Getting Over a Breakup, Making Better Choices Next Time

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Psalm 143:8

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make wiser and healthier choices by becoming a woman of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We'll talk about each healthier choice each day this week.

Become a woman of wisdom
Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date—the world’s way or God’s way.

In Western culture, dating is often recreational and include levels of emotional and physical intimacy (like having sex before marriage) that are contrary to Christian beliefs.

While the word “dating” does not appear in the Bible, it does say that a Christ-follower is to marry a believer. 2 Corinthians 4:16 reads, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

God’s word does not have an Intro to Dating 101 section, however we know that He desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. Honoring another person following biblical principles means being more other-centered than self-centered, and intimacy after commitment (the commitment of marriage).

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

We can look at the commands living a holy life and apply them to all our relationships, including dating and marriage. The book of Ephesians lists a few: Be completely humble, be patient, bear with one another (4:2); speak truthfully (4:25); in your anger do not sin (4:26); build up others with your words (4:29); get rid of bitterness (4:31); be kind and compassionate, forgive each other (4:32); and live a life of love (5:2).

Just as natural light dispels the darkness; the light of God’s word reveals truth. Step by step, moment by moment and choice by choice, your heart is illuminated with understanding and “aha!” moments; you finally get it and begin to change how you see yourself, God, and His role in your love life.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up
on the inside. When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature. What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the Savior who is her future and her hope.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursing her. A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” Know it, do it, change your life.

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

What keeps women from making better choices in the men they choose and how they act when they’re with them? Selfishness. Rebellion. Ignorance. Apathy. Many things.

But it’s also important to know that as much as you want to get it right, the evil one wants you to get it wrong. The Christian life is a constant struggle between good and evil, truth and lies. Your enemy wants you to fail. In fact, he is like a thief who only wants to “steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10). He wants to steal your joy, kill your dreams and destroy your relationships. But take heart, Jesus came so that you “may have life, and have it to the full.”(same verse).

The enemy lies to you when you hear that you’re not enough (not pretty enough, thin enough or good enough to find a man). He lies when you feel like you’ll never find someone special, that you’ll be alone forever, that no one really cares, or that you will never change. Not true. Don’t buy into the evil one’s lies. He’s been doing it since the Garden of Eden. He deceived Eve and he will try to deceive you.

When you know the truth and stand you can combat the enemy’s lies and find victory in your love life and your entire life.

Hurting After a Breakup? Grab Hold of Comfort and Support from A Single Girl Who's Been There

Breakups hurt. That’s a fact. And everyone handles the demise of a relationship differently. Some people want to avoid interaction completely, so they stay home and isolate themselves from what they think will be further pain. Just flop on the couch, flip on the TV and zone out to a place where anger and anxiety disappear, even for just a few hours.

Another common tendency is to obsess about the relationship, and think about what happened (or didn’t happen) over and over again. You replay in your mind the last few conversations you had. You know the dialog of your breakup by heart (he said this, then I said that, then he said…), but you still don’t understand what really happened between the two of you to get to this painful point.

Like a hamster on a wheel that goes around and around but gets nowhere, your mind seeks answers, insight, and closure.

Breakups are painful because something has been wounded. And, much like a physical injury, an emotional wound needs care, comfort and recovery time.

Healing emotional pain from a relationship split begins when you stabilize the situation. Separate from the source of pain, the other person, so you can prevent further injury and begin the healing process. It’s like a cast on a broken arm, but it’s a heart boundary for a time and for a purpose.

For example, don’t go back and keep having repeated post-breakups talks or interactions with the person who broke your heart. It can be extremely difficult, like withdrawal from a drug, to keep your hand off the phone but it will be easier to heal in the end.

Don’t call or email him just to see how he is, and don’t drive by his house or office. You may be tempted to want to reach out to him and connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar—but your goal here is not connecting, it’s disconnecting. It feels awful and lonely and different. But that’s just part of the process.

Of course, every situation is different. I’m not saying that you have to cut off all contact completely or forever. Some women I know have been able to be friends with people they’ve dated, but not right away. The truth is: A time of separation is essential if you are ever going to have a platonic friendship in the future.

Breakups can be complicated, and you may need to have a few talks to get to the finale. But use wisdom and discretion. Hard as it can be, I’ve found that being away from the other person completely, at least initially, was more healing in the long run than the slow hanging-on-to-fragments-of-what’s-left relationship death.

Pray about it and ask God how to best tie up the loose ends of your ending.

A wise woman has self respect and doesn’t grovel; she knows when to walk away and to whom to run—into the arms of her First Love and Great Physician, Jesus. He is the one who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

Remember, you won’t be in this painful place forever. In the meantime, here are some great ways to find the comfort and support you need…

Let yourself cry.

Say hello to “the God all comfort.” His love, His presence, and His word are healing gifts.

Prayer is a vital key in your healing process. Why not start each day with prayer for wisdom, guidance, healing and favor and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s done for you that day (whether you enjoyed it or endured it)?

Worship also brings healing, comfort, joy and a fresh encounter with God.

Put his stuff away. It’s hard to move forward into your new future when mementos of your past are pulling you back. If you’re not ready to discard them, box up all the photos and treasured objects he gave you and put them in storage until the time is right to get rid of them. Also, think about deleting his number from your cell phone so you’re not tempted to do some desperate dialing or texting in a weak moment.

Talk with trusted friends or family members.We need our friends to comfort and support us in our times of need. Telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. When someone listens we feel validated. Talk to your close friends or family members about your breakup story, not to bash the guy or cause harm, but to get it out of you—to release it, so you can find freedom and healing.

Write in a journal or notebook. When your feelings appear on a page (or even typed online), they are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent your emotions, release your pain and do so in the privacy of your personal journal.

Think about asking God these questions and writing down your answers: Lord, what do you want me to learn from this relationship that just ended? What are you teaching me during this healing time? God has valuable life lesson in every season of our lives, even the dark times.

Nurture your spirit.When your heart is hurting it’s helpful to take care of yourself and remember what makes you feel good. Comfort comes in a variety of ways and uses some or all of our senses:

the touch of a friend’s hug, a therapeutic massage, or a warm comforter around you as you rest in an overstuffed chair by a roaring fire;

the sight of the stunning beauty of God’s creation (on vacation or right in your own backyard), or a redecorated apartment;

the smell fresh cut flowers filling your living room, or a new perfume;

the taste of your favorite comfort foods (like creamy mashed potatoes or a hot caramel latte);

the sound of relaxing music, the melody of a flowing river on a nature walk, or a phone call from a kind friend who is really good at cheering you up.


This is a time of transition. You’re going from a being couple to a single, from a “we” to a “me.” Change takes time and we all handle it differently, so be good to your self in the process.

Some days you will stumble and some days you will stand firm, but no matter what happens you walk on, knowing that you are one step closer to brighter days ahead.


Prayer
Dear Lord, I am really hurting today. How could this happen? I simply do not understand. I am sad, and angry and hurt and heartbroken. I give you my pain and cast my cares into the ocean of your love and comfort. I choose to trust You, and remember that no matter what happens you are faithful, kind and good. Even when I do not see where the plot is going, You are still the author of my story. I need You, Lord. I need your close presence. Help me to rest in the comfort of your love. Restore my shattered heart. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Finding Love Again: Wisdom is Key

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make healthier choices in the future by becoming a person of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We’ll talk about each one of these characteristics each day this week on A New Day Café blog—right here.

Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date. If you’re a person of faith, will you look for love in the world’s way or God’s way?

There is no Intro to Dating 101 section in the Bible, but we know that God desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. For one thing, that means being more other-centered and less self-centered.

It also means to be humble, be patient, bear with one another, to speak truthfully to build up others with your words, to be kind and compassionate, to forgive each other, and to live a life of love. Check out the book of Ephesians in the Bible for more about how we are to treat others—no matter who they are.

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up on the inside.

When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature.

What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the One who is her future and her hope: Jesus Christ.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursuing her.

A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” (James 1:22)

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

Pounded for a Purpose

Surrender is one of those words you love to hate. On one hand it implies that you give in or give up. You admit defeat, usually by waving a large white flag like they do in the movies. But in real life, in my life, I am coming to love the word surrender. Perhaps because I better understand what it means.

First, you have to know to whom you are surrendering and why…and how the results can be infinitely good. I'm talking about surrendering to God. Laying down my plans, my agendas, and my will. Yeah, that stuff. It can be brutally hard to “give it to God” as they say. Prying away every finger from what you hold tightly is not easy.

Perhaps it’s a dream…you lay down wanting to get married, or have a child, or be in the career you always wanted. Perhaps it’s a bad habit or addiction that you want to get rid of, but it has a vice grip on your life.

I am learning that to surrender is to yield—like when you yield right of way on the road to a truck that is larger than your car so it doesn’t crush you. Knowing to whom you yield makes all the difference. The God I serve, God Almighty, is kind, loving, so much wiser than me. He is good. Knowing that He acts for my ultimate good and His greatest glory helps me to be able to defer to a higher purpose, a bigger plan. Father really does know best. And I can trust Him.

It took me a long time to learn that lesson. I’d often thought that things in my life were being “crushed,”or my hopes dashed because I had done something wrong. I had fallen out of His good graces. Or maybe He wasn’t really “good” after all. Maybe I had misplaced hope and it really was all up to me to make things happen.

But none of that is true.

The truth is sometimes things are crushed for a reason. Take the process of making bread. It all starts with tall stalks of wheat swaying in a field, most likely on the Kansas prairie. Mr. Farmer harvests the wheat and it gets crushed into flour. Surrender. Then Ms. Baker uses the wheat flour to make dough. She pounds it and lets it rise; pounds it and lets it rises again. Another crushing. But pounded for a purpose. She puts it in an excruciatingly hot oven and finally, after a very long journey: transformation. The delightful smell of fresh baked bread fills the room. And the crushed little heads of wheat finally know the purpose for which they were intended, and it is very good! Fresh baked bread, pass it around!

Here’s what Jesus himself said, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.”(John 6:35)


I am Wheat

I am wheat,
willowy, golden brown stalks
swaying gently in the breeze,
basking in the amber glow of twilight.
I live
because a seed first died --
a small, hard piece of potential
buried in the soil of opportunity
I thrive,
through summer storms and sunshine,
delighting the prairie.
Harvest time:
From kernels gathered and crushed,
flour becomes dough,
kneaded with skillful hands,
pounded for a purpose.
I wait
and wait to rise and bake,
for timing is essential.
I am a crusty loaf,
carrying the delightful aroma
of fresh baked bread to the world
for the One who said, “I am the bread of life.”

-- Jackie M. Johnson