Forgiveness Revisited: What It Is—and Isn’t

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something.  

They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding the other person prisoner, but you are the one with the pain.

Andy Stanley says, “Forgiveness means we release that person and say, ‘You don’t owe me.’” 

You don’t owe me.

Hmm.

How do you go from a place where you feel someone is emotionally indebted to you to a place you can release and forgive?

Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness really is.

Let’s take a new look at what forgiveness is…and what it isn’t. 

Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions. Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Forgiveness is not judging another. Matthew 7:1-3 reads,

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

The simple fact is none of us knows that true motives in another’s heart. We don’t excuse or condone bad behavior, but it’s not for us to judge. That’s God’s job.

Forgiveness is not dependent upon the other person. In an ideal world, the person who has wronged you would come forward and say he was sorry. He’d acknowledge his wrong-doing and ask for forgiveness. In an ideal world a lot of things would be different. In your situation, the other person may or may not show signs of repentance, remorse or being sorry. Forgive anyway.

Forgiveness is not a one time thing. When Peter came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother sins when he’s sinned against him, Peter thought he was being generous when he offered to forgive up to seven times. Jesus’ reply must have startled Peter when Jesus said seventy times seven. We forgive again and again, but we are also wise as to how we let the other person treat us.

Forgiveness comes in time, not always right away. Sometimes we have to grieve it first, and pray that we can feel it. Worship leader Ross Parsley once said, “Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process.”

Forgiving others is possible, and you can come into a gradually brighter light of understanding how to do so as you:
 

* Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”

* Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”

* Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”

* Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”

 

Forgiveness is an act of your will; it is a choice. Choosing to forgive someone is a heart decision. You may still feel hurt or angry but you don’t have to carry it around in your purse or back pocket. Whether they ask for it or not, whether they change or not, choose to forgive.  

Forgiveness releases you. When you do not forgive you are the one that hurts, not the other person. Don’t let an unforgiving heart eat you up on the inside and destroy you. Whether it was ten years ago or ten days ago, when you forgive you are unbound and free to move into the next season of your life.

Forgiveness is the balm that heals the heart. When the pain has been dealt with you can leave the past in the past.

Forgiveness is possible only by the grace of God. Robert Jeffress has a simple, yet effective definition of grace. He says, “Grace is a deliberate decision to give something good to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” God gives us the strength to release others to His justice, not ours.

Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. It can, but it may not always be wise or safe. Forgiveness does not mean we have to have a relationship with the other person or allow them to treat us badly. In addition, the other person may no longer be alive, or may not be able to receive what you have to say. Use discernment to guard your heart and stay away from a person who’s harmed you.

Forgiveness does not always come easy. That’s for sure.

 

But a person who has been forgiven much and who chooses to forgive others has a freed heart.  

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.” (Psalm 119:32) 

Why not forgive someone today? And be set free!


 

Help for Breakup Pain

A few years ago, I watched the largest wildfire in Colorado history come over the mountains and into our city. Homes were lost. Lives were lost. After the fire, all you could see for acres in one prestigious neighborhood were ashes and the remains of solid, brick chimneys.

It was devastating.

Natural disasters are harsh and hard to deal with. So are breakups. Whether you are dealing with a dating relationship breakup or a divorce, they often feel like the internal equivalent of a disaster in nature, only it's on the inside of you; it's a "emotional disaster."

So it’s over. Then what?

You start to assess your losses. You stand and look at the landscape of your life and see the loss of love, the loss of companionship, the loss of a dream. Perhaps he was the one you thought you'd marry and now that idea has died. Or, you weren't even dating that long but you really connected with this person; you wonder if you will ever find anyone like him again.

Then, there are all the emotions to deal with--sadness, anger, confusion, feelings of rejection and more.

But some people avoid their emotional pain. Why? For one thing, as Mr. Griffen said to Annie in the movie We Are Marshall, “Grief is messy.”

I agree. It is messy. Mascara runs down your face when you cry, your eyes get puffy and your nose gets red. Your emotions fluctuate like the highs, lows and unexpected turns of a roller coaster ride. It’s not pretty. But then again, neither is a rainstorm in springtime when the roads flood and the mud slides.

But grieving, like spring— the shoulder between the dead of winter and the glory of summer—lasts only for a season.

If you are going through a bad breakup and want to get over it, it’s important to know what grief is, why it’s important to process it, how to go through it.

 

What is grief?

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Grieving? For a breakup? What’s the big deal? I mean, you just pick up the pieces and move on, right?” I have learned that “grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind” and that it is okay; it’s necessary. Grieving a loss is not just for the loss of a loved one through death, but for other losses as well.

Why deal with breakup grief?
The pain won’t just go away if you ignore it. In fact, it is widely known that holding back emotions or not dealing with them can lead to increased physical stress and even physical illness.

You may have felt the shock of someone you loved unexpectedly decided to call it quits or numbness when you’re overloaded with emotions and seem to short circuit inside. Perhaps a feeling of denial has come over you. However grief manifests in your life, eventually the full impact of the loss will surface. But you can eventually come to terms with it and find peace.

Getting unstuck
A loss of significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed. When your self esteem falters, and you feel like it’s always midnight, and you hold it all in, the pain can pile up like emotional garbage.

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time.

While you may put on a good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.

How to express your grief
Grieving a loss is not a linear process.  There is no right or wrong order in which it must be done.  Processing loss can circle around a few times or wash over you like an ocean wave. When the waves of sorrow come, ride them out; they will not destroy you. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less impact, and finally recede.

Everyone heals in their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each person. Here are some ideas on how to process your pain and release your sadness through grieving.

Acknowledge your loss. Getting through this season of grief and sadness begins by acknowledging that a loss has happened. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something that was there is now gone.  

Ask for help. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the sunlight of restoration and wholeness.  

Let yourself be sad. In his book, Broken, Tim Baker says, “Sorrow is entirely underrated.” I have to agree. “Sometimes,” he continues, “we feel that crying is showing weakness and that real Christians, if they’re truly saved, would never feel sorrow or cry…” Nothing could be further from the truth. Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out. Tears are part of unblocking our inner stuckness and pain.

When Life Is Hard: There Is Hope

 
You’re sad. Broke. Frustrated. Stressed out. Angry. Hurt. Someone has done you wrong—or you’ve done something stupid, and you know it.  You just want to give up. To quit.

Whether you’re dealing with a breakup, unemployment, a person who drives you crazy or something else, life can be just, plain hard sometimes.  

Maybe you’re in desperate need and there never seems to be enough—enough money, enough love, enough time—and you’re simply tired of it.  

Everyone faces adversity. How do you deal with it? When tough times get you down, how do you cope? 

The good news?  

You can have hope in hard times—in all times—when you know more fully the One in whom we put our hope: Jesus Christ. 

He is “wild” in the sense that He is passionate and powerful, adoring and authoritative, yet often unpredictable.

 

Isaiah 55:8 reminds us, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD.” Hope that is wild is extravagant; it is beyond your wildest dreams.  

While His ways are often surprising, God acts out of ultimate love.

Even when you haven’t a clue as to how things will ever change, you can have hope for the future and for this very moment because:  

·       God is sovereign. He is in control and you can trust Him even when you do not understand.  

·       God is loving. He accepts you unconditionally, despite your circumstances or poor choices. He’s chosen you; He’s just waiting for you to choose Him back.  

·       God is wise. He knows what He’s doing and His wisdom and ways are far beyond our comprehension.  

·       God keeps His promises. He is trustworthy to do what He says He will do, and that strengthens your faith.

·       God is faithful. He is totally reliable and utterly dependable.

God will provide. He is with you and He is for you.  

And, get this—the same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is available to you and me today, and we access His power through prayer.  

A prayer-filled life is a powerful life. It will help you to stand strong in tough times. 

When you pray, your life—and the lives of those around you—will be forever changed. You will be inspired to live with greater peace, restored hope, and more freedom. You will discover wild hope through Jesus Christ, a hope so unexpected yet so wonderfully good, that when you begin to grasp it your life just may be transformed into one of startling kindness, lavish love, and limitless possibilities.  

The economy may fluctuate, your bank balance may rise and fall, and your emotions may ebb and flow like the ocean tide, but one thing is true: the word of the Lord stands forever.  

God will take care of you. He is totally reliable, willing and able to meet your needs more than you can ever imagine—wildly more, extravagantly more.

 

For more information about Jackie M. Johnson, visit www.jackiejohnsoncreative.com.

 

 

 

After a Breakup: Finding Hope and Healing

 

Walking Away

Most relationship breakups happen in January. Why? Because it’s after the holidays and before Valentine’s Day (the traditional love holiday for couples).

If you or someone you know are going through a dating relationship breakup or divorce, here’s some help and hope. You can get through this confusing and painful time. Here are the 12 Steps of Relationship Breakup Recovery:  

1. Deal with endings

2. Get the comfort and support you need

3. Grieve your losses

4. Heal your emotional pain (sadness, anger, fear, rejection, etc.)

5. Experience God’s amazing love for you

6. Discover the power of forgiveness

7. Learn to wait well

8. Awaken hope

9. Restore your confidence and self esteem

10. Wake up to the rest of your life

11. Make healthier choices next time

12. Live in the light

 
But how do you do this?

Check out my helpful breakup recovery book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (in print or e-book) or share it with a friend who’s going through this painful event. It's not fluff. It's packed with encouragement, insight and practical get-your-life-back tips from someone who's been there.

And check out the rest of this encouragement blog, A New Day Café for lots of insight on recovering from a painful breakup. I will be posting more in the new year too.

You can lose the pain; find joy again. It's time...

 

The rest of your life is waiting.

 

 

Dealing With Losses and Getting Unstuck

"If you don't grieve well, you grieve all the time."

Sometimes life hurts. People move away. Or pass away, or break up with us. We get fired or yelled at. Or we’re misunderstood or mistreated. Whatever it is, it feels really bad. We just want the pain to go away.  

Certainly, in times of loss you need to cry. You need to get it all out. You have a right to your emotions.

 

But when months have passed, or years, there could remain some "emotional garbage." Which, like regular garbage in your home, needs to be taken out. Grief left unattended blocks your emotions as well as your movement forward into healing and wholeness.  

Bottom line: A loss of significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed.  

Stuck pain can also lead to unwanted behavior. You’re constantly sad or bitter, and it keeps you at arm’s length from other people, so you feel alone. You don’t feel like yourself, so you end up saying or doing things you don’t really mean—like blaming others or lashing out in unwarranted anger. You hurt others.  

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well, you grieve all the time. While you may put on a good front for friends and co-workers, inside the lingering sadness remains.  

On the other hand, when you express your grief and deal with it, you can become emotionally stronger and healthier. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.  

It’s time to “drain the pain” and express your grief so you can move forward.  

How to Express Your Grief

Everyone heals in their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each person. Here are some ideas on how to process your pain and release your sadness through grieving.  

1.     Acknowledge your loss. Getting through this season of grief and sadness begins by acknowledging that a loss has happened. Someone or something that was there is now gone.

2.     Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the sunlight of restoration and wholeness. “The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down” (Psalm 145:14, NIV).

3.     Ask for help from a close friend or family member who will listen as you share your story of loss. When someone listens to your heart, and hears your pain, he or she is a witnesses your sorrow and it can be life-changing.

4.     Let yourself cry. Get the hugs you need. Allow others to pray for and with you. And receive all the peace and comfort that God and others have for you.  

The good news is that you will not feel this way forever. Your gray days will one day turn to vibrant colors again. Perhaps it’s not today, or next week, but one day; maybe soon…  

Your new day will come.

 

For more information about dealing with sadness, grief

and life losses, see “When Love Ends” by Jackie M. Johnson.

There's an entire chapter on healing grief and losses.

The WAITING is the Hardest Part - 5 Things You Need to Know about Waiting Well

 

 

The next step in getting over a life loss or breakup has to do with a four-letter word many people don’t like to talk about: wait. Waiting—and learning to wait well.

 

Most of us don’t like to wait. In fact, we live in a world that promotes an instant-minded culture through commercials, radio spots and online ads. Act now! Get what you want when you want it! We are saturated with that message every day. We can fill our cupboards with instant oatmeal or instant soup, but when we try to get instant heart healing from a breakup or loss, we wind up unfulfilled and still hungry.

 

During seasons of waiting in our lives we learn that:

 

1. Waiting is active. Waiting is more than just passing time; and it is not doing nothing. It’s trusting and having faith that the One who delights us in giving will provide what is best for each of us.
2. We wait on God, not man. Waiting on God, not on a man, or yourself makes all the difference. God had good purposes, so your waiting is not in vain. You don’t have to be afraid that God will forget. He knows.
3. Waiting draws us closer to God. Enduring delay builds intimacy and a closer relationship with Him. Jerome Daley in When God Waits says, “God’s greatest purpose in seasons of waiting is to draw you close to himself, to reveal the depth of his commitment to you, and to equip you for your destiny.”
4. Waiting is for a purpose. God uses the seemingly dead times in our lives to heal, replenish and prepare our hearts for the next season in our lives.
5. God keeps perfect time. Things unfold “in the fullness of time,” when He is ready, when circumstances are ready, or when we are ready. You can’t tell a newborn baby to run a marathon and then be disappointed when he does not. It’s not time yet. He has to grow up first, and gain strength and muscle.

Even though we don’t like to wait, we can trust that God has good reasons for delays. We may not always understand what He is doing and why, but God wants us to obey his commands—not because He is a tough taskmaster, but to protect us and guide us. In learning obedience, we also learn wisdom.

The truth is God is God, and we will never fully know His reasons. But we can take comfort in the fact that He is good, loving and faithful—and he is always at work, even in the dark, putting together the pieces of our lives for His good purposes.

 

Top 12 Blog Posts of 2012 on A New Day Café

It’s time to wrap up 2012—to review the past year and celebrate the new one that’s just around the corner. So here are the top 12 blog posts of 2012 that you, my readers, chose as the most read:

1. The Breakup Book - Healing the Hurt After a Breakup

2. The Value of Rest: Finding More LIFE in Your Life

3. Are You Dating or Just Friends?

4. Need Hope? "Powerful Prayers for ChallengingTimes" Coming Soon!

5. Holy Tenacity: Hope When Life Is Hard

6. The Importance of Connection: Facebook Is One Thing;Face-to-Face Friendships are Priceless

7. Busy and Stressed? 5 Lies Keeping You from Peace &Rest 

8. Perseverance: A Lesson from Mountain Climbing 

9. Prayer for the Tragic School Shooting in Connecticut 

10. Single at Christmas: Help When You Feel Alone

11. Getting Over a Breakup: 12 Essential Steps to Finding Joy

12. Help for Eroding Self Esteem

 

And, the #1 most read blog post of all time on A New Day Café?

Dealing with Unresolved Grief is Key to Healing YourHeart after a Breakup—or Any Loss

 

Resilience: Bouncing Back After A Breakup

Breakups can be difficult. When I was younger it seemed that every broken relationship I had with a guy was completely devastating. Back then, I didn’t have the emotional resources to handle the situation. After one particularly sad ending, I remember how hard it was to even eat. Lifting a fork to my mouth seemed like a Herculean effort.

I felt as if I was tree in a windstorm, tossed about an bending precariously close to the ground. The good news is that in time, the emotional storm ended. Gray clouds rolled away and revealed the hopeful light of the sun again. Hope returned!

Recovering from rejection takes time and the truth. Learning the truth about your situation, who you are in Christ and how much God loves you are keys to healing. You are loved, and you are worth being loved WELL.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back after hard times. Do you allow the tragedies of life to destroy you, or can you learn from them and move forward with new courage and hope that God will provide for you? Conside these ideas:

Accept the fact that life will never be the same again. You are different, the situation is different. In time, healing will come and you will grow to be a stronger and better person.

Express your feelings appropriately. Many people suppress their emotions and try to push them away. But like a beach ball shoved under the water, your emotions will pop back up again and they may come back up in a place and time you least expect it. Start by naming what you feel and letting yourself feel it (with yourself, a counselor or trusted friend). Like “I am angry…I am hurt…I am sad…”

Grieve the loss. Death, divorce, breakups, and the loss of a dream are some of the most devastating situations in life. Sometimes you just need to cry and cry out to God. He is always there with open arms to comfort and heal.

Look up with hope. Although it may not seem like it, your stormy times will end. We can have peace because God has a plan. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring but we know the One who knows. Never doubt the goodness of God.

Give God time. Healing comes step-by-step. Each day brings you closer, whether it’s through a friend’s phone call or a new truth learned in a book you've read. Some well-meaning people may say things like, “Get over it” or “Get on with your life.” But you can know that God has you on his timetable and His timing is perfect!

Learning resilience, recovering, and starting over is about letting go of what we think should happen and when it should happen. It’s total dependence on God to bring us back to wholeness. Healing will come. You will survive–and in time, thrive!

Lord, give me the strength to be resilient. May you bring growth from the pain, order from the chaos and abundance out of my lack. Fill me with Your love and joy again.

Breakup Repair: Spring Cleaning Your Heart

Recently I was driving downtown and spotted the city's old train station across the street. It had once been a bustling transportation hub, but over time the facility was abandoned and fell into disrepair.

Years later someone had the bright idea to renovate the old building, and now the once defunct train station has been transformed into offices and stylish lofts.

Transformation. Change.

Hmmm…It was time for some fixing up in my own life too.

After a breakup a few years ago, I had been so consumed with my own misery and getting over a guy that I almost forgot who I was and what I wanted-—and what God wanted for me.

Slowly I began to wake up and remember that, among other things, I wanted to write, to travel, and to get my finances in order so I could be a generous giver. I wanted to feel joy again.

I could tell a fresh wind of change was blowing in my life because as I emerged from the breakup blues, I suddenly got the urge to spring clean everything-—and it wasn’t even springtime!

I got rid of clothes that no longer fit or were no longer in style. I wanted to redecorate and did a few small things to my place. I was changing and I wanted my environment around me to change too.

Is it time for new purposes, new visions, and new dreams in your life?

Are there things you want to change? Like a winter coat in July, it may be time to shed some old ways of thinking, like negative self talk or put downs. Maybe you want to lose weight or take a class—not because some guy is telling you to change, but because you want to do it for yourself.

Take this time to focus on what you want to be different in your life: get in touch with friends, learn more about how men work, or update your wardrobe. Out with the old, in with the new!

No matter what you discard, don’t ever throw away the outfit that looks good on everyone and never goes out of style: “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, emphasis mine)

Moving forward, making changes, and living beyond your breakup begins as you wake up to the rest of your life, and arise to:

gratitude,

community,

joy,

serving others,

vision and purpose, and

adventure—learning to trust again and take risks.

There is more, and the rest of your life is waiting!

Dealing with Unresolved Grief is Key to Healing Your Heart After a Breakup—or Any Loss

So you’ve had a bad breakup? Or a loss of another kind. It’s hard. It hurts. But here’s some hope and insight.

One of the most essential lessons I learned in my season of desert darkness was the importance of grieving losses—going through not around the pain. I learned that “unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives.”

Unresolved grief? I knew I was sad and hurt from my last breakup. I was surely in pain. But it had never occurred to me that I had “grief” and it had to be resolved. Wasn’t grieving for getting over a death?

In the ensuing months, I came to learn that grieving was for all sorts of losses. It gave me a name for the permeating underlying sadness I’d been feeling for months.

Why do people avoid processing emotional pain, especially when emotions are strong? For one thing, as Mr. Griffen said to Annie in the movie We Are Marshall, “Grief is messy.” Mascara runs down your face when you cry, your eyes get puffy and your nose gets red. Your emotions fluctuate like the highs, lows and unexpected turns of a roller coaster ride. It’s not pretty.

But then again, neither is a rainstorm in springtime when the roads flood and the mud slides. But grieving, like spring— the shoulder between the dead of winter and the glory of summer—lasts only for a season.

Maybe you’ve seen people who try to hide their pain. They put on a pretend smile when inside they are dying emotionally. Like a like a duck gliding along the surface of a pond, they seem calm and unruffled, while underneath they’re paddling like mad just to stay afloat.

If you are going through a bad breakup--or any sort of loss in your life--an you want to get over it, it’s important to know what grief is, why it’s important to process it, how to go through it.

What is grief?
Perhaps you’re thinking, “Grieving? For a breakup? What’s the big deal? I mean, you just pick up the pieces and move on, right?” James and Friedman give us some important basics, “Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”

Grieving is okay. It’s necessary. It’s not just for the loss of a loved one through death, but for other losses as well. “The problem,” they continue, “is we have all been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.”

The pain won’t just go away if you ignore it. In fact, it is widely known that holding back emotions or not dealing with them can lead to increased physical stress and even physical illness.

A loss of significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed. When your self esteem falters, and you feel like it’s always midnight, and you hold it all in, the pain can pile up like emotional garbage. It clogs the drain, blocking your emotions as well as your movement forward into healing and wholeness.

Stuck pain can also lead to unwanted behavior. You’re constantly sad or bitter and it keeps you at arm’s length from other people, so you feel alone. You don’t feel like yourself, so you end up saying or doing things you don’t really mean—like blaming others or lashing out in unwarranted anger—and hurt others.

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time. While you may put on a good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.

Here are a few things to remember:

Grieving a loss is not a linear process. Processing loss can circle around a few times or wash over you like an ocean wave. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less impact, and finally recede.

Everyone heals in their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each person.

Acknowledge your loss. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something that was there is now gone.

Ask for help. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the sunlight of restoration and wholeness.

Let yourself be sad. In his book, Broken, Tim Baker says, “Sorrow is entirely underrated.” I have to agree. “Sometimes,” he continues, “we feel that crying is showing weakness and that real Christians, if they’re truly saved, would never feel sorrow or cry…” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out. Tears are part of unblocking our inner stuckness and pain. “It is as if we have to cry so the pain has somewhere to go, and that somewhere is out of us,” said Baker.

What do you need to release today? Will you release the pain, release control, release your need to be right, release the other person from what he or she did to you—or didn’t?

Recognize what you’ve lost and what remains. It can be helpful to make a list of your losses. Losing a significant love relationship is a loss, but you may have also incurred other losses during this time.

For instance, the loss of companionship and friendship, time spent with that person, and the loss of affection and physical touch. It could mean the loss of a dream of a life together with that person. There’s also the loss of trust, loss of control, and the loss of self respect or self esteem.

Dig in to God’s word. Writers of the Psalms, like David, often cried out to God with disappointment, sadness, longings and doubt. Then, after ranting and ravings, he’d remember God’s goodness and faithfulness in bringing him through his trials. He wasn’t afraid to express how he really felt, yet found, in the “but God” moments, a transition from tears to trust, from sorrow to celebration or from heartbreak to hope.

Pray. No matter what your circumstances, prayer is powerful. Prayer changes things. And it changes us.

Grieving losses is difficult, but not impossible. As night falls and darkness settles in you may feel hesitant or afraid to walk on. But take heart. Grieving, like night time, will not last forever.

Remember, you’re just passing through on your way to better days. Much better days.

Prayer by prayer and moment by moment healing comes. With the light of Christ to illuminate the way, things begin to change or you change, or both. You start to reorient your life around other events, places, or people and in time you return to a happier version of yourself with less sadness and more joy.

God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.


Prayer
Lord, my heart is broken. Will you help me to get beyond this pain and move forward into joy? I need Your healing power and love to get me through. Lord, I choose to give you my pain, sadness, loss and loneliness. I cast my cares. Be near me Lord, in this dark season and always. Through this loss, I am thankful for what remains—-my health, my friends and family, and mostly You. Thank you for your care, comfort and close presence. Lead me, moment by moment from sadness to joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

When Love Ends: Book Excerpt

Excerpt from When Love Ends
by Jackie M. Johnson

Introduction

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection. Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end. This book begins with an ending, the “heart sunset” of your fading relationship, and it ends with a fresh start in the land of new beginnings.


When Love Ends is an integral part of your healing journey. In this four-part book, you’ll follow the cycle of a day, from darkness to light, as an analogy that parallels the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is about healing emotional pain. You've lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem is in hiding. Repairing heartache comes as you learn to process your emotions and discover some essential keys to healing the hurt. With the “night lights” God provides during life's dark times, like His comfort, wisdom and unconditional love, you are well on your way toward the daylight of joy, freedom and peace.

As the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon, the light of Dawn awakens hope. You begin to understand more about God’s character and how He redeems losses and restores brokenness. Illumination brings restoration, and as you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams. With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

If you’ve just broken up from a dating relationship, or are still in the process, When Love Ends is an excellent resource. It provides encouragement and hope along with biblical insight and practical help to get you out of the darkness and back into the light of a brighter future.

One of the most important things you will encounter on your expedition from breaking up to beginning again is learning to grieve—to process emotions, not avoid them, stuff them, or handle them in unhealthy and or destructive ways. Doing so is essential to moving forward.

In fact, Bernard McGrane, PhD., professor of sociology at Chapman University, says that, “unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives.” It’s what’s blocking our emotions from being heart healthy in the area of relationships. When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

Could it be that your comfort choice has gone down a darker path, like drinking away your pain, taking drugs or having sex with someone you’re not married to—another Mr. Wrong just to try to feel good about yourself for just a little while?

Others, like my friend Alice, turn to books for comfort. She loves to snuggle up with a cozy blanket and a cup of hot tea to read a good book that meets her right where she’s at—and that’s what I hope this book will be for you. Comfort, yes, but so much more. When Love Ends is a heart healing journey that will lead you from the darkness of your breakup pain and into the light of brighter and better days ahead.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret. What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Heal your heart, change your life
It’s time to put down the ice cream carton and pick up your Bible—and this book—to get through the sadness, past the pain and back into joy, life and love again. When Love Ends is not just about healing your heart it’s about changing your life.

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life? If so, read on.

God heals brokenness; He redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness. The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

Each chapter in When Love Ends includes a short healing prayer and discussion questions for use with a small group or Bible Study, or for your own personal use. Day by day, step by step, and choice by choice healing comes. The good news is that despite your soul injuries, you can live a full and joyful life. It may feel like “The End,” but your new beginning will come.

Nightfall is approaching. But you don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant. He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.

What Brings You Comfort?

So, I'm thinking about comfort today.

Why? Because I'm working on Chapter 2 of my next book--the one about breakups and how to get over them. I love the word "comfort" because it's so, well, comforting. To me it conjures up images of sleeping in late and snuggling up with a plush warm, down comforter. Or drinking a fresh, hot caramel latte. Or sitting by a crackling fire in an overstuffed chair while the rain pours and the thunder rolls overhead.

What brings you comfort? Traditional comfort foods like mac and cheese? Brownies? Mashed potatoes? How about a therapeutic massage to relax and restore tired muscles? Many people love the full sound of their favorite music resonating throughout the house. A hug. A smile from a friend. A phone call from someone who is really good at cheering you up. All comfort things. All good.

One night, months after a traumatic breakup, I wondered what the Bible said about comfort so I got out my concordance and looked up every single reference to comfort in the entire book! There's like over 70 verses about it! And here I learned that the greatest Comforter of all was pouring out love, nurture, wisdom and all I needed to hear: like his unfailing love is my comfort (Psalm 119:76) and his rod and staff (his protection and direction) comfort me (Psalm 23:4).

How do you nuture your soul, as well as your mind and body? What brings you the most comfort when you need heart healing? Think about it. And when your next disappointment or down day comes, you'll be ready. As for me, hand me another caramel latte--and my Bible. My Comforter is waiting.

Endings and New Beginnings

Summer is slowly fading like the evening sun behind the Rocky Mountains. One season is ending and another beginning. I've never been good with endings, especially in relationships. But I've learned a lot over the years and I'm writing a book to help others like me. It's called, "When Love Ends" and it's geared for singles of all ages. I'm creating a new website for it now.

So, what's worked for you? What are some ways you've coped with a breakup?

Be encouraged. It may feel like the darkest night, but your New Day will come. "the LORD turns my darkness into light." 2 Samuel 22:29