Hope and Encouragement for Today's Christian Singles

Hi friends!

Just wanted to let you know that I also write a blog for singles of all ages called "Living Single."

Check out some of the latest posts to help you navigate dating and this crazy thing called life. I think you're going to enjoy them!

How to Have a Great First Date: Essential Do’s and Don’ts

Living Empowered: Discovering the Power of God in Everyday Life

Low Self Esteem? 3 Keys to Recalibrating Your Thought Life

6 Reasons Why You’re Not Married Yet

If you'd like, share links from "Living Single" and "A New Day Café" with friends and your social media.

For me, it's all about helping people to know God better, and providing hope and encouragement to help people live with more joy, hope and peace.

Blessings,
Jackie M. Johnson

Encouragement for Today's Christian Single

 

Whether you’re single or married, we all need hope and encouragement. Today, here’s some hope for single readers of all ages.

In addition to this blog, A NEW DAY CAFE, I also write a blog called LIVING SINGLE on the Family Talk website of Dr. James Dobson. Here are links to some recent posts.

I hope you are encouraged and find joy--and renewed hope--after reading these posts.  

6 Ways for Singles to Wait Well

5 Lies That Keep You from Real Rest

Faith, Finances and Finding Wild Hope

News about Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ recent engagement

 

Be well. Be blessed. Trust God. Find joy!

Jackie

 

 

Are We DATING or JUST FRIENDS?

One of the most popular questions I get asked from readers is, "How do I know if we are dating or just friends?" This post, one of the most well-read on A New Day Café blog, is listed below. May it give you insight and hope. -- Jackie M. Johnson

“Where do I stand? Are we dating or just friends?

If you've ever wondered about an ambiguous relationship with a member of the opposite sex, you are not alone. I call it “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is.

It hasn’t been defined.

Sure, you hang out. He comes over. You go out to eat. You talk or text--a lot. Or just sometimes. It may turn into something real and lasting, but it may not.

How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.”

Big idea. Don't miss that one.

The guy needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

You're not really in a real relationship and you're full of uncertainty and angst. That's a hard place to be: relationship limbo. 

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.”

If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Sure, it may be hard to let go of the "thread" of a relationship. But when you do, you free yourself up for the Real Thing. Don’t settle for something, don’t even settle for “sorta good” when God want the very BEST for you.

You are worth being loved well.

Don't let him or her toy with your emotions and your time.

When the right one for you comes along, you’ll know—-because he will show you and tell you. That, my friend, is worth waiting for.

Healing Emotional Pain After a Breakup or Loss

 

 

In choosing to face the night,

I took my first steps toward the sunrise.

Gerald L. Sittser

After a large loss or a breakup, sometimes it’s hard to move on. You may feel like it’s the darkest midnight in your life, but take heart: a new day, a brighter day will come again!

The next step toward getting there is emotional healing. That is, dealing with your emotions and not ignoring them.

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why: You don’t think it matters. You’re confused by how you’re feeling and you don’t know how to handle it. You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there. You fear what others will think.  Or you may feel like you’ll look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

Yet there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

By identifying, expressing and releasing emotions, your heart will begin to heal. Identify your emotions. What are you feeling? Sad, angry, resentful, hurt, numb…or something else? When you acknowledge that emotion to yourself (“I am feeling ____.”). Hard as it is, feel your feelings, learn to express them in healthy ways, and you will find release, freedom and peace.
 

Anger

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every     form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31, 32

Fear

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:11

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Whether you feel angry, rejected, fearful, or any other emotion, you can choose what you want to do with them; your feelings don’t have to control you. You can challenge false beliefs, reject lies, and choose to live in the power of God’s truth. Like the lies of: “I must have this person in order to be happy” or “I am nothing without you.” Not true!

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.

For more on healing your heart from a relationship breakup, check out, "When Love Ends" by Jackie M. Johnson

After a Breakup or Loss: Getting Comfort and Support

 

Breakups are painful because something has been wounded. But unlike most physical injuries, the pain is on the inside and you can’t see it. You can, however, see the effects of being left or leaving, and often you feel it.  

No matter how long you’ve been together or who broke up with whom, the stress from the emotions of rejection, shock, anger, or betrayal can be felt in a variety of ways.  

One friend of mine said that when her boyfriend told her he’d been seeing someone else she felt like he tore her heart right out of her chest. You may feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach, or you may not feel anything at all—at least initially. You may still be in shock. Of course, these are perfectly normal reactions to bad news. But you don’t have to stay in pain.  

Here are some essential and heart-healing ways to find the comfort and support you need to start your healing process:

Let yourself cry. Crying is a normal and healthy response to a sad situation. Perhaps you’re a person who holds back tears. You may think that if you start crying you will never stop. Let yourself cry. Just let it out. Even if you have to set a time limit, getting your feelings out in this way can be extremely healing.  

Talk to God in prayer. Prayer is a vital key in your healing process. Basically, it’s about talking and listening to the One who loves you most. Why not start each day with prayer for wisdom, guidance, healing and favor and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s done for you that day (whether you enjoyed it or endured it)?  

Worship also brings healing and comfort. In worship, you’re not just singing songs. You’re focusing on God, not yourself. Give God your pain, and enter into His presence. You are communicating your love, gratitude and adoration—but you also end up receiving hope, healing, joy and a fresh encounter with God.  

Put his stuff away. It can be very helpful to put away reminders of the person who just dumped you. It’s hard to move forward into your new future when mementos of your past are pulling you back. If you’re not ready to discard them, box up the photos and treasured objects and put them in storage until the time is right to get rid of them.  

Talk with trusted friends or family members. Albert Schweitzer once said, “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” We need our friends to comfort and support us in our times of need. Telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. 

Write your thoughts and prayers in a journal or notebook; doing so can be very beneficial. When your feelings appear on a page (or even typed online), they are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent your emotions, release your pain and do so in the privacy of your personal journal.  

Nurture your spirit. When your heart is hurting it’s helpful to take care of yourself and remember what makes you feel good. What would best nurture your soul, mind and body right now? What brings you the most comfort when you need heart healing? 

Be encouraged. This is a time of transition.  You’re going from a being couple to a single, from a “we” to a “me.” Change takes time and we all handle it differently, so be good to your self in the process.

 

 

Prayer for heart healing

 

Dear Lord, I am really hurting today. How could this happen?  I simply do not understand. I am sad, and angry and hurt and heartbroken. I give you my pain and cast my cares into the ocean of your love and comfort. I choose to trust You, and remember that no matter what happens you are faithful, kind and good. Even when I do not see where the plot is going, You are still the author of my story. I need You, Lord. I need your close presence. Help me to rest in the comfort of your love. Restore my shattered heart. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Breakup Book - Healing the Hurt After a Breakup

 

Going through a relationship breakup? Know someone who is? "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" can bring comfort and healing to the dark time of a breakup or divorce. You'll discover how to process the pain, deal with your greif and loss, and learn ways to make better choices in what you want (and don't want) in a relationship next time.

 

Share the hope with someone who's hurting. Here's a brief excerpt from the book:

 

          And then the day come comes when you don't think about him every day, and the mention of his name doesn't pierce your heart like a verbal arrow, a barb straight into your heart. You can drive past your special place it no longer has a hold on you. It’s just a place. You know who you are and what you want and it's okay. You know God loves you. And that makes all the difference.

 

The sun sets, the heart breaks, but the light of God’s brilliant and illuminating truth shines on. You come to realize that endings are a part of life, and so are new beginnings.

 

And you learn that God redeems your loss and pain, and heals the heart to love again. And one day everything really will be okay.  Maybe not today, but some day. 

 

As the tears pour out you discover that everything happens for a reason, even when you don’t understand or like it.  Bleary-eyed, you look up and smile as it begins to settle in your heart that God really is in control; He knows what He’s doing, He cares and He is working all things together for the good whether the relationship door slammed shut or gently closed behind you.

 

A door closes, a window opens, and a fresh breeze blows into the stale mourning stillness that lingers your heart. In the midst of your mess, God surprises you, and things begin to change…

 

What time is it in your life?  The edge of evening is approaching; it’s time to get the comfort and support you need to begin the heart healing process. The rest of your life is waiting.

 

Getting Over a Breakup: 12 Essential Steps to Finding Joy

 

 

Relationship breakups are often messy, baffling, and just plain hard. Whether you’ve been together for a few years or a few months, you may be feeling sad, angry, confused, rejected, or betrayed. With myriad emotions swirling in your heart and head, it’s important to know that how you deal with endings—don’t—will determine your heart healing and your future love relationships.

 

Some mistakenly believe that “time heals all wounds” or you just have to “get over it.” Others ignore the pain thinking it will just go away. Maybe you’ve tried to soothe the sorrow and fill the void in unhealthy ways: with excessive eating, drinking, shopping, or partying. But you end up stuffed, sloshed, broke, and tired—and you still have a broken heart. When the party’s over, or when the ice cream carton is empty, how do you get past the pain?

 

If you’re stuck in your story, and you can’t seem to let go, maybe it’s time for a heart healing journey—from sadness to joy, and from your darkest night to your brightest days.

 

Psalm 18:28 says, “My God turns my darkness into light.” When you embark on a night into day journey to deal with your heartbreak pain you’re on your way to a bright new beginning.

 

Remember, you are never alone and you will not stay in this painful place forever—God is with you and you’re just passing through.

 

When you deal with your breakup pain—instead of avoiding or ignoring it—you can find new hope, courage and joy, and be better prepared to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire. Often a period of adjustment is needed to go from being a couple to a single again, from being a “we” to a “me.” But you can get through it!

 

Here are 12 essential things you can do to heal your heart and change your life:

 

1. Have heart boundaries. First, stabilize the situation. Just like a physical injury, your heart needs care and recovery time. A broken arm is set in a cast, and “heart boundaries” allow you to separate from the source of pain and protect you from further injury. For instance, you may need to be away from the other person, at least for a time, so you can heal. Don’t keep having post-breakup talks. Don’t call, email or text him just to see how he is, and don’t drive by his house or workplace; it’s hands off. It can be extremely difficult, like withdrawal from a drug. It feels awful and lonely and different, but that’s part of the process—the kind of hurt that heals.
2. Put his stuff away. Get rid of photos or things that remind you of him. Or, box up and store it if you’re not ready to deal with things yet.
3. Get the comfort and support you need. Let yourself cry. Spend time in prayer and pour out your heart to God in a journal or notebook. Talk with trusted friends or family members who will listen and be supportive. Find a good Christian counselor if you need to. Nurture your senses: go for a walk and see the beauty of nature, enjoy the smell of fresh cut flowers, the taste of your favorite comfort foods (in moderation), the sound of relaxing music, or the comforting touch of a hug from a really good friend.
4. Learn from it. Ask God what He wants you to learn from this breakup. What are the “treasures in darkness” and “riches stored in secret places” (Isaiah 45:3) God has for you at this time, this season, of your life?
5. Process emotional pain – It may feel like the midnight hour, but even in our darkest times, God provides night lights. With the light Christ provides we can be encouraged, equipped and empowered to journey through the heart healing process and find restoration and transformation.
1. Deal and feel. In order to heal you have to deal with your emotions. As you feel your feelings, grieve your losses and surrender to God this relationship that didn’t work out you will find release.  
2. Grieving losses is key. You may have incurred loss of love, the loss of affection, and the death of your hopes and dreams with this person. You can “drain the pain” by acknowledging your loss, asking God and others for help, letting yourself be sad, and recognizing not only what you’ve lost but also what remains.
6. Forgiveness is a major way to release breakup pain—forgiving others and yourself. It’s helpful to remember that forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s not condoning what happened. It’s taking them off your hook, and putting them on God’s hook for justice. Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge...” because God will avenge and repay. Forgiveness is not a one-time event, and you may not feel differently right away. An act of your will, forgiving the other person releases you, and leads to freedom and peace.
7. Choose to let go. Often it feels like we cling tightly to the past just like the brown crunchy leaves that cling to barren tree limbs in winter. Their season has passed, yet they still don’t let go. We need the power of the Holy Spirit to blow a fresh breeze into our lives and enable us to do what we can not do. As you release your grip on what you are holding to so tightly, and replace it with Jesus’ unchanging truth), He will restore your weary, wayward or willful heart.
8. Align your thinking with God’s truth. Sometimes your thought life can get hijacked on the Highway of Hope. Rein in your wandering mind and find the power you need to do hard things with God’s truth. The Bible, the Word of God, is a guard rail to keep you safe and on the right path. 2 Corinthians 2:5 reminds us that “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light overcomes darkness.
9. Awaken Hope – The first light of day helps you to see better with your eyes, and the light of God’s truth lets you “see” with your heart. You gain insight and understanding about your situation, about God, and about yourself. It’s a turning point in your healing journey.
10. Experiencing God’s love. After a breakup a few years ago I learned that: God is all-wise, and I can trust Him even when I do not understand (Proverbs 3:5, 6). He is not withholding something good; He is protecting and saving me for His best (Proverbs 16:9, NASB). We were created for His purposes, not the other way around. But the best news is that God is near, and loves you more than you will ever know. He is at work healing your broken heart. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
11. Rebuild your self esteem. After being rejected (or rejecting someone else), the landscape of your heart can get worn away. Like erosion of soil after a rainstorm, erosion in our emotions can come from another’s constant criticism or negative words. To overcome emotional erosion, plant seeds of truth in your life. When the roots grow and go deep into God you will be more stable, strong, and built up in your true identity. Instead of putting yourself down, build yourself up with truth; watch your negative self talk. Remember, losing at love does not make you a “loser.” You are worth being loved well.
12. Move forward – The darkness and pain of the past eventually fades and you begin to move forward into a brand new day. You wake up to the rest of your life and learn to make healthier choices next time. (for more about all of these points, see my book, “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” by Jackie M. Johnson)

There is life after loss, joy after sorrow, and peace after pain. There is hope. One day it really will be okay. One Day. Until then, live in the light. And keep on walking. When love ends, healing can begin.

 

The rest of your life is waiting—and the best days are ahead.

 



Awakening Hope

Even if you are not ready for day

it cannot always be night.

--Gwendolyn Brooks, poet

Where I live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, sunrise can be spectacular. The fingers of early morning crawl across the eastern plains, gradually lluminating the city skyline, and increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of the majestic snow-capped Pikes Peak. You can almost hear the Director signaling His creation, “Cue the morning; let a new day begin!”

The sun bids the darkness farewell, and the earth awakens.  It is a fresh start in your Heart Land as well, as your residual breakup pain fade and hope wakes up. Heartache is turning to healing. 

At the break of day, birds chirp cheerily, the alarm rings (not so cheerily), and sunlight streams through your bedroom window announcing the arrival of morning. The aroma of fresh coffee or hot tea beckons.

But for some people it’s hard to get up and get going. It this half asleep-but-not-yet-awake stage, they rouse and stir a bit, yawn and stretch, and then roll over and go back to sleep. They don’t want to get up yet. It’s too early, or they’re too tired, or they simply have no motivation to get out of bed. Perhaps they want to hold on to the last vestiges of night and linger in the darkness.

Others, bless their “I’m a morning person” heart, are exuberant at the crack of dawn. They spring from slumber to waking with the lively energy of Winnie the Pooh’s friend Tigger, full of bounce and ready to start the day.

Either way, getting out of bed is a choice. Just as having hope is a choice.

You can choose to stay asleep in the darkness of bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. With the curtains closed tightly, and no light penetrating your heart, you wallow and mope, and keep moping.

Or instead, you could choose to follow the way of hope, and keep hoping, choosing to move forward into the full light of day—into the fullness of the abundant life of greater peace, joy and wholeness. 

The outcome of each path is entirely different.

 

Not yet ready for daylight

If you are not yet ready for day, you may hesitate moving forward many reasons. Perhaps you seem to have a hard time letting go of the past.  Your mind keeps wandering back to Memory Lane when things were good and life was happier.

For whatever reason, hope is stirring, but is thwarted.

Perhaps you feel like you’ve been emotionally sleepwalking, going through the motions of life, but you’re not fully aware or awake on the inside. Or, you may be physically present but not engaging conversationally with people or with life. You don’t really want to wake up on the inside because you don’t want to feel the pain and it’s just easier to numb out. Your circumstances still seem dark so maybe you think it’s only natural to sleep on the inside.

The problem is when you’ve been hurt and your hopes have been dashed, it can be hard to move forward and have hope—not only in a new relationship,but in life. Especially if you’ve had many breakups, you get tired of the repeated discouragement. It hurts. It’s hard. And you never want to go through it again. So you put hope to sleep in your life because you don’t want to be disappointed again. You are stuck in your story.

 

And it’s time to get up.

 (Reprinted from "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" by Jackie M. Johnson, Moody Publishing)

Are You Dating or Just Friends?

“Where do we stand?”
Are we dating or just friends?"

It's confusing. It's maddening. It's the peculiar place between friendship and dating; I call it the Unknown Zone. You hang out with someone of the opposite sex. But it's so uncertain. Your relationship has not been defined.

Not really.

Sure, it could turn into something real and lasting, or it may not. How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love: “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.”

The guy needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

Entangled. Yikes. That’s a hard place to be—not really in a real relationship, not really out of one and full of uncertainty.

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.” If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t pretend it's okay because of excuses like: maybe he’s just busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

The bottom line is for whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Sure, it may be hard to let go. But when you do, you free yourself up for the Real Thing. Don’t settle for “it's sorta something” when God want the very BEST for you.

And when the right one for you comes along, you’ll know—-because he will show you and tell you.


Today's post was a reprise of one of the most popular blog posts on A New Day Cafe.