Love Yourself, Be Yourself

When you love yourself, and you know God loves you, you can make smarter choices in relationships. Loving yourself means you can be yourself, not an exact replica of the man you’re dating. You have enough self respect not grovel when he says he no longer wants to go out with you. You say “no” when you really don’t want to spend time with a guy, instead of leading him on by trying to be nice. You speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Loving others starts with Jesus’ words “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31). Like women, men need affirmation, appreciation and encouragement. They also receive love as you respect them and trust them. Whether you end up dating or marrying a new man, or just seeing him a few times, treat him well—the way you’d want to be treated—with kindness, grace and forgiveness.

Love God enough to listen to what he says, to follow Him, and to ask for wisdom. Let Him be the first one you run to when you need to make decisions. Love him enough to trust him, because He really does know what He’s doing even when we don’t understand.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs. 3:5). God is all about fixing brokenness. He delights in restoration and brings renewed hope and joy after rejection. Loving, faithful, and more than able, He is your Dream Come True.

Wait for Love, Not Just "Friends With Benefits"

Signs and signals are important for our safety on the road and in relationships. Have you ever been in traffic and the car in front of you flashes a bright red left turn signal, and then suddenly turns right.

Um – what’re ya doing?

When a man treats you like that, and sends mixed signals, it can be confusing. It’s time to ask questions and get clarification.

What kinds of signs is he giving you? Does he act like a boyfriend and then treat you like a friend? Does he just want to be physical (sexual) with you, and then act like he doesn’t even know you? If he doesn’t pursue you, don’t settle for being a “friend with benefits?” You deserve better.

Think about this: Lust visits, love stays. Lust takes, love gives. Lust is selfish, love puts the other person first. You can tell over the course of time a man’s intentions. “Only time can reveal the difference between infatuation and lasting love,” says Bill Hybels in Fit to Be Tied.

To be a woman of integrity, go to the source of integrity, the Bible. This helpful and holy book addresses what to do, and not do, with your body before you are married. We are to honor God with our bodies, not degrade them.

For instance, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Sex is for two people who’ve made a commitment, a marriage covenant. In fact, one of the best gifts you can give your husband on your wedding night is yourself. Hebrews 13:4 affirms that, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God’s words, not mine.

Sadly, sex before marriage is so prevalent in our contemporary culture that sometimes people forget God intended this intimate expression of love for a lifelong committed relationship called marriage. Not outside of it. In the context of marriage, it’s a special and incredible thing that, like a fire in a fireplace, brings warmth, comfort and joy.

In the wrong context, it's like a cozy fire that burns outside of the fireplace’s boundaries and becomes out of control--it sets the house ablaze, damaging your property and destroying your life.

Not good.

If you’ve already gone too far sexually, you can find healing and forgiveness. You can become what one woman I know calls, “a born-again virgin.” Talk to God about it in prayer. Confess what you’ve done wrong and ask for his forgiveness. And our gracious God will forgive you and make you clean and pure again. Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8).

Emotional and physical boundaries
A few years ago, Scott Croft wrote a column for the Boundless.org website, a Focus on the Family webzine for singles. In it, he talked about how God’s word (in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8) “admonishes us not to wrong or ‘defraud’ our brother or sister by implying a marital level of commitment (through sexual involvement) when it does not exist.”

The passage tells us, among other things, to avoid sexual immorality, control your body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust.

Many times women have come to me and said they felt terrible (used, shamed, hurt) when they gave in to the sexual demands of a man who was not their husband.

Whether it was a boyfriend trying to push his limits or just a guy they hooked up with, they were "defrauded," used, and not treated as they deserved to be—with love, respect, and honor. When someone uses you for his or her own selfish pleasure, no matter what the level of physical intimacy, it can be inappropriate both physically and emotionally, according to Croft.

And hurtful.

People can wound you with words or with their actions. That’s why boundaries are vital in dating and relationships—both the physical limits of how far you will or will not go sexually (to guard your body) and emotional limits of what you will or will not accept from others verbally and relationally (to guard your heart).

In their classic book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend describe the protective device like a fence, “Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures (Matthew 7:6) so that people will not steal them.”Your heart is a treasure, and so is your body.

Guarding your heart means you don’t “play house” by acting like you’re married when you are not. Doing so can be very hurtful when you break up because the emotional ties you’ve created now need to be severed. Protect your heart from emotional injuries you were never designed to incur.

What will your boundaries be in your next relationship? How will you enforce them?

Your precious heart's depending on it.

Brighter Days Ahead

I'll tell you how the sun rose
a ribbon at a time.
~Emily Dickinson

Isn’t it good to know that day always follows night? That winter’s icy blasts always give way to the freshness of spring? Joy comes after sorrow. You’ve come a long way on your heart healing journey from breaking up to brighter days ahead.

In the darkness you were releasing—grieving losses, healing emotional pain, and discovering the power of forgiveness as you learned to experience God’s love in deeper ways.

In the dawn you were renewing—learning to wait well, awakening hope and restoring your confidence and self esteem, knowing that you really are worth being loved well.

Now it is day, and you are rebuilding—waking up to the rest of your life, finding purpose and vision, and learning to make healthier choices in relationships next time.

Healing is coming and bit by bit, you’re not so affected by the breakup anymore. Even the shape of your life is changing. The physician-poet Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The mind, once expanded to the dimension s of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.” I believe the same is true of love. The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.

You have changed. And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a breakup too. Ruin can be restored. Your past will always be a part of who you are; history happened. But as you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions, like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises. Things start to get better.

Surprisingly, the human heart is quite flexible and resilient; it has the ability to bounce back from difficulties. But you’re really not bouncing “back,” you’re bouncing forward—from darkness to light, deadness to life, brokenness to greater wholeness, fear to courage, and so much more.

God is all about transformation. “I will guide you,” He says Isaiah 42:16, “I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.”

It’s time to live in the light.


Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14

Freedom from Fear and Finding Peace After a Breakup

The end of a relationship can put a lot of ideas into a your head. What if I’m making a mistake? What if no one ever loves me again? What if I’m too old, too fat, too thin, too boring, or too whatever? What if I never get married and have kids?

What if. . .?

Rejection and the resulting fear can often be crippling. It can hold you back from moving forward and taking risks in the future.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

While some fears are founded, others are irrational and will never come to pass. And it’s important to know the difference.

You may have heard the saying “feel the fear and do it anyway.” Sometimes we need to push past how we feel in order to do the right thing, or get where we need to be in life.

When Jesus walked the earth, one of the disciples named Peter did a very courageous thing when he decided to trust God and defy gravity by walking on water. In John 14:22-33 you can read the account of Peter and other disciples who were in a boat some distance from the shore when they saw Jesus walking on the lake. They thought it was a ghost and they were terrified.

It wasn’t a ghost. It was the One who loved them most.

Jesus told them not to be afraid, and Peter replied to Jesus saying, "Tell me to come to you on the water." Pretty daring, I’d say.

And Jesus said, "Come."

Interestingly, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he looked around he saw the wind, he became afraid, and began to sink into the lake.

Scary.

But as Peter he began to descend into the dark waters he cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand to Peter and lifted him up. Whew! A good lesson for us too: Eyes on Jesus we stand strong, eyes on the storm—we sink!

The Lord wants you to be free from fear, worry, and obsessive reasoning. He wants you to trust Him. When you do the rewards are great. Instead of fear, doubt, and panic, there is freedom, peace, joy.

Be at peace. The One who loves you most will take care of you.

Here are some Bible verses to reflect on –words of life and peace—to help you conquer your fears:

The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:11

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

When He Doesn’t Call: Keeping Your Joy

Happiness may come and go, but joy is much more stable.

Finding joy can be challenging, but possible, whether he calls or not, whether you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) or not. No matter what.

Despite your circumstances you can choose to have joy. Really. Yep, it’s a choice.

Joy happens because you know on Whom you wait—not for the guy to call, but for God to show you that you are worth being loved well. And the one who is right for you will PURSUE you, will call you, and will not leave you wondering!

The proof is in the pursuit. If he’s pursuing you, he may be interested. If he’s not, you’ve got to let it go. Don’t try to rationalize with reasons (he’s shy, he’s busy, he’s not over his ex, etc.). For WHATEVER REASON—even if you don’t know what it is—you have be “hands off” and move forward with your own life if the guy’s not pursuing you.

The thing is, you can have peace because God is in control. You cast your cares onto Him (“Here, take this longing and ache, Lord!”) and not carry them around.

Release yourself and rely on His strength. And then a lighter heart emerges. Ah….can you feel it? Things may not have changed, but you have.

So, no matter what is or is not happening in your life right now, soak in God’s joy.

And for those of us who are single and longing for the right one for us to come into our lives, here is some hope. First, the verse in the Bible as it appears. Then, my modern day-Jackie-interpretation of the verse for singles.

Here you go…

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Here is my translation of Habakkuk 3:17-18 for singles:

Though the relationship does not bud
and there are no men on the phone,
though the love connection fails
and the man produces no ring,
though there are no dates in my Daytimer®
and no guys at the door…

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God; He will take care of me.

So whether you have a Daytimer, an online calendar, or scraps of notes to keep you on track in life, God never loses track of you. He will give all you need.

Stand up straight. Take a deep breath. Remember the joy that’s yours today—and every day.

Getting Over a Breakup: Renovating Your Heart

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

He left you. You left him. Or, you both left. Whatever happened, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Doesn’t matter if it was two years, two months or two decades, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Even though your relationship may have faded like a California sunset, your life can start again land of new beginnings. Just remember, it takes time—and a whole lot of truth—and it’s a process. A journey.

Your healing journey from pain to joy is like the cycle of a day—it goes from darkness to light. We’ll talk more about all this stuff in blog posts all through the month of January. But for now, here’s the big picture.

You’ve basically got these four stages: Twilight, Night, Dawn and Day.

Twilight is a time of endings.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses.

Dawn is the awakening of truth about your true identity, about who God is and His place in all of this.

Day breaks is a brand new beginning, moving forward with joy into your future.

Bottom line: God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness. The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

The good news is that despite your soul injuries, you can live a full and joyful life. It may feel like “The End,” but your new beginning will come.