Hope and Encouragement for Today's Christian Singles

Hi friends!

Just wanted to let you know that I also write a blog for singles of all ages called "Living Single."

Check out some of the latest posts to help you navigate dating and this crazy thing called life. I think you're going to enjoy them!

How to Have a Great First Date: Essential Do’s and Don’ts

Living Empowered: Discovering the Power of God in Everyday Life

Low Self Esteem? 3 Keys to Recalibrating Your Thought Life

6 Reasons Why You’re Not Married Yet

If you'd like, share links from "Living Single" and "A New Day Café" with friends and your social media.

For me, it's all about helping people to know God better, and providing hope and encouragement to help people live with more joy, hope and peace.

Blessings,
Jackie M. Johnson

Are We DATING or JUST FRIENDS?

One of the most popular questions I get asked from readers is, "How do I know if we are dating or just friends?" This post, one of the most well-read on A New Day Café blog, is listed below. May it give you insight and hope. -- Jackie M. Johnson

“Where do I stand? Are we dating or just friends?

If you've ever wondered about an ambiguous relationship with a member of the opposite sex, you are not alone. I call it “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is.

It hasn’t been defined.

Sure, you hang out. He comes over. You go out to eat. You talk or text--a lot. Or just sometimes. It may turn into something real and lasting, but it may not.

How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.”

Big idea. Don't miss that one.

The guy needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

You're not really in a real relationship and you're full of uncertainty and angst. That's a hard place to be: relationship limbo. 

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.”

If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Sure, it may be hard to let go of the "thread" of a relationship. But when you do, you free yourself up for the Real Thing. Don’t settle for something, don’t even settle for “sorta good” when God want the very BEST for you.

You are worth being loved well.

Don't let him or her toy with your emotions and your time.

When the right one for you comes along, you’ll know—-because he will show you and tell you. That, my friend, is worth waiting for.

After a Breakup: Dealing with Endings

 

It’s over. Your relationship has ended. Game over. You got dumped. He left or you left—either way you broke up. Now what?

When it comes to breakups, everyone around you will most likely have an opinion. Even your most well-intentioned friends who say things like: Forget about it. There are other fish in the sea. I never liked him anyway. Just get over it. But how?  

How do you heal a broken heart? How do you get rid of the awful kicked-in-the stomach feeling and become a person of resilience, courage, and joy? How do you leave…grieve…and learn to trust and love again? How do you begin again, especially when you just don’t want to?  

It helps to have some perspective… 

Endings are a part of life. In fact, much of life is about beginnings and endings, transitions and changes, losing and finding anew. You graduate from high school or college, and start a job. You leave a job or ministry, and start another one. Sometimes you move from one part of the country to another and start all over again.  

Transition isn’t always easy. For some, adjusting to transition is smooth, for others it’s rocky and staggered. Loss and gain, good and bad, life and death are all part of life, and life has its cycles. You will not stay in this ending phase of life forever; a new beginning will come. You may not know when or how, but it will. Just like the springtime comes every year, even after the hardest of winters.

How you respond to hard times makes a difference. If you pretend life is a storybook with only happy endings, it’s not reality. Hard things happen. Sometimes we lose people or things we treasure. But it does not mean we are losers. I’ve heard that Chuck Swindoll says, “It’s not always what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it that makes a difference.”  

You have choices. You can choose to ignore your pain, numb out, try to forget about it, or do nothing. Or, in the midst of your pain and darkness, you can look to the light of God’s truth for hope, healing and wholeness.  Either way, it’s your choice. How you handle endings, or don’t, will determine how you move forward.  

Keep reading, my friend, since each of the next 12 days will provide help and hope to get you from the rejection and sadness into the light of truth and joy again.

 

(For more about dealing with endings from a relationship breakup, check out When Love Ends by Jackie M. Johnson.)

 

 

Looking for Love? Having Realistic Expectations

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection. The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. Make a list and pray about this important choice.

Love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless. Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also says that the wise woman looks for the inner man, not the exterior. “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

It’s also important not to have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.” Huh. I needed to heart that. I needed to know that marriage, like any relationship, has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As challenging as it can be at times, marriage can also be amazing. The bride and the bridegroom are a picture of how Christ loves the Church. It’s a commitment before God and man to love, honor, and cherish this person all the days of your life—for better or worse. Even when he scatters his clothes on the floor or you are sick. Even when your kids are screaming and you haven’t talked to another adult all day. But when you’ve found someone who accepts you even when you have PMS, and he passionately loves you and loves God with all his heart, you know you’ve found a really good thing.

As you think and pray about what you want in a life partner, keep a realistic view of marriage, both the bright side and challenging side.

Friendship or Dating – Discerning the Difference
Another place to open your eyes and have realistic expectations is in knowing where you stand with a guy. “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is or where you stand. It may turn into something real and lasting, or it may not. How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.” He needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.” If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.