After a Breakup: Dealing With Emotional Pain

The start of a new relationship is often bliss. You’re energized, excited and happy.  You think about the other person all the time and you can’t wait to be near him or her again.

It feels so wonderfully good to have that air of anticipation and expectancy as you wonder what’s going to happen next.

You soon discover that you really enjoy each other, and maybe you even begin to envision a life together.  I think Robert Browning must have been in love when the poet penned, “God’s in his heaven—all’s right with the world.”

Then Cloud 9 bursts.

Instead of walking on sunshine, you can hardly slug through the day because longing and loss are weighing you down. Or you’re a bundle of nerves, you’re totally confused or you’re mad as a hornet.

Breaking up produces a multitude of emotions. What do you do with them? Or should you do anything with them?

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why:

You don’t think it matters.

You’re confused by how you’re feeling and don’t know how to handle it.

You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there.

You fear what others will think.

Or, you may feel like you will look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

 

Yet, there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. Know this: While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

In fact, identifying, expressing and releasing emotions are essential because the emotion itself isn’t that important. It’s what you do with it that matters.

Left untreated or unexpressed, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly food relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

The good news is you can get rid of emotional pain. In time, night will give way to day, and then a brand new day—your new beginning!  

Excerpt from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton IsEmpty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

The WAITING is the Hardest Part - 5 Things You Need to Know about Waiting Well

 

 

The next step in getting over a life loss or breakup has to do with a four-letter word many people don’t like to talk about: wait. Waiting—and learning to wait well.

 

Most of us don’t like to wait. In fact, we live in a world that promotes an instant-minded culture through commercials, radio spots and online ads. Act now! Get what you want when you want it! We are saturated with that message every day. We can fill our cupboards with instant oatmeal or instant soup, but when we try to get instant heart healing from a breakup or loss, we wind up unfulfilled and still hungry.

 

During seasons of waiting in our lives we learn that:

 

1. Waiting is active. Waiting is more than just passing time; and it is not doing nothing. It’s trusting and having faith that the One who delights us in giving will provide what is best for each of us.
2. We wait on God, not man. Waiting on God, not on a man, or yourself makes all the difference. God had good purposes, so your waiting is not in vain. You don’t have to be afraid that God will forget. He knows.
3. Waiting draws us closer to God. Enduring delay builds intimacy and a closer relationship with Him. Jerome Daley in When God Waits says, “God’s greatest purpose in seasons of waiting is to draw you close to himself, to reveal the depth of his commitment to you, and to equip you for your destiny.”
4. Waiting is for a purpose. God uses the seemingly dead times in our lives to heal, replenish and prepare our hearts for the next season in our lives.
5. God keeps perfect time. Things unfold “in the fullness of time,” when He is ready, when circumstances are ready, or when we are ready. You can’t tell a newborn baby to run a marathon and then be disappointed when he does not. It’s not time yet. He has to grow up first, and gain strength and muscle.

Even though we don’t like to wait, we can trust that God has good reasons for delays. We may not always understand what He is doing and why, but God wants us to obey his commands—not because He is a tough taskmaster, but to protect us and guide us. In learning obedience, we also learn wisdom.

The truth is God is God, and we will never fully know His reasons. But we can take comfort in the fact that He is good, loving and faithful—and he is always at work, even in the dark, putting together the pieces of our lives for His good purposes.

 

After a Breakup: The Story (Part 1)

You never forget your first love. So they say. I will never forget my first big breakup.

Saying goodbye to Matt wasn’t like ending a high school romance or getting over a guy I’d dated a few times. He was the first of the big ones in the Breakup Big Leagues.

I met Matt in our church singles group. I’d been out of college for a few years and was involved in the leadership team so he knew who I was, but I didn’t know him well. One evening in late fall he called and asked me out. I knew enough to know that he was polite, friendly and seemed like a nice guy, so I said yes.

Over the course of the afternoon I discovered that Matt was interesting and easy to talk to, but I was unsure how I felt about him. I wasn’t initially attracted to him, but I liked his heart and wanted to get to know him better. He was mature in his faith. He was kind. He listened attentively and (gasp!) he asked me questions about me. Over the next few months Matt and I dated, and I grew more in like with him.

One January night at a singles retreat in northern Wisconsin we took a walk on a frozen lake and were holding hands under a clear, star-filled sky. He brought up the “L” word. It was more theoretical than personal when he said, “What do you think about love?” Love?  It wasn’t really on my radar with him—at least not yet. My cynical and jaded reply was “Love, love . . . who really knows what love is?” Yeah. That must have been a mood killer for him.

But he kept pursuing me.

Matt and I spent a lot of time together over the next six months, but I never told him how I really felt about him.

 

The following spring we went to a retreat together. After dinner we took a walk down a wooded path to enjoy the restful early evening calm. I felt good about how things had been progressing with us, and as we walked I told him that I was committed to moving forward with him. He seemed overjoyed, and we strolled back to the retreat center content and happy.

The next day he ended our relationship.

After all of his intense pursuit, he was suddenly stopping. What? Why? I was stunned. Matt told me that as long as I didn’t seem fully committed to him, as long as I was uncertain, then he didn’t have to make a decision about us. But once I decided I was “all in,” he had to back out because he wasn’t ready to make a commitment. 

It turned out that during all the months we were dating he still was pining over the woman who’d dumped him before dating me! He still believed that she was “The One” for him and he couldn’t be with me if there was still some chance he could have her.

Interestingly, this other woman was already dating someone else—and he knew that. But Matt still backed out and would not commit to me because of her.

 After I got home from that trip I tried to make sense of it all, but I couldn’t. Like a tornado on the Kansas prairie emotions swirled wildly around in my head: I was bewildered, confused, hurt, mad, and sad. I forgot to eat at times, and lost a lot of weight. I couldn’t sleep well and cried often. Basically, I was an emotional mess.

Since it was my first big breakup, I didn’t really know what to do to make the pain go away. I didn’t have a frame of reference for it or emotional resources to process the pain in healthy ways. We’d spent so much time together and had a strong emotional connection that after he left I felt like a part of me was missing.

How could loving make you feel so good and someone leaving make you feel so lousy?

Whether you are an angry man or a sad woman because of your breakup, it’s important to know your story. That means being clear about what happened—in your head. You may not always get the clarity you need from the other person. Be honest with yourself…and then move forward and find healing.  

Read the next blog post in this series--and most of the other posts in A New Day Cafe blog--to find hope and practical help.

Your better days will come!