After a Breakup: 10 Things to Heal a Broken Heart

When you break up, it can feel as if the sun has set on your relationship. Goodbye day, hello dark night.

If you or someone you know are reeling from the pain of a dating relationship that has ended or a divorce, I feel for you.

And, I want to offer some hope and encouragement to help you get through it--and move forward into joy. How? Well, here's a good place to start.

Check out this post I wrote on the LIVING SINGLE blog about 10 Things to Heal a Broken Heart. And read the other posts on that blog and this blog, A NEW DAY CAFE. You'll find that you are not alone. You'll find practical help and hope from the One who loves you most, Jesus Christ.

There's hope here.

One day, maybe soon, you will find that the sadness has subsided. The anger is gone. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is truly possible to heal--and, Lord willing, find love again. Only healthier and better next time.

It's time to heal, my friend. The rest of your life is waiting...

The Best of A New Day Cafe: Light in the Darkness - Finding Hope After a Relationship Breakup

Back by popular demand, this post offers comfort, hope and helpful insight for people going through a relationship breakup. I hope it blesses you.

 

 Though I sit in darkness,

the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8

 

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle.

 

Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted.

If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every breakup story has a beginning and an end, and often the healing process is like the cycle of a day. To get from the darkest night of your emotional pain to the light of day--of joy again--read on:  

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

Dawn reveals the truth as God illuminates your thinking, just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon. Hope awakens with the light. You begin to see God’s character (His love and protection over you, His provision and more) and you find out how he redeems losses and restores brokenness.

 

As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams.

With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

Bottom line: When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret.

 

What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life?

The hopeful truth is this: God heals brokenness; God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness.

Indeed, The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

You don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant.

 

He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.

 

 

For more about how to get over a breakup, check out Jackie M. Johnson's helpful book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (Moody Publishers). Available in paperback and e-book in English and Portuguese.

 

Jackie also blogs for singles on the LIVING SINGLE blog on Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk website.

 

 

 

After a Breakup: Dealing With Emotional Pain

The start of a new relationship is often bliss. You’re energized, excited and happy.  You think about the other person all the time and you can’t wait to be near him or her again.

It feels so wonderfully good to have that air of anticipation and expectancy as you wonder what’s going to happen next.

You soon discover that you really enjoy each other, and maybe you even begin to envision a life together.  I think Robert Browning must have been in love when the poet penned, “God’s in his heaven—all’s right with the world.”

Then Cloud 9 bursts.

Instead of walking on sunshine, you can hardly slug through the day because longing and loss are weighing you down. Or you’re a bundle of nerves, you’re totally confused or you’re mad as a hornet.

Breaking up produces a multitude of emotions. What do you do with them? Or should you do anything with them?

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why:

You don’t think it matters.

You’re confused by how you’re feeling and don’t know how to handle it.

You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there.

You fear what others will think.

Or, you may feel like you will look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

 

Yet, there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. Know this: While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

In fact, identifying, expressing and releasing emotions are essential because the emotion itself isn’t that important. It’s what you do with it that matters.

Left untreated or unexpressed, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly food relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

The good news is you can get rid of emotional pain. In time, night will give way to day, and then a brand new day—your new beginning!  

Excerpt from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton IsEmpty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

After a Loss or Breakup: Transforming Your Heart and Finding Joy Again

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

 

After a loss of significance, after a relationship breakup or divorce, after all the pain and sadness, better days return. Isn’t it good to know that day always follows night? That winter’s icy blasts always give way to the freshness of spring?  

Joy comes after sorrow. 

Healing is coming and bit by bit. Even the shape of your life is changing. The physician-poet Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.”  I believe the same is true of love—all kinds of love:  

The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.  

You have changed. And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a loss or breakup. Ruin can be restored. As you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions, like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises. Things start to get better.  

Surprisingly, the human heart is quite flexible and resilient; it has the ability to bounce back from difficulties. But you’re really not bouncing “back,” you’re bouncing forward—from darkness to light, deadness to life, brokenness to greater wholeness, fear to courage, and so much more.   

God is all about transformation. “I will guide you,” He says Isaiah 42:16, “I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.”  

Sure, maybe someone has done you wrong. Or, you are astonished that you are still single after all these years. But no matter what your situation, God is still sovereign. He has not forgotten about you.   

Focus forward, read and absorb God’s truths.  As you do, you experience new aspects of God’s character. Faith increases and, over time, you begin to find victory; you are less fearful and more confident. You believe that God has the power to handle your pain and help you make wiser choices. 

Love extravagantly. Love bravely. Love courageously. God’s commandments to love one another are not reserved for just a special man or woman in your life—not just romantic love. No matter what your marital status, you can share the love you have with everyone, and experience all kinds of love in your life.   

Change is coming, and has come. You may not see it, but often others do; they see a difference in your countenance as you get farther from the land of loss and deeper into the delight of a new day. You begin to have a lighter heart, and a sunnier countenance. You seem happier. So celebrate all He has done for you in this journey.  

Enjoy God. Enjoy your life. 

 

Excerpted from When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty by Jackie M. Johnson

 

 

Dealing with Rejection after a Breakup

 

Breakups are tough. And no matter how hard someone tries to carefully choose their words, rejection hurts. Even if you only went out a few times the sting of their rebuff can leave you feeling like a dating discard or send you into a what-is-wrong-with-me spiral.  

Whether you were together for two weeks or two years, being rejected can leave you feeling unwanted, insecure, or “less than.”  How can you cope? 

When you feel rejected, it’s important to remember that there’s what happened and what you tell yourself about what happened. Often, a guy is not rejecting you as a person, but making a choice on the best fit for him (just as you make a choice on what’s the best fit for you).  

It’s crucial to know that not being chosen doesn’t mean you’re not acceptable. You are still worthy and wonderful whether the other person realizes it or not.  You may not feel very wonderful right now, but don’t let what someone else thinks erode your sense of self.   

Besides the guy may have his own issues to deal with too. When he says, “It’s not you, it’s me” you may want to believe him. On the other hand, there may be things in your own life you want to change—like false beliefs that are preventing you from lasting love. It’s worth praying about and exploring how you can become your best self whether you are in a relationship or not.  

No matter who initiated the breakup, remember that you will always be significant and important in the eyes of the One who loves you most.  

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.  

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.  

God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

 

To learn more about healing from a dating relationship breakup or divorce,

check out When Love Ends by Jackie M. Johnson. Available in paperback or e-book.

 

 

 

 

The WAITING is the Hardest Part - 5 Things You Need to Know about Waiting Well

 

 

The next step in getting over a life loss or breakup has to do with a four-letter word many people don’t like to talk about: wait. Waiting—and learning to wait well.

 

Most of us don’t like to wait. In fact, we live in a world that promotes an instant-minded culture through commercials, radio spots and online ads. Act now! Get what you want when you want it! We are saturated with that message every day. We can fill our cupboards with instant oatmeal or instant soup, but when we try to get instant heart healing from a breakup or loss, we wind up unfulfilled and still hungry.

 

During seasons of waiting in our lives we learn that:

 

1. Waiting is active. Waiting is more than just passing time; and it is not doing nothing. It’s trusting and having faith that the One who delights us in giving will provide what is best for each of us.
2. We wait on God, not man. Waiting on God, not on a man, or yourself makes all the difference. God had good purposes, so your waiting is not in vain. You don’t have to be afraid that God will forget. He knows.
3. Waiting draws us closer to God. Enduring delay builds intimacy and a closer relationship with Him. Jerome Daley in When God Waits says, “God’s greatest purpose in seasons of waiting is to draw you close to himself, to reveal the depth of his commitment to you, and to equip you for your destiny.”
4. Waiting is for a purpose. God uses the seemingly dead times in our lives to heal, replenish and prepare our hearts for the next season in our lives.
5. God keeps perfect time. Things unfold “in the fullness of time,” when He is ready, when circumstances are ready, or when we are ready. You can’t tell a newborn baby to run a marathon and then be disappointed when he does not. It’s not time yet. He has to grow up first, and gain strength and muscle.

Even though we don’t like to wait, we can trust that God has good reasons for delays. We may not always understand what He is doing and why, but God wants us to obey his commands—not because He is a tough taskmaster, but to protect us and guide us. In learning obedience, we also learn wisdom.

The truth is God is God, and we will never fully know His reasons. But we can take comfort in the fact that He is good, loving and faithful—and he is always at work, even in the dark, putting together the pieces of our lives for His good purposes.

 

Healing Emotional Pain After a Breakup or Loss

 

 

In choosing to face the night,

I took my first steps toward the sunrise.

Gerald L. Sittser

After a large loss or a breakup, sometimes it’s hard to move on. You may feel like it’s the darkest midnight in your life, but take heart: a new day, a brighter day will come again!

The next step toward getting there is emotional healing. That is, dealing with your emotions and not ignoring them.

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why: You don’t think it matters. You’re confused by how you’re feeling and you don’t know how to handle it. You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there. You fear what others will think.  Or you may feel like you’ll look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

Yet there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

By identifying, expressing and releasing emotions, your heart will begin to heal. Identify your emotions. What are you feeling? Sad, angry, resentful, hurt, numb…or something else? When you acknowledge that emotion to yourself (“I am feeling ____.”). Hard as it is, feel your feelings, learn to express them in healthy ways, and you will find release, freedom and peace.
 

Anger

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every     form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31, 32

Fear

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:11

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Whether you feel angry, rejected, fearful, or any other emotion, you can choose what you want to do with them; your feelings don’t have to control you. You can challenge false beliefs, reject lies, and choose to live in the power of God’s truth. Like the lies of: “I must have this person in order to be happy” or “I am nothing without you.” Not true!

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.

For more on healing your heart from a relationship breakup, check out, "When Love Ends" by Jackie M. Johnson

The Breakup Book - Healing the Hurt After a Breakup

 

Going through a relationship breakup? Know someone who is? "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" can bring comfort and healing to the dark time of a breakup or divorce. You'll discover how to process the pain, deal with your greif and loss, and learn ways to make better choices in what you want (and don't want) in a relationship next time.

 

Share the hope with someone who's hurting. Here's a brief excerpt from the book:

 

          And then the day come comes when you don't think about him every day, and the mention of his name doesn't pierce your heart like a verbal arrow, a barb straight into your heart. You can drive past your special place it no longer has a hold on you. It’s just a place. You know who you are and what you want and it's okay. You know God loves you. And that makes all the difference.

 

The sun sets, the heart breaks, but the light of God’s brilliant and illuminating truth shines on. You come to realize that endings are a part of life, and so are new beginnings.

 

And you learn that God redeems your loss and pain, and heals the heart to love again. And one day everything really will be okay.  Maybe not today, but some day. 

 

As the tears pour out you discover that everything happens for a reason, even when you don’t understand or like it.  Bleary-eyed, you look up and smile as it begins to settle in your heart that God really is in control; He knows what He’s doing, He cares and He is working all things together for the good whether the relationship door slammed shut or gently closed behind you.

 

A door closes, a window opens, and a fresh breeze blows into the stale mourning stillness that lingers your heart. In the midst of your mess, God surprises you, and things begin to change…

 

What time is it in your life?  The edge of evening is approaching; it’s time to get the comfort and support you need to begin the heart healing process. The rest of your life is waiting.

 

After a Breakup: Dealing With Anger

The start of a new relationship is often bliss. You’re energized, excited and happy. You think about him all the time and you can’t wait to be near him again. It feels so wonderfully good to have that air of anticipation and expectancy as you wonder what’s going to happen next.

You soon discover that you really enjoy each other, and maybe you even begin to envision a life together. I think Robert Browning must have been in love when the poet penned, “God’s in his heaven—all’s right with the world.”

Then Cloud 9 bursts. Instead of walking on sunshine, you can hardly slug through the day because longing and loss are weighing you down. Or you’re a bundle of nerves, you’re totally confused or you’re mad as a hornet.

Breaking up produces a multitude of emotions. What do you do with them? Or should you do anything with them?

While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t.

By identifying, expressing and releasing emotions you can find relief. It's not the emotion itself, it's what you do with it that matters. Left untreated or unexpressed, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly good relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

The good news is you can get rid of emotional pain. In time, night will give way to day, and then a brand new day—your new beginning!

Let's take the emotion of anger, for instance.

1. You can write an anger letter expressing to God about what happened during your breakup and/or since then, and how you feel about it. It can even include things that happened during the time you dated, if needed. Pour out your heart—what you’re mad about and why.

2. Or, you could write a different kind of anger letter. This exercise helps you to get the release you need, but you never ever mail the letter. Picture the person who broke up with you sitting across the table from you as you write. If you could say anything you wanted to him or her right now, what would you say?  If you could say anything to them in a Christ-like way, what would you say? It’s up to you how much to include.

Basically, the purpose of the letter it to get the emotion out of you and release it. No one else will ever see what you write and you can feel safe to express yourself, vent, and be free of the tangled emotions inside of you. When you’re done, you can choose to burn or shred it if you’d like, but never (never!) mail it.

3. Write an anger action plan. In the midst of a heated conversation, sometimes you may need to leave so you (or the other person) can cool off and address your issues later. When you need to think through why you’re irritated, this can be helpful. Make a list of what happened, if you need to respond (you may not), how it makes you feel, and some potential ways you can respond. Then, after you’ve reviewed your options you can choose what to do. It will be helpful to pray before you begin.

For example:

What happened? Tony constantly cuts me off before I can finish a sentence.

Do I need to respond? Yes, I feel like I need to stand up for myself.

How does this make me feel? I feel angry when Tony doesn’t let me finish what I’m saying. I feel like what he has to say is more important than what I want to say. I feel diminished and unimportant.  

Options to responding: When Tony cuts in when I’m talking, I could say, “Could I please finish my sentence?” or “I wasn’t done yet.” Or, I could spend less time with Tony.  Or. . .?

4. Other ways. There are other ways to manage your anger too. Some people find it helpful to get punch pillows, talk to a trusted friend, pull out the Bible and read, journal their thoughts, go workout, or get outside for a long walk or bike ride. A good hearty laugh or getting some humor into your life can advance your heart toward joy again. In other words, find activities that relieve stress for you.


For more help getting through a relationship breakup, see When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty by Jackie M. Johnson.

 

 

Book Review: The Re-Marriage Adventure

 

Preparing for a lifetime of love and happiness

 

 

Susan and Dale Mathis are passionate about helping couples prepare for remarriage. As a remarried couple themselves, they know firsthand about blending lives and families.

 

Their new book, "The Re-Marriage Adventure," offers practical help, hope, encouragement and wisdom for preparing for a healthy, godly marriage.

 

One of the key concepts the authors start with is Redemption: "Whether you've lost your marriage through a death or a divorce, pain is a natural part of any loss, and redemption is God's plan for healing that pain. As a couple, having a vision for a redemptive marriage can be one of the most inspiring, productive, and motivating ways to view your future together."

 

As they share on page 9 of the book, " God can buy back (redeem) your past and deliver you from your broken dreams, heartaches, mistakes and sins, your fears and your pain.

 

He can restore your joy and hope, and so much more."

 

For authors Susan and Dale, a redemptive marriage played out by caring for each other physically, emotionally, spirituall, and every other way. They wanted to create an intimate and inspiring relationship that could show others the beauty and promise of God's plan for marriage.

 

The book offers helpful advice on communication, expectations, sex, finances, blending families and more. With real-life stories from other remarried couples, this book is a must-read for every couple who is planning a re-marriage.

 

May this book bring you hope and joy--and a healthy, strong marriage to last a lifetime!

 

 

The Re-Marriage Adventure is available on amazon.com or wherever books are sold.

 



Perseverance: A Lesson from Mountain Climbing

 

A mountain is climbed one step at a time. You begin by putting one foot in front of another, and another, until you reach the summit.

 

Mountaineers know the importance of staying hydrated and never climbing alone. As believers, we can stay hydrated with refreshment from God’s Word, which is as essential to life as water. We can build a team around us for support and encouragement from family and friends. And we can learn to trust our guide, Jesus Christ.

 

When life is hard...when you're going through a breakup or divorce...when someone has hurt you...when you're low on funds...or you simply don't know what to do....

 

Press on. Pray on.

 

And in the process you can find joy in life’s journey. The power of prayer helps you to persevere. That's because the power comes from God, the one who loves you most and has the POWER and STRENGTH to help you in your time of need.

 

Even when you feel like giving up, believe that the ascent is worth the climb. You are not alone, and you don't have to do this journey called life on your own. Keep on. For once you reach the peak, the view is exhilarating.

 

 

Read more about help in times of need in PowerfulPrayers for Challenging Times by Jackie M. Johnson

 

Getting Over a Breakup: 12 Essential Steps to Finding Joy

 

 

Relationship breakups are often messy, baffling, and just plain hard. Whether you’ve been together for a few years or a few months, you may be feeling sad, angry, confused, rejected, or betrayed. With myriad emotions swirling in your heart and head, it’s important to know that how you deal with endings—don’t—will determine your heart healing and your future love relationships.

 

Some mistakenly believe that “time heals all wounds” or you just have to “get over it.” Others ignore the pain thinking it will just go away. Maybe you’ve tried to soothe the sorrow and fill the void in unhealthy ways: with excessive eating, drinking, shopping, or partying. But you end up stuffed, sloshed, broke, and tired—and you still have a broken heart. When the party’s over, or when the ice cream carton is empty, how do you get past the pain?

 

If you’re stuck in your story, and you can’t seem to let go, maybe it’s time for a heart healing journey—from sadness to joy, and from your darkest night to your brightest days.

 

Psalm 18:28 says, “My God turns my darkness into light.” When you embark on a night into day journey to deal with your heartbreak pain you’re on your way to a bright new beginning.

 

Remember, you are never alone and you will not stay in this painful place forever—God is with you and you’re just passing through.

 

When you deal with your breakup pain—instead of avoiding or ignoring it—you can find new hope, courage and joy, and be better prepared to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire. Often a period of adjustment is needed to go from being a couple to a single again, from being a “we” to a “me.” But you can get through it!

 

Here are 12 essential things you can do to heal your heart and change your life:

 

1. Have heart boundaries. First, stabilize the situation. Just like a physical injury, your heart needs care and recovery time. A broken arm is set in a cast, and “heart boundaries” allow you to separate from the source of pain and protect you from further injury. For instance, you may need to be away from the other person, at least for a time, so you can heal. Don’t keep having post-breakup talks. Don’t call, email or text him just to see how he is, and don’t drive by his house or workplace; it’s hands off. It can be extremely difficult, like withdrawal from a drug. It feels awful and lonely and different, but that’s part of the process—the kind of hurt that heals.
2. Put his stuff away. Get rid of photos or things that remind you of him. Or, box up and store it if you’re not ready to deal with things yet.
3. Get the comfort and support you need. Let yourself cry. Spend time in prayer and pour out your heart to God in a journal or notebook. Talk with trusted friends or family members who will listen and be supportive. Find a good Christian counselor if you need to. Nurture your senses: go for a walk and see the beauty of nature, enjoy the smell of fresh cut flowers, the taste of your favorite comfort foods (in moderation), the sound of relaxing music, or the comforting touch of a hug from a really good friend.
4. Learn from it. Ask God what He wants you to learn from this breakup. What are the “treasures in darkness” and “riches stored in secret places” (Isaiah 45:3) God has for you at this time, this season, of your life?
5. Process emotional pain – It may feel like the midnight hour, but even in our darkest times, God provides night lights. With the light Christ provides we can be encouraged, equipped and empowered to journey through the heart healing process and find restoration and transformation.
1. Deal and feel. In order to heal you have to deal with your emotions. As you feel your feelings, grieve your losses and surrender to God this relationship that didn’t work out you will find release.  
2. Grieving losses is key. You may have incurred loss of love, the loss of affection, and the death of your hopes and dreams with this person. You can “drain the pain” by acknowledging your loss, asking God and others for help, letting yourself be sad, and recognizing not only what you’ve lost but also what remains.
6. Forgiveness is a major way to release breakup pain—forgiving others and yourself. It’s helpful to remember that forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s not condoning what happened. It’s taking them off your hook, and putting them on God’s hook for justice. Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge...” because God will avenge and repay. Forgiveness is not a one-time event, and you may not feel differently right away. An act of your will, forgiving the other person releases you, and leads to freedom and peace.
7. Choose to let go. Often it feels like we cling tightly to the past just like the brown crunchy leaves that cling to barren tree limbs in winter. Their season has passed, yet they still don’t let go. We need the power of the Holy Spirit to blow a fresh breeze into our lives and enable us to do what we can not do. As you release your grip on what you are holding to so tightly, and replace it with Jesus’ unchanging truth), He will restore your weary, wayward or willful heart.
8. Align your thinking with God’s truth. Sometimes your thought life can get hijacked on the Highway of Hope. Rein in your wandering mind and find the power you need to do hard things with God’s truth. The Bible, the Word of God, is a guard rail to keep you safe and on the right path. 2 Corinthians 2:5 reminds us that “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light overcomes darkness.
9. Awaken Hope – The first light of day helps you to see better with your eyes, and the light of God’s truth lets you “see” with your heart. You gain insight and understanding about your situation, about God, and about yourself. It’s a turning point in your healing journey.
10. Experiencing God’s love. After a breakup a few years ago I learned that: God is all-wise, and I can trust Him even when I do not understand (Proverbs 3:5, 6). He is not withholding something good; He is protecting and saving me for His best (Proverbs 16:9, NASB). We were created for His purposes, not the other way around. But the best news is that God is near, and loves you more than you will ever know. He is at work healing your broken heart. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
11. Rebuild your self esteem. After being rejected (or rejecting someone else), the landscape of your heart can get worn away. Like erosion of soil after a rainstorm, erosion in our emotions can come from another’s constant criticism or negative words. To overcome emotional erosion, plant seeds of truth in your life. When the roots grow and go deep into God you will be more stable, strong, and built up in your true identity. Instead of putting yourself down, build yourself up with truth; watch your negative self talk. Remember, losing at love does not make you a “loser.” You are worth being loved well.
12. Move forward – The darkness and pain of the past eventually fades and you begin to move forward into a brand new day. You wake up to the rest of your life and learn to make healthier choices next time. (for more about all of these points, see my book, “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” by Jackie M. Johnson)

There is life after loss, joy after sorrow, and peace after pain. There is hope. One day it really will be okay. One Day. Until then, live in the light. And keep on walking. When love ends, healing can begin.

 

The rest of your life is waiting—and the best days are ahead.

 



Forgiving Someone Who's Hurt You, Especially After a Breakup

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable,
because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Forgiveness is like a brilliant diamond; there are many facets to it. Today I will present one aspect of it.

So something happened. Someone hurt you and now you are ticked, angry, hurt or some other combination of emotions.

Neil T. Anderson says that the more traumatic your experience, the more intense will be your primary emotion. According to Anderson, an event in the present triggers the primary emotion and sets off something inside that may have been dormant for years.

A relationship breakup, for instance, could activate emotions like intense anger or extreme feelings of rejection, and you may be puzzled as to why you are reacting the way you do—and why you cannot let go. Realizing that the past is creeping into your present will help you to deal with it.

Two ways to find resolution are: First, understand that you are no longer a product of your past. “You have the privilege of evaluating your past experience in the light of who you are today, as opposed to who you were then,” said Anderson. Second, forgive those who have offended you.

Easier said than done. Right?

Forgiveness is the key to healing
A major key that heals brokenness after a relationship ends is forgiveness—whether it’s forgiving past pain, forgiving the person who hurt you in the present, or forgiving yourself. “Forgiveness,” according to Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III in Bold Love “is the light that penetrates the dark and frees the somber, shamed heart to leap with love.”

Whether the offense was in the past or the present, holding onto that pain not only continues to hurt you, it can also block you from moving forward.

The pent up pain turns into bitterness, resentment, or offense and the emotional poison works its way into other areas of our lives. With stubbornness, pride, ignorance or sheer selfishness we cling, like those brown crunchy leaves that cling to trees in winter (long after their season has ended), to what we want or what we think should happen. “He is wrong, and I’m right.” “I want justice (or revenge).” “What he did was inexcusable.”

You don’t owe me
Years ago at a singles retreat in Green Lake, Wisconsin, Andy Stanley gave a talk on the topic of forgiveness. I remember him saying something to the effect that when you do not forgive, it’s as if you hold that person hostage in your heart. You take them out once in a while, beat them up, and put them back.

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something. They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding them prisoner, but you are the one with the pain. T

hen Stanley opened his hands, and with his palms turned up said something like, “Forgiveness means we release that person and say, ‘You don’t owe me.’” You don’t owe me.

How do you go from a place where you feel someone is emotionally indebted to you to a place you can release and forgive? Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness is and what it is not.

What forgiveness is…and is not
Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions. Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

I like what C.D. Baker says about God’s justice in 40 Loaves: Breaking Bread with Our Father Each Day, “Yes, God seeks justice and so should we. He grieves when we are oppressed or taken advantage of, and he demands justice on our behalf. But what we forget is that Jesus already paid the price for others’ violations against us…and for our violations against them. We don’t need to seek vengeance.”

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

A New Day Cafe Blog Reaches 98 Countries

Hello readers,

Today is a day to celebrate!

As of October 1, 2011 this blog, A New Day Cafe, has reached readers in half the countries in the world (98 of 196 countries).

My goal is to blog words of hope and encouragement--to help people to get over relationship breakups and to have a better life. And I want to thank you for reading. I hope you've found help and hope from these words--from God's heart, to my hands, and into your life.

Here are the countries who've read A New Day Cafe blog in the past two years. Thank you! I pray for my readers each day.

United States, Canada, United Kingdom, India, Australia, Macedonia, Czech Republic, Germany, Ireland, Sri Lanka, France, Israel, Bolivia, Qatar, Ukraine, Iran, Japan, Indonesia, Poland, Columbia, Spain, Ghana, Slovakia, Vietnam, Antigua and Barbuda, China, Pakistan, Denmark, Morocco, Russia, South Korea, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Zimbabwe, Philippines, Sweden, South Africa, Netherlands, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uganda, Belgium, Thailand, Nigeria, Tunisia, Guyana, Maldives, Mexico, Switzerland, Romania, Singapore, Palestinian Territories, Reunion, Greece, Peru, New Zealand, Jordan, Serbia, Finland, Kenya, Lithuania, Iraq, Trinidad & Tobago, Sudan, Hungary, Malaysia, Taiwan, Malta, Latvia, Bulgaria, Turkey, Namibia, Ghana, Belarus, Jamaica, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Honduras, Algeria, Hong Kong, Senegal, Ukraine, Norway, Slovenia, Georgia, Italy, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Ecuador, Cambodia, Guatemala, Lebanon, Moldova, Kuwait, Oman, and Croatia.

Thank you. May you be blessed and find fresh hope for today!

Finding Love Again: What Do You Want to Do Differently Next Time?

Often books on relationships emphasize finding the right person, but it’s also important to be the right person.

To have the lasting love and intimacy you desire it’s essential to identify unhealthy patterns in your own life, change what you can about yourself, and then come into greater clarity about the qualities you want in another person.

Identify unhealthy patterns. Healthy relationships grow when we know our true identity and respect our individuality and uniqueness. They also flourish when we connect with who God is (His character) and how that makes a difference in our life.

We are all made with different habits, personality traits and ways of relating. However, sometimes we do things in a relationship that hurt ourselves or damage the connection and we don’t know why.

Sometimes we know our weak spots and sometimes we are blind-sighted. Think about your past dating experiences. What went wrong? Why did it end?

It’s helpful to identify any patterns in your dating experiences that may be sabotaging the love you desire. You can start by making a list of things you’ve learned from past relationships—things you’ve done that you don’t want to do again. Here are some examples:

* You stayed too long in a dead end relationship.
* You didn’t stand up for yourself when he hurt you with words or actions.
* You gave in when he wanted to go farther physically than you wanted.
* You stubbornly wanted your own way all the time.
* You didn’t know how to handle it when he treated you poorly.
* You lived in a fantasy world of thinking “it will be more” when he only wanted friendship.
* You rushed from one relationship to next when you weren’t ready love again.

Change your thoughts and actions. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to get to make some changes. What do you want to do differently next time?

You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns of the past. Ask yourself why you’ve made unwise relationship choices? If you don’t know, then pray and ask God to reveal to you any habits or patterns that have been holding you back.

Be clear on you really need in a relationship. In order to make choices that lead to the love and intimacy you desire, it’s important to know the characteristics you want—and don’t want—in a person. What are your criteria for the things you look? Think about the kind of men you’ve picked in the past? What do you want now? What needs to change?

Make a list of things you need in a relationship. For instance:
• I need to have a better idea of what I really want in a relationship.
• I need to learn to assess more quickly if a man is right for me or not.
• I need to be clear with myself and the other person about what behaviors I will and will not accept.
• I need someone who is consistent in his words and actions.
• I need to make time for a quality relationship; to feel more connected.
• I need a man who will pursue me, be available, and treat me with respect.

My friend Heidi once said, “The difference between the wrong man and the right man is like the difference between the darkest night and the brightest day.”

It’s time for a brand new day!

Real Hope or False Hope? Knowing the Difference

Walking with HOPE is not a fairy tale. It's not like being in a Disney cartoon where bluebirds carrying colorful ribbons lead the way and happy chipmunks wave as you skip down the lane and daisies bloom instantly at your feet.

Nope.

It's all about knowing the difference between false hope and true hope.

Here's the thing. After a relationship ends, you may hope the one you cared about will come back. “False hope” is when you expect him to return when it’s highly unlikely or even impossible that he will. Because you want it to happen so badly, you may deny the reality that he is already in another relationship, that he’s married, or that—for whatever reason—he is going in another direction without you.

You can, however, be optimistic that things will get better in your life and that God has good things for you down the road.

False hope is like being a Pollyanna-—optimistic, yet blind to reality. It is wishful thinking or vain imaginations.

Real hope, biblical hope, is different.

Biblical hope is confident trust in the reliability of God’s promises. It is solid and strong because it is based upon God’s words in the Bible. “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4)

Hope presses on and looks ahead. “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13, 14).

Day or night, ask God to show you what to do, to guide your path so you can look forward with trust, not trepidation.

When Hope Road seems to zig zag and you cannot see the way ahead, Hebrews 10:23 encourages you to press on with confidence and perseverance. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

Finally, biblical hope believes that God will give good things. He protects and He provides as He sees best.

Eugene Peterson said, “Hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time.”

When nothing seems to be happening…

When you are tired of trying to make things work out on your own…

When you cannot see ahead and you think things are taking entirely too long…

Hold on to hope.

The cadence of Christ is often unlike your own pace, but God is still at work, always at work, in your life.