready to discard them, box up the photos and treasured objects and put them in storage until the time is right to get rid of them.  

Talk with trusted friends or family members. Albert Schweitzer once said, “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” We need our friends to comfort and support us in our times of need. Telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. 

Write your thoughts and prayers in a journal or notebook; doing so can be very beneficial. When your feelings appear on a page (or even typed online), they are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent your emotions, release your pain and do so in the privacy of your personal journal.  

Nurture your spirit. When your heart is hurting it’s helpful to take care of yourself and remember what makes you feel good. What would best nurture your soul, mind and body right now? What brings you the most comfort when you need heart healing? 

Be encouraged. This is a time of transition.  You’re going from a being couple to a single, from a “we” to a “me.” Change takes time and we all handle it differently, so be good to your self in the process.

 

 

Prayer for heart healing

 

Dear Lord, I am really hurting today. How could this happen?  I simply do not understand. I am sad, and angry and hurt and heartbroken. I give you my pain and cast my cares into the ocean of your love and comfort. I choose to trust You, and remember that no matter what happens you are faithful, kind and good. Even when I do not see where the plot is going, You are still the author of my story. I need You, Lord. I need your close presence. Help me to rest in the comfort of your love. Restore my shattered heart. In Jesus’ name. Amen.