After a Breakup: Finding Hope and Healing

 

Walking Away

Most relationship breakups happen in January. Why? Because it’s after the holidays and before Valentine’s Day (the traditional love holiday for couples).

If you or someone you know are going through a dating relationship breakup or divorce, here’s some help and hope. You can get through this confusing and painful time. Here are the 12 Steps of Relationship Breakup Recovery:  

1. Deal with endings

2. Get the comfort and support you need

3. Grieve your losses

4. Heal your emotional pain (sadness, anger, fear, rejection, etc.)

5. Experience God’s amazing love for you

6. Discover the power of forgiveness

7. Learn to wait well

8. Awaken hope

9. Restore your confidence and self esteem

10. Wake up to the rest of your life

11. Make healthier choices next time

12. Live in the light

 
But how do you do this?

Check out my helpful breakup recovery book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (in print or e-book) or share it with a friend who’s going through this painful event. It's not fluff. It's packed with encouragement, insight and practical get-your-life-back tips from someone who's been there.

And check out the rest of this encouragement blog, A New Day Café for lots of insight on recovering from a painful breakup. I will be posting more in the new year too.

You can lose the pain; find joy again. It's time...

 

The rest of your life is waiting.

 

 

Holy Tenacity: Hope When Life Is Hard

When life is hard....when times are tough...when you don't know what to do about your job, health, career, friends, family or spouse...

Press On.

Perseverance takes courage. Believe that God is who He says He is: loving, mighty, powerful, and willing to meet your needs when you come to Him. When the road is long and life seems impossible, remember that God hears your prayers; He sees your tears. God is with you always, and He is at work in your life.

There are still purposes to be fulfilled—lives to touch, things to accomplish, and character to be formed on the inside. 

Press on, pray on, with holy tenacity, holding on to hope that one day—maybe soon—the check will come, the job will be yours, or the house will be filled with a child’s laughter.

Whatever it is you long for, tell God your heart’s desires and He will answer.

Whether it’s a “yes,” “no,”or “wait,” know that the One who loves you most is working all things together for His good purposes. We may not always understand or like it, but we can know with certainty that one day everything will be made right.

Today, we pray and trust Him.

Excerpted from PowerfulPrayersfor Challenging Times by Jackie M. Johnson

 

Help for Eroding Self Esteem

                                  Just as soil erosion is wearing away of the land,                                        

emotional erosion is the wearing away

of your true self. 

Emotional erosion

Just as a forest fire can lead to erosion of soil, the fire of harsh words, negative comments or repeated rejection can begin to wear away at your self esteem.

It often begins in childhood; even as a child’s image of herself is being formed it is also being torn down. Parents are supposed to protect, provide for, and praise children, guiding and helping them grow into healthy, whole adults. But when a child is put down, belittled, and constantly criticized—wounded with words— she doesn’t feel safe, accepted or wanted. If she is continually ignored or abandoned, even by parents who are physically present but emotionally unavailable, she may feel depleted at an early age.

 

Void of the nutrients of love, care and consistency children need most, this little girl may have no idea how valuable and precious she really is.

Over the years the landscape of her heart begins to change. The constant dripping of another’s anger, ridicule, or living unnoticed begins to form a rut, then a gully and the wearing away of self esteem continues. As an adult she feels hollow, disconnected and she may have tendencies toward perfectionism, people pleasing or depression.

She never feels like she is “enough,” good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough or whatever enough for anyone to love her consistently and well. Guys come and go, and breakup after breakup over the years reinforces her feelings of being unloved, unworthy or less than. Hope withers and self esteems sags.

 

Like the pinkish-purple ice plants that close up at night, a wounded woman hides her beauty and her true self.

We need God’s better-than-20/20-vision to gain a clearer vision of who we really are, to come out of hiding, to be courageous, and to see ourselves as He sees us.

 

Rebuilding self esteem

How do you stop the “wearing away” of emotional erosion? How do you rebuild self esteem and restore confidence?

 

 

Plant seeds of truth. The seeds of truth come from reading and hearing God’s word, planting them in your heart and applying them to your life. In time there is growth, heart hedges holding your life in place—rooted and established.  A key verse in Ephesians explains:

 

 

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:16-19, emphasis mine)

 

 

Rooted in God’s love and what He says about you, you can stand firm when you feel like your self worth is being washed away by the strong winds of someone else’s unkindness or how your hair turned out that day.

 
Whether you were raised in a family that helped you to be rooted and established in a loving environment or not, God can heal the hurt from your past. Established in love means your self esteem is grounded God and you begin to grasp God’s incredible love for you.

So often we want to hide the broken and less-than-perfect parts of our selves. Yet as we come to realize that Christ loves us in the middle of our mess, that startling love helps us to accept both our strengths and weaknesses, both the dark and light, and our self image becomes less broken and more whole. 

A healthy view of yourself is balanced. A woman with a healthy self-esteem respects herself. She feels secure and worthwhile because of what God says about her. She has confidence in relationships and in life and generally more joy. She knows she has significance; she matters. With her sense of worth and value intact, she sits up straight and walks tall. Her head up, this confident woman is friendly, gentle and kind. She makes eye contact when she speaks, and she doesn’t constantly apologize for everything she says or does.

 

The light of Christ brings illumination. Once you’ve discovered your true identity, who you are in God’s eyes, and choose to live in that truth you will begin to see yourself in a whole new light.

 

When your identity is rooted and ground in what God says about you, your self esteem is more solid. You are better able to handle success or failure, deal with change, make decisions, and move forward to give and receive real and lasting love.

 

(Adapted from "When Love End and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" by Jackie M. Johnson, Moody Publishers).

After a Breakup: 7 Things to Help Heal Your Heart (Part 3)

A loss of significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed. When your self esteem falters, and you feel like it’s always midnight, and you hold it all in, the pain can pile up like emotional garbage. It clogs the drain, blocking your emotions as well as your movement forward into healing and wholeness.

Stuck pain can also lead to unwanted behavior. You’re constantly sad or bitter and it keeps you at arm’s length from other people, so you feel alone. You don’t feel like yourself, so you end up saying or doing things you don’t really mean—like blaming others or lashing out in unwarranted anger—and hurt others.

How can you get unstuck?

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time. While you may put on a good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.

1. Express your grief

Grieving a loss is not a linear process.  There is no right or wrong order in which it must be done.  Processing loss can circle around a few times or wash over you like an ocean wave. When the waves of sorrow come, ride them out; they will not destroy you. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less impact, and finally recede.

For some people, getting over a breakup takes a few weeks or months. For others it can take a year or more depending upon the level of relationship, the depth of love, the person’s emotional past, and how they handle emotions in general. Some attachments have more emotional glue than others which makes it harder to separate and to let go.

Everyone heals in their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each person. Here are some ideas on how to process your pain and release your sadness through grieving.

 

2. Acknowledge your loss.

Getting through this season of grief and sadness begins by acknowledging that a loss has happened. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something that was there is now gone.

3. Ask for help.

Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the sunlight of restoration and wholeness.

4. Let yourself be sad.

In his book, Broken, Tim Baker says, “Sorrow is entirely underrated.” I have to agree.  Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out. Tears are part of unblocking our inner stuckness and pain. “It is as if we have to cry so the pain has somewhere to go, and that somewhere is out of us,” said Baker.  

Crying alone can be healing. If you have someone to be with you when you cry, you are indeed blessed. What do you need to release today? Will you release the pain, release control, release your need to be right, release the other person from what he or she did to you—or didn’t?

5. Recognize what you’ve lost and what remains.

It can be helpful to make a list of your losses. Losing a significant love relationship is a loss, but you may have also incurred other losses during this time.

For instance, the loss of companionship and friendship, time spent with that person, and the loss of affection and physical touch.  You no longer have a person who knows you well, understands you, and makes you feel special.  Breaking up could mean the loss of a dream of a life together with that person. There is also loss of trust, loss of control, and the loss of self respect or self esteem.

Think about what remains and make a list of those things too. Whatever your list includes know that when all else is gone, God’s love goes on. He cares, He comforts and He is near to those who hurt. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

6. Remember, God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

The word “redeem” means “to trade in, exchange, or transfer.” Think about discarded scraps of cloth, remnants. In the hands of a skilled seamstress they can be redeemed into a beautiful quilt that provides beauty, warmth and comfort.  God excels at converting heartache to healing, and redeeming things that have been tossed away into something worthy and wonderful.

7. Pray.

No matter what your circumstances, prayer is powerful. Prayer changes things. And it changes us. Whether you pray alone, with friends, or a prayer partner, talking and listening with God in a holy dialog is the most important thing you can do to heal your broken heart. It doesn’t have to include elaborate words; it can be simple and heartfelt—as if you were talking to a friend, because indeed you are.

 

Grieving, like night time, will not last forever. Remember, you’re just passing through on your way to better days. Much better days.

Healing Prayer

Dear Lord, I feel miserable. My heart is broken and I want to get beyond this pain. Will you help me to get unstuck and move forward into joy?  I need Your healing power and love to get me through. Lord, I choose to give you my pain, sadness and losses. I leave all of them at the foot of Your throne and release them. I cast my cares. Be near me Lord, in this dark season. Through this loss, I am thankful for what remains—my health, my friends and family, and mostly You. Thank you for your care, comfort and close presence. I know that You are with me every step of the way.  Lead me, moment by moment, from sadness to joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
 

Want more info on getting over a breakup? Read other posts in this blog to find more help and hope.  -- Jackie M. Johnson

When Love Ends: Dealing with a Dating Breakup or Divorce

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult.

That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection. Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end. This book begins with an ending, the “heart sunset” of your fading relationship, and it ends with a fresh start in the land of new beginnings.

When Love Ends is an integral part of your healing journey. In this four-part book, you’ll follow the cycle of a day, from darkness to light, as an analogy that parallels the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

As the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon, hope awakens and the light of Dawn (the truth about who God is and who you really are) illuminates your thinking. You begin to see God’s character and learn how he redeems losses and restores brokenness. As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams. With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

If you’ve just broken up from a dating relationship, or are still in the process, When Love Ends is an excellent resource. It provides encouragement and hope along with biblical insight and practical help to get you out of the darkness and back into the light of a brighter future.

Your new day will come. Believe it!

Where have you seen "When Love Ends"?

My new book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" is now available online and in stores everywhere--like Barnes and Noble, Family Christian Store and other random places.

Mim in Florida saw "When Love Ends" in the gift shop at Troyer's Dutch Heritage Restaurant in Sarasota.

Where have YOU seen the book?

Let me know and I will post it on my blog. And, if you have a photo (of you with the book, or a photo of the place), send it along. Photo or no photo, it's always fun to find out where in the world you've seen it.

Thanks! And may you find hope, encouragement, and joy today!

When Love Ends: Book Excerpt

Excerpt from When Love Ends
by Jackie M. Johnson

Introduction

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection. Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end. This book begins with an ending, the “heart sunset” of your fading relationship, and it ends with a fresh start in the land of new beginnings.


When Love Ends is an integral part of your healing journey. In this four-part book, you’ll follow the cycle of a day, from darkness to light, as an analogy that parallels the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is about healing emotional pain. You've lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem is in hiding. Repairing heartache comes as you learn to process your emotions and discover some essential keys to healing the hurt. With the “night lights” God provides during life's dark times, like His comfort, wisdom and unconditional love, you are well on your way toward the daylight of joy, freedom and peace.

As the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon, the light of Dawn awakens hope. You begin to understand more about God’s character and how He redeems losses and restores brokenness. Illumination brings restoration, and as you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams. With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

If you’ve just broken up from a dating relationship, or are still in the process, When Love Ends is an excellent resource. It provides encouragement and hope along with biblical insight and practical help to get you out of the darkness and back into the light of a brighter future.

One of the most important things you will encounter on your expedition from breaking up to beginning again is learning to grieve—to process emotions, not avoid them, stuff them, or handle them in unhealthy and or destructive ways. Doing so is essential to moving forward.

In fact, Bernard McGrane, PhD., professor of sociology at Chapman University, says that, “unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives.” It’s what’s blocking our emotions from being heart healthy in the area of relationships. When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

Could it be that your comfort choice has gone down a darker path, like drinking away your pain, taking drugs or having sex with someone you’re not married to—another Mr. Wrong just to try to feel good about yourself for just a little while?

Others, like my friend Alice, turn to books for comfort. She loves to snuggle up with a cozy blanket and a cup of hot tea to read a good book that meets her right where she’s at—and that’s what I hope this book will be for you. Comfort, yes, but so much more. When Love Ends is a heart healing journey that will lead you from the darkness of your breakup pain and into the light of brighter and better days ahead.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret. What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Heal your heart, change your life
It’s time to put down the ice cream carton and pick up your Bible—and this book—to get through the sadness, past the pain and back into joy, life and love again. When Love Ends is not just about healing your heart it’s about changing your life.

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life? If so, read on.

God heals brokenness; He redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness. The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

Each chapter in When Love Ends includes a short healing prayer and discussion questions for use with a small group or Bible Study, or for your own personal use. Day by day, step by step, and choice by choice healing comes. The good news is that despite your soul injuries, you can live a full and joyful life. It may feel like “The End,” but your new beginning will come.

Nightfall is approaching. But you don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant. He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.