Encouragement for Today's Christian Single

 

Whether you’re single or married, we all need hope and encouragement. Today, here’s some hope for single readers of all ages.

In addition to this blog, A NEW DAY CAFE, I also write a blog called LIVING SINGLE on the Family Talk website of Dr. James Dobson. Here are links to some recent posts.

I hope you are encouraged and find joy--and renewed hope--after reading these posts.  

6 Ways for Singles to Wait Well

5 Lies That Keep You from Real Rest

Faith, Finances and Finding Wild Hope

News about Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ recent engagement

 

Be well. Be blessed. Trust God. Find joy!

Jackie

 

 

LIVING SINGLE: A New Blog for Singles of All Ages

Hi friends!

 

Just wanted to let you in on some exciting news…

 

In addition to blogging here at A New Day Café, I’ve also started blogging on singles topics on the Living Single blog on Dr. James Dobson’s website.

 

The Living Single blog offers encouragement, insight and hope for singles of all ages. Check out some recent posts:  

 

After a Breakup: Why It’s So Hard to “Let it Go”

 

6 Reasons Why You’re Not Married Yet (plus positive ideas about what to do in the meantime)

 

Real Life Love Stories: Dr. James and Shirley Dobson’s Story

 

Real Life Love Stories: How Ryan Dobson and Laura’s Story (Ryan is Dr. James Dobson’s son)

 

Enjoy!

 

Of course, I will still be blogging here at A New Day Café for readers worldwide.

 

More good news: One of my books, "Powerful Prayers for Challenging Times" will be translated into the Chinese language. Today, it is available in English and Portuguese. May this book of HOPE be a blessing to many people.

 

Take care!

Jackie

Awakening Hope

Even if you are not ready for day

it cannot always be night.

--Gwendolyn Brooks, poet

Where I live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, sunrise can be spectacular. The fingers of early morning crawl across the eastern plains, gradually lluminating the city skyline, and increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of the majestic snow-capped Pikes Peak. You can almost hear the Director signaling His creation, “Cue the morning; let a new day begin!”

The sun bids the darkness farewell, and the earth awakens.  It is a fresh start in your Heart Land as well, as your residual breakup pain fade and hope wakes up. Heartache is turning to healing. 

At the break of day, birds chirp cheerily, the alarm rings (not so cheerily), and sunlight streams through your bedroom window announcing the arrival of morning. The aroma of fresh coffee or hot tea beckons.

But for some people it’s hard to get up and get going. It this half asleep-but-not-yet-awake stage, they rouse and stir a bit, yawn and stretch, and then roll over and go back to sleep. They don’t want to get up yet. It’s too early, or they’re too tired, or they simply have no motivation to get out of bed. Perhaps they want to hold on to the last vestiges of night and linger in the darkness.

Others, bless their “I’m a morning person” heart, are exuberant at the crack of dawn. They spring from slumber to waking with the lively energy of Winnie the Pooh’s friend Tigger, full of bounce and ready to start the day.

Either way, getting out of bed is a choice. Just as having hope is a choice.

You can choose to stay asleep in the darkness of bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. With the curtains closed tightly, and no light penetrating your heart, you wallow and mope, and keep moping.

Or instead, you could choose to follow the way of hope, and keep hoping, choosing to move forward into the full light of day—into the fullness of the abundant life of greater peace, joy and wholeness. 

The outcome of each path is entirely different.

 

Not yet ready for daylight

If you are not yet ready for day, you may hesitate moving forward many reasons. Perhaps you seem to have a hard time letting go of the past.  Your mind keeps wandering back to Memory Lane when things were good and life was happier.

For whatever reason, hope is stirring, but is thwarted.

Perhaps you feel like you’ve been emotionally sleepwalking, going through the motions of life, but you’re not fully aware or awake on the inside. Or, you may be physically present but not engaging conversationally with people or with life. You don’t really want to wake up on the inside because you don’t want to feel the pain and it’s just easier to numb out. Your circumstances still seem dark so maybe you think it’s only natural to sleep on the inside.

The problem is when you’ve been hurt and your hopes have been dashed, it can be hard to move forward and have hope—not only in a new relationship,but in life. Especially if you’ve had many breakups, you get tired of the repeated discouragement. It hurts. It’s hard. And you never want to go through it again. So you put hope to sleep in your life because you don’t want to be disappointed again. You are stuck in your story.

 

And it’s time to get up.

 (Reprinted from "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" by Jackie M. Johnson, Moody Publishing)

Looking for Love? Having Realistic Expectations

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection. The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. Make a list and pray about this important choice.

Love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless. Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also says that the wise woman looks for the inner man, not the exterior. “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

It’s also important not to have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.” Huh. I needed to heart that. I needed to know that marriage, like any relationship, has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As challenging as it can be at times, marriage can also be amazing. The bride and the bridegroom are a picture of how Christ loves the Church. It’s a commitment before God and man to love, honor, and cherish this person all the days of your life—for better or worse. Even when he scatters his clothes on the floor or you are sick. Even when your kids are screaming and you haven’t talked to another adult all day. But when you’ve found someone who accepts you even when you have PMS, and he passionately loves you and loves God with all his heart, you know you’ve found a really good thing.

As you think and pray about what you want in a life partner, keep a realistic view of marriage, both the bright side and challenging side.

Friendship or Dating – Discerning the Difference
Another place to open your eyes and have realistic expectations is in knowing where you stand with a guy. “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is or where you stand. It may turn into something real and lasting, or it may not. How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.” He needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.” If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.
Isaiah 50:10

When life is hard and we don't understand, it's helpful to remember the story of Job--and see what we can learn from his life.

Remember him? They man in the Bible who lost practically everything.

Job had some very dark days. He became overwhelmingly sad and began to give up entirely. Hope had faded. He complained about his circumstances and thought that he would never be happy again. It simply made no sense to Job why his entire life had crumbled around him.

Perhaps your breakup wasn’t as bad as Job’s horrible life. But whether your were simply disappointed or downright devastated you may also be wrestling with your own ideas about God’s character.

You may not be able to perceive what God is doing in your life right now, but perhaps, like Job, your question of “why?” will turn to “Who?” as you draw nearer to the One who has the answers. As you come to know God more and trust Him, you realize the one who takes care of the vast universe and all that is in it, also has His hands—and heart—on you.

In the darkest time of Job’s life he learned to see with new eyes as he experienced God, beholding him and coming to a place of radical life transformation.

“So often our primary ambition is to escape pain or feel good or be delivered from a problem when instead we need to keep our focus on the big picture of what God is doing in our life and the lives of others through pain or problems,” said Anne Graham Lotz in Why? “Our principle aim,” she continues, “should be to glorify God, not to be honored or to be healthy or to be happy.”

Of course, being happy or healthy is not a bad thing; it’s just not a first thing. Often we do not understand what God is up to because, well, He is God. And we are not.

There will always be an element of mystery in why God does what He does; we will never have all the answers this side of heaven. But we can rest assured that the One who loves us most, will reveal all that we need to know when we need to know it. And that is enough.

Many times, during or after a goodbye with a guy, I’ve grappled with my own “why?’ questions. We could have been really good together God, why didn’t this work out? And over time and many tears later, I’ve come to a place where I could say to God, “I do not understand, but I will trust You.”
When all else is gone, God remains.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

When Love Ends: Dealing with a Dating Breakup or Divorce

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult.

That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection. Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end. This book begins with an ending, the “heart sunset” of your fading relationship, and it ends with a fresh start in the land of new beginnings.

When Love Ends is an integral part of your healing journey. In this four-part book, you’ll follow the cycle of a day, from darkness to light, as an analogy that parallels the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

As the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon, hope awakens and the light of Dawn (the truth about who God is and who you really are) illuminates your thinking. You begin to see God’s character and learn how he redeems losses and restores brokenness. As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams. With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

If you’ve just broken up from a dating relationship, or are still in the process, When Love Ends is an excellent resource. It provides encouragement and hope along with biblical insight and practical help to get you out of the darkness and back into the light of a brighter future.

Your new day will come. Believe it!

What to Look for in a Date or Mate

How do you know what to look for in someone to date or marry? What makes a relationship strong and lasting?

Check out today's post on the new Moody Publishing website, Start Marriage Right and you can be entered to win a movie/popcorn gift package.

Simply leave a reply and comment on the article at the link below TODAY, April 12:

http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/04/5-essential-traits-for-a-strong-and-lasting-marriage/

Deciding whom you will marry is one of the most important decisions of your life. Choose wisely.

Dating Again: The Adventure of New Beginnings

"A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for.”

Ships are designed to go somewhere; they are for adventures, not dry dock.

Certainly, ships may need to be pulled out of the water for needed repairs at times. But the vessel doesn’t stay in the quiet harbor forever. It was designed for much greater purposes. In stormy weather or smooth seas, it sails on.

Yet people who’ve had their heart broken often want to stay in the safety of the harbor of isolation or not pursuing new relationships. They don’t want to set sail in the high seas of love again. It’s too scary. I might get hurt. I don’t want to start all over again.

Yeah, I’ve heard all the excuses. I’ve even made a few myself.

Sure, beginning again can be challenging. You’ve been hurt and you don’t want to risk having your heart broken again. You’ve gotten used to the still waters of the harbor; it’s quiet, comfortable and safe.

But it’s existing, not living.

And it takes a leap of faith to put the boat out to sea again. Here’s a good way to look at it: “The leap of faith always means loving without expecting to be loved in return, giving without wanting to receive, inviting without hoping to be invited, holding without asking to be held,” said Henri Nouwen in The Return of the Prodigal Son.

Instead of a blind leap, you take an informed leap of faith when you know who is steering the ship of your life. If God is your Captain, then trust is built and fear subsides because you know that He is entirely reliable, dependable and true. And He is yours.

As you learn to trust again, and take purposeful and prayerful risks, things will change. And maybe this time, it will be different. Journey on. With your competent and seasoned Captain, who knows what adventures await?

When He Doesn’t Call: Keeping Your Joy

Happiness may come and go, but joy is much more stable.

Finding joy can be challenging, but possible, whether he calls or not, whether you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) or not. No matter what.

Despite your circumstances you can choose to have joy. Really. Yep, it’s a choice.

Joy happens because you know on Whom you wait—not for the guy to call, but for God to show you that you are worth being loved well. And the one who is right for you will PURSUE you, will call you, and will not leave you wondering!

The proof is in the pursuit. If he’s pursuing you, he may be interested. If he’s not, you’ve got to let it go. Don’t try to rationalize with reasons (he’s shy, he’s busy, he’s not over his ex, etc.). For WHATEVER REASON—even if you don’t know what it is—you have be “hands off” and move forward with your own life if the guy’s not pursuing you.

The thing is, you can have peace because God is in control. You cast your cares onto Him (“Here, take this longing and ache, Lord!”) and not carry them around.

Release yourself and rely on His strength. And then a lighter heart emerges. Ah….can you feel it? Things may not have changed, but you have.

So, no matter what is or is not happening in your life right now, soak in God’s joy.

And for those of us who are single and longing for the right one for us to come into our lives, here is some hope. First, the verse in the Bible as it appears. Then, my modern day-Jackie-interpretation of the verse for singles.

Here you go…

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Here is my translation of Habakkuk 3:17-18 for singles:

Though the relationship does not bud
and there are no men on the phone,
though the love connection fails
and the man produces no ring,
though there are no dates in my Daytimer®
and no guys at the door…

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God; He will take care of me.

So whether you have a Daytimer, an online calendar, or scraps of notes to keep you on track in life, God never loses track of you. He will give all you need.

Stand up straight. Take a deep breath. Remember the joy that’s yours today—and every day.

Finding Love Again: Are Your Expectations Realistic?

The perfect man. The perfect woman. Do they really exist?

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection.

The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. And love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless.

Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also said that the wise woman looks for “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think dating or marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.”

Huh.

Like any relationship, marriage has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As you think and pray about what you want in a date or a life partner, keep a realistic view—both the bright side and challenging side.

After a Breakup: What to Look for When You're Looking for Love Again

Looking for Mr. (or Miss) Right?

There are many essential traits to look for in a date, and eventually a life partner. I have five listed here, the five C’s: Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling with some questions to ask yourself about what each one means for you.

Christian means that he has a committed and growing walk with God. If you’re a person of faith, that’s the foundation for any dating relationship. What does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? How will your faith influence your decision-making in life? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is essential to any good relationship. It’s talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication is important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation, or do you prefer to stay in the shallow end? What is “good communication” to you?

I remember a dreadful date with a man who didn’t talk to me almost the entire day we were together. Ron was a man from church with whom I’d spoken a few times. We had mutual friends and saw each other at singles events. One Sunday afternoon we drove to Green Bay for a Packers football game and he was completely silent throughout the entire game—including halftime! Even the long, soundless drive home was awful. I told myself that day that I needed a man who would not only talk, but listen, and make good communication a priority.

Character refers to his temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises, say what he means and mean what he says? How do your personalities mesh? Do you have temperaments that are complementary?


Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have other qualities that appeal to you? Is there that intangible “certain something” that makes you click as a couple? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but don’t let your feelings dictate your choices based solely upon someone’s looks. True beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel. Additionally, chemistry is just one of the essential five C’s for a healthy and fulfilling match, one piece of the entire love puzzle.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s will for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage, or not? Just because you love someone does not always mean you will marry them. If you have all four of the five C’s, but if the “C” of Calling is not there, it will never work. You may have different life paths.

Finally, before you date someone—whether you meet on the Internet or at the office—make sure he is not married. Seriously. Don’t rely on him wearing a ring.

Here’s my story about that…

Josh had the kind of captivating blue eyes you could dive into and swim laps in for hours. He was a new client at our firm and always stopped by my desk to say hello and chat briefly. Of course, he always had something interesting to say and often I could only eek out pleasantries while I tried to remember my name.

Sigh.

His left-hand ring finger was bare; a good sign. No glint of a gold wedding band to be seen. Since there wasn’t a man in my life at the time, I had fun daydreaming about him. It was just for amusement, I told myself. Until the day I learned he was married.

Married! Yep. To the same woman for twenty years. And, oh, and they have a bunch of kids. How in the world was that possible? I mean, he never wore a ring and he was so nice. I was shocked, and surprisingly a bit hurt. I know I shouldn’t have been, but Daydream Man was gone. Who would I think about now?

It was time to clear my heart and head of even the smallest inklings of desire for this person and get back to what I really wanted—a God-centered lasting love.

Okay, so think about the 5C’s and what you’ll do with them. And maybe one day, the man with the precious metal on his left hand will belong to you.

Choose wisely.

Finding Love Again: What Do You Want to Do Differently Next Time?

Often books on relationships emphasize finding the right person, but it’s also important to be the right person.

To have the lasting love and intimacy you desire it’s essential to identify unhealthy patterns in your own life, change what you can about yourself, and then come into greater clarity about the qualities you want in another person.

Identify unhealthy patterns. Healthy relationships grow when we know our true identity and respect our individuality and uniqueness. They also flourish when we connect with who God is (His character) and how that makes a difference in our life.

We are all made with different habits, personality traits and ways of relating. However, sometimes we do things in a relationship that hurt ourselves or damage the connection and we don’t know why.

Sometimes we know our weak spots and sometimes we are blind-sighted. Think about your past dating experiences. What went wrong? Why did it end?

It’s helpful to identify any patterns in your dating experiences that may be sabotaging the love you desire. You can start by making a list of things you’ve learned from past relationships—things you’ve done that you don’t want to do again. Here are some examples:

* You stayed too long in a dead end relationship.
* You didn’t stand up for yourself when he hurt you with words or actions.
* You gave in when he wanted to go farther physically than you wanted.
* You stubbornly wanted your own way all the time.
* You didn’t know how to handle it when he treated you poorly.
* You lived in a fantasy world of thinking “it will be more” when he only wanted friendship.
* You rushed from one relationship to next when you weren’t ready love again.

Change your thoughts and actions. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to get to make some changes. What do you want to do differently next time?

You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns of the past. Ask yourself why you’ve made unwise relationship choices? If you don’t know, then pray and ask God to reveal to you any habits or patterns that have been holding you back.

Be clear on you really need in a relationship. In order to make choices that lead to the love and intimacy you desire, it’s important to know the characteristics you want—and don’t want—in a person. What are your criteria for the things you look? Think about the kind of men you’ve picked in the past? What do you want now? What needs to change?

Make a list of things you need in a relationship. For instance:
• I need to have a better idea of what I really want in a relationship.
• I need to learn to assess more quickly if a man is right for me or not.
• I need to be clear with myself and the other person about what behaviors I will and will not accept.
• I need someone who is consistent in his words and actions.
• I need to make time for a quality relationship; to feel more connected.
• I need a man who will pursue me, be available, and treat me with respect.

My friend Heidi once said, “The difference between the wrong man and the right man is like the difference between the darkest night and the brightest day.”

It’s time for a brand new day!

Finding Love Again: Wisdom is Key

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make healthier choices in the future by becoming a person of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We’ll talk about each one of these characteristics each day this week on A New Day Café blog—right here.

Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date. If you’re a person of faith, will you look for love in the world’s way or God’s way?

There is no Intro to Dating 101 section in the Bible, but we know that God desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. For one thing, that means being more other-centered and less self-centered.

It also means to be humble, be patient, bear with one another, to speak truthfully to build up others with your words, to be kind and compassionate, to forgive each other, and to live a life of love. Check out the book of Ephesians in the Bible for more about how we are to treat others—no matter who they are.

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up on the inside.

When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature.

What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the One who is her future and her hope: Jesus Christ.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursuing her.

A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” (James 1:22)

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

Getting Over a Breakup: Renovating Your Heart

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

He left you. You left him. Or, you both left. Whatever happened, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Doesn’t matter if it was two years, two months or two decades, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Even though your relationship may have faded like a California sunset, your life can start again land of new beginnings. Just remember, it takes time—and a whole lot of truth—and it’s a process. A journey.

Your healing journey from pain to joy is like the cycle of a day—it goes from darkness to light. We’ll talk more about all this stuff in blog posts all through the month of January. But for now, here’s the big picture.

You’ve basically got these four stages: Twilight, Night, Dawn and Day.

Twilight is a time of endings.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses.

Dawn is the awakening of truth about your true identity, about who God is and His place in all of this.

Day breaks is a brand new beginning, moving forward with joy into your future.

Bottom line: God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness. The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

The good news is that despite your soul injuries, you can live a full and joyful life. It may feel like “The End,” but your new beginning will come.