After a Loss or Breakup: Transforming Your Heart and Finding Joy Again

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

 

After a loss of significance, after a relationship breakup or divorce, after all the pain and sadness, better days return. Isn’t it good to know that day always follows night? That winter’s icy blasts always give way to the freshness of spring?  

Joy comes after sorrow. 

Healing is coming and bit by bit. Even the shape of your life is changing. The physician-poet Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.”  I believe the same is true of love—all kinds of love:  

The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.  

You have changed. And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a loss or breakup. Ruin can be restored. As you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions, like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises. Things start to get better.  

Surprisingly, the human heart is quite flexible and resilient; it has the ability to bounce back from difficulties. But you’re really not bouncing “back,” you’re bouncing forward—from darkness to light, deadness to life, brokenness to greater wholeness, fear to courage, and so much more.   

God is all about transformation. “I will guide you,” He says Isaiah 42:16, “I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.”  

Sure, maybe someone has done you wrong. Or, you are astonished that you are still single after all these years. But no matter what your situation, God is still sovereign. He has not forgotten about you.   

Focus forward, read and absorb God’s truths.  As you do, you experience new aspects of God’s character. Faith increases and, over time, you begin to find victory; you are less fearful and more confident. You believe that God has the power to handle your pain and help you make wiser choices. 

Love extravagantly. Love bravely. Love courageously. God’s commandments to love one another are not reserved for just a special man or woman in your life—not just romantic love. No matter what your marital status, you can share the love you have with everyone, and experience all kinds of love in your life.   

Change is coming, and has come. You may not see it, but often others do; they see a difference in your countenance as you get farther from the land of loss and deeper into the delight of a new day. You begin to have a lighter heart, and a sunnier countenance. You seem happier. So celebrate all He has done for you in this journey.  

Enjoy God. Enjoy your life. 

 

Excerpted from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

When You Feel Lonely: Getting Connected

Wayne has a solitary life. Every day he sits behind a computer, alone in a small cubicle at work. At night he sinks into the couch in front of the TV to unwind. He spends much of his free time online and has a sense of “virtual community” but not many friends with whom he interacts in person. Because of his lack of social skills, Wayne is often lonely.

Kate is a new mom who’s home all day with a newborn. She loves her baby girl, but she misses the companionship and conversation of her colleagues at the office.

And Paige, a marketing manager, just moved eight hundred miles across the country to start a new job in a city where she knows no one. She feels a bit lost and disconnected from her friends back home.

No matter what the reason, it hurts to feel isolated, disconnected, or unnoticed.

Sometimes we need the peace and quiet time alone brings; other times we need connection with others. But there’s a difference between loneliness and solitude.

Solitude can be replenishing after a hard week at work or in our prayer time with God. With the One who loves us most we can pour out our problems, ask for help, and thank him for all he has done for us. We can also learn to listen. In the stillness, in the quiet, we can hear what God is trying to communicate to us. Away from noise and distractions, we can absorb truth in new ways.

Loneliness is different. One definition says that “loneliness is a painful awareness that we lack close and meaningful contact with others. It involves a feeling of inner emptiness, isolation, and intense longing.” You may also feel sad, anxious, or inferior because you are unable to connect with people—or connect with a certain person.

We all need to connect with other people. We were created to need each other and to serve each other’s needs. Indeed, our longing for love, friendship, and close friends is real. Such things are vital to our emotional well-being.

Just as a bridge links one place to another, friendships connects one isolated person to another, and soon community is built. You can build connections in all areas of life. For example, build:

• spiritual community with people at church or a small group, prayer group, missions team, or one-on-one with someone like-minded

• social community through a bowling league, moms group, singles group, or coffee with friends

• intellectual community with people from work, a book group, or other group with shared interests

• physical community through a sports team, dance class, or workout partner for the gym

• neighborhood or city community through a local playground, neighborhood block party, or mentoring a disadvantaged youth

• virtual community, but make sure social media connections are not your only connections with other people.

With God, we have the most primary and meaningful connection possible. And that comes in prayer as we talk and listen. Ask God to make his presence real to you today. Ask him to help you to have hope that things can change in your life.  

You can also ask God to give you courage to reach out to another person or to bring caring relationships—with friends, family, or other new people—into your life. Finally, ask what you can do today to build a bridge to another person. 

Jesus said, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). When you know God, you are never alone.

 

Excerpted from Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times (Revell/Baker Books) by Jackie M. Johnson.

 

 

Beauty in Brokenness: Lesson from a Geode

You may have heard the expression, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” That popular saying couldn’t be truer than for a geode.

 

This melon-shaped rock, dull on the outside, is generally gray brown and nondescript. But crack it open with a rock saw, and the ordinary rock reveals on the inside an extraordinary display of colorful quartz crystals and calcite, handmade by the Creator of the universe.

 

Unexpected splendor!

 

Likewise, some days you may feel like the outside of a geode—plain and ordinary—but the truth is there is a treasure within. When Christ lives in you, He can give you confidence on the inside—where it counts.

 

When life’s pressures come and you feel broken in two, God reveals the beauty of brokenness.

 

Excerpted from Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times (Revell/Baker) by Jackie M. Johnson 

A Love Lesson from "Sense and Sensibility"

I've always liked the movie, "Sense and Sensibility" based on the Jane Austen novel of the same name. Maybe it's because of the close relationship of the two sisters, which I am grateful to have in my own life.

Or, the beautiful English countryside. Or, the handsome men and how they break women's hearts. I can relate to that.

Today, I'm posting on a blog for single women called Girls Night In. Check out the link below and find out how two characters in this movie, Elinor and Marianne, reveal an important love lesson.

It's an interesting twist on our most important love relationship. Here's the post.

Enjoy!

Discouraged? Here's Wild Hope for Hard Times

Garden of the Gods Park, Colorado Springs

Where I live in Colorado there’s an extraordinary park with gigantic natural red rocks called Garden of the Gods. Some areas are not open to the public because they need repair. A sign posted there reads, “Area Under Reclamation.” In other words, “Don’t walk here; we’re fixing this section.”  

Just as the land needs ecological restoration, the landscape of your heart may need some spiritual restoration—and often emotional and physical changes as well. The good news is that both landscapes and lives be transformed.  

Restoration is possible, but often we lose sight of how it happens. We lose sight of hope.  

 

Focused solely on our circumstances our view becomes myopic; we see only part of the picture. For example, if you took a photograph of a desert landscape, all you’d see in the four-by-six inch photo would be your perspective from one viewpoint: some sand, cactus and a bit of tumbleweed blowing in the distance.  

But the picture doesn’t tell the whole story. What you couldn’t see beyond the edges of your snapshot was an oasis just ahead, or the desert’s end.  

There’s more to the landscape, and there’s more to your life. Beyond the snapshot in your mind of how you feel at this moment—beyond your discouragement or desperation—there is hope ahead.  

You can have hope in hard times, and in all times, when you know more fully the One in whom we put our hope. Jesus Christ, our Wild Hope. He is “wild” in the sense that He is passionate and powerful—adoring and authoritative—yet often unpredictable.  

Isaiah 55:8 reminds us, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD.” While His ways are often surprising, He acts out of ultimate love. Hope that is wild is extravagant; it is beyond your wildest dreams.  

Restoring the landscape of your life and getting through tough times comes through prayer. Talking with God, and listening. A simple, but holy, conversation.  

A prayer-filled life is a powerful life. It will help you to stand strong in tough times.

 

When you pray, your life—and the lives of those around you—will be forever changed. You will be inspired to live with greater peace, restored hope, and more freedom.

You will discover wild hope through your connection with Jesus Christ—a hope so unexpected yet so wonderfully good, that when you begin to grasp it your life just may be transformed into one of startling kindness, lavish love, and limitless possibilities.  

Now that’s the kind of hope I can hold onto. How about you?

 

After a Breakup: Finding Hope and Healing

 

Walking Away

Most relationship breakups happen in January. Why? Because it’s after the holidays and before Valentine’s Day (the traditional love holiday for couples).

If you or someone you know are going through a dating relationship breakup or divorce, here’s some help and hope. You can get through this confusing and painful time. Here are the 12 Steps of Relationship Breakup Recovery:  

1. Deal with endings

2. Get the comfort and support you need

3. Grieve your losses

4. Heal your emotional pain (sadness, anger, fear, rejection, etc.)

5. Experience God’s amazing love for you

6. Discover the power of forgiveness

7. Learn to wait well

8. Awaken hope

9. Restore your confidence and self esteem

10. Wake up to the rest of your life

11. Make healthier choices next time

12. Live in the light

 
But how do you do this?

Check out my helpful breakup recovery book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (in print or e-book) or share it with a friend who’s going through this painful event. It's not fluff. It's packed with encouragement, insight and practical get-your-life-back tips from someone who's been there.

And check out the rest of this encouragement blog, A New Day Café for lots of insight on recovering from a painful breakup. I will be posting more in the new year too.

You can lose the pain; find joy again. It's time...

 

The rest of your life is waiting.

 

 

Single at Christmas? Here's Some Christmas Cheer!

The stockings are hung. The presents are wrapped. The tree is aglow with lights. The fire burns brightly as carolers sing. And mistletoe is just waiting for you and your special someone to enjoy “the most wonderful time of the year!” 

Stop! Is this a Christmas movie we’re talking about? Because for many of us who are single or single again, it sounds like a fairy tale. Or a Hallmark card. Or someone else’s life. 

Yes, many singles struggle during the holidays to find the joy and the jolly amidst the holiday rush and the holly.   

What if you just broke up, or are recently divorced?
What if you can't afford to fly home for the holidays?
What if your family doesn’t gather—or you have no family to go home to?

 

And you feel lonely, sad, dejected or depressed.  

Here are some tips and gentle reminders to help you not just survive the holidays, but maybe even to thrive:  

Give and serve. Lucy in the Peanuts Christmas TV special was right. Charlie Brown was depressed and she advised him to get involved with the local community Christmas play. What can you do in your community to help others? Volunteer at a food bank. Help with a toy drive. Offer to baby sit while friends with children do their holiday shopping. Or, whatever moves you. Doing for others brings joy to them—and to you! 

Connect. Ask a friend to have coffee or tea. Share your heart with a trusted friend so he or she can empathize and pray for you. Sometimes it helps to just get it out and talk about how you’re feeling.  

Pray. Ask God to give you comfort and joy, and a sense of community. You never know what may happen to surprise you. One friend I know did not have any plans for Christmas Day. So she prayed and asked God for something to do on this special holiday. Then, just a few days before the holiday, she got an invitation to join a family she knew from church for their Christmas dinner and celebration.  

Enjoy it anyways. So even if you get no offers. Even if you end up alone on Christmas, decide to enjoy it anyways! You can buy some special foods you like, or treat yourself to a favorite meal (just pick it up the day before since many restaurants are closed on Christmas Day). We have choices! Even if “home for the holidays” will not happen for you, you can choose to focus on what you do have—not on what you don’t have.  

Focus on the true meaning of Christmas. You will find meaning and joy as you look to the true story of the birth of Jesus Christ: a baby, born of a virgin girl, who grew up to love and change the world. Amazing, but true, Love came down at Christmas—God WITH us. Emmanuel.  

 

So what is the meaning of that first Christmas night?

  Simply, He came to make everything right.

  For the Child had a purpose in coming to Earth.

He came as a light and to give us new birth.

 

He gave us forgiveness and paid with His life.

  What kind of love would pay such a price?

For death could not hold Him; He rose from that grave.

And freedom and life were the gifts that He gave.

 

No longer divided, no longer alone,

  Because of His love the wall had come down.

  Live free forever! O, what a gift!

Both now here on earth and forever with Him.

 

Wise men and angels followed Him then.

  Wise men still seek Him, again and again.

 

 

That’s from a poem I wrote some years ago about the true meaning of Christmas.

Finally, remember who loves you. Love changes everything. So, whether you have the love of a good woman or man—or don’t—you still have different kinds of love in your life that can be cultivated and CELEBRATED all through the year. Like the love of family or friends or pets or neighbors or others.  

And mostly, the love of a kind and generous God who is always there loving you—whether you feel it or not. Love came down at Christmas. For you. For me. On that you can rely.

 

Merry Christmas and blessings for an extraordinarily good New Year!

Jackie M. Johnson