A loss of
significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed. When
your self esteem falters, and you feel like it’s always midnight , and you hold it all in, the pain can pile up
like emotional garbage. It clogs the drain, blocking your emotions as well as
your movement forward into healing and wholeness.
Stuck pain can
also lead to unwanted behavior. You’re constantly sad or bitter and it keeps
you at arm’s length from other people, so you feel alone. You don’t feel like
yourself, so you end up saying or doing things you don’t really mean—like
blaming others or lashing out in unwarranted anger—and hurt others.
How can you get
unstuck?
It’s been said
that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time. While you may put on a
good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains.
That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so
you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity
and love.
1. Express your grief
Grieving a loss is
not a linear process. There is no right
or wrong order in which it must be done.
Processing loss can circle around a few times or wash over you like an
ocean wave. When the waves of sorrow come, ride them out; they will not destroy
you. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less
impact, and finally recede.
For some people,
getting over a breakup takes a few weeks or months. For others it can take a
year or more depending upon the level of relationship, the depth of love, the
person’s emotional past, and how they handle emotions in general. Some
attachments have more emotional glue than others which makes it harder to
separate and to let go.
Everyone heals in
their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each
person. Here are some ideas on how to process your pain and release your
sadness through grieving.
2. Acknowledge your loss.
Getting through
this season of grief and sadness begins by acknowledging that a loss has
happened. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something
that was there is now gone.
3. Ask for help.
Pray and ask the
Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power,
emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time
you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the
sunlight of restoration and wholeness.
4. Let yourself be sad.
In his book, Broken, Tim Baker says, “Sorrow is
entirely underrated.” I have to agree. Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a
wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out. Tears are part of unblocking
our inner stuckness and pain. “It is as if we have to cry so the pain has
somewhere to go, and that somewhere is out of us,” said Baker.
Crying alone can
be healing. If you have someone to be with you when you cry, you are indeed
blessed. What do you need to release today? Will you release the pain, release
control, release your need to be right, release the other person from what he
or she did to you—or didn’t?
5. Recognize what you’ve lost and what
remains.
It can be helpful
to make a list of your losses. Losing a significant love relationship is a
loss, but you may have also incurred other losses during this time.
For instance, the
loss of companionship and friendship, time spent with that person, and the loss
of affection and physical touch. You no
longer have a person who knows you well, understands you, and makes you feel
special. Breaking up could mean the loss
of a dream of a life together with that person. There is also loss of trust,
loss of control, and the loss of self respect or self esteem.
Think about what
remains and make a list of those things too. Whatever your list includes know
that when all else is gone, God’s love goes on. He cares, He comforts and He is
near to those who hurt. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those
who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
6. Remember,
God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.
The word “redeem”
means “to trade in, exchange, or transfer.” Think about discarded scraps of
cloth, remnants. In the hands of a skilled seamstress they can be redeemed into
a beautiful quilt that provides beauty, warmth and comfort. God excels at converting heartache to
healing, and redeeming things that have been tossed away into something worthy
and wonderful.
7. Pray.
No matter what
your circumstances, prayer is powerful. Prayer changes things. And it changes
us. Whether you pray alone, with friends, or a prayer partner, talking and
listening with God in a holy dialog is the most important thing you can do to
heal your broken heart. It doesn’t have to include elaborate words; it can be
simple and heartfelt—as if you were talking to a friend, because indeed you
are.
Grieving, like night time, will not
last forever. Remember, you’re just passing through on your way to better days.
Much better days.
Healing Prayer
Dear
Lord, I feel miserable. My heart is broken and I want to get beyond this pain. Will
you help me to get unstuck and move forward into joy? I need Your healing power and love to get me
through. Lord, I choose to give you my pain, sadness and losses. I leave all of
them at the foot of Your throne and release them. I cast my cares. Be near me
Lord, in this dark season. Through this loss, I am thankful for what remains—my
health, my friends and family, and mostly You. Thank you for your care, comfort
and close presence. I know that You are with me every step of the way. Lead me, moment by moment, from sadness to
joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Want more info on getting over a
breakup? Read other posts in this blog to find more help and hope. -- Jackie M. Johnson
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