Love Yourself, Be Yourself

When you love yourself, and you know God loves you, you can make smarter choices in relationships. Loving yourself means you can be yourself, not an exact replica of the man you’re dating. You have enough self respect not grovel when he says he no longer wants to go out with you. You say “no” when you really don’t want to spend time with a guy, instead of leading him on by trying to be nice. You speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Loving others starts with Jesus’ words “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31). Like women, men need affirmation, appreciation and encouragement. They also receive love as you respect them and trust them. Whether you end up dating or marrying a new man, or just seeing him a few times, treat him well—the way you’d want to be treated—with kindness, grace and forgiveness.

Love God enough to listen to what he says, to follow Him, and to ask for wisdom. Let Him be the first one you run to when you need to make decisions. Love him enough to trust him, because He really does know what He’s doing even when we don’t understand.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs. 3:5). God is all about fixing brokenness. He delights in restoration and brings renewed hope and joy after rejection. Loving, faithful, and more than able, He is your Dream Come True.

Top 5 Lessons from “The Bachelor”

Well, this season of “The Bachelor” on ABC is over, but the emotions can linger for days. Whether you wanted Emily Maynard (the Southern blonde) or Chantal O’Brien (the Seattle brunette) to win, there was a lot of drama in the season finale this week.

Every time I watch this show I notice something about human nature. Many times, I want to walk right up to the women who are rejected and say, “Sure you feel lousy right now. Rejection hurts. But it’s what you DO with your emotions that will make the difference.”

I want to tell them a whole lot more, mind you, but instead I will share my observations with you. Here are five life lessons we can apply to our own lives gleaned from the women who put theirs on national television.

1)Handling rejection. Most of the rejected women riding away from the mansion in the limo often say, “What is wrong with me?” When the real question is: What are you telling yourself about this situation? Whether it was love or like, or just a crush, when the guy rejects you it’s not always about you. He is just trying to find the person who’s the “best fit” for him. Just as you should be looking for the best fit for your needs, personality, lifestyle and more. You can sob and tell yourself, “No one wants to be with me.” or you can say, “Wow, that hurt. But some day someone will appreciate all that I have to offer. I am worth being loved well!”

Say it with me, “I am worth being loved well.”

2)Deception. Okay, if you have watched this show or the companion show, “The Bachelorette” for any length of time you know that a modicum of deception is part of the show. When Chantal said, “How could I be so deceived?” I feel for her. She was in love with Brad Wommack. But, she didn’t know how he felt about the other person left at the end of the show. That’s because, on some level, Brad had to keep showing both women affection and attention when he knew in his heart he was gaga in love with Emily.

It’s a TV show, and Mike Fleiss (the producer) has to make “good television.” That means drama. And that means the bachelor has to play the game until the very end, even if it means hurting someone like lovely Chantal.

To his credit, Brad doesn’t seem to want to hurt anyone, but it’s part of the show. You have to play the game. And he did.

3)Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. At the “After the Final Rose” show Chantal asked Brad, “When did you know you wanted to be with her?” (meaning Emily, the woman he proposed to). He paused. Yep, he liked (or loved) Emily for a bajillion episodes, and Chantal had no idea. Notice how he didn’t really answer her. Enough said.

4)Always carry a purse. Did you ever notice how these women on “The Bachelor” never carry a purse! Perfect hair, makeup, and stunning dress, but no place to put the Kleenex you will need later on. Most women I know ALWAYS carry a purse, unless they are being wheeled into major surgery.


5)Know that there are different kinds of love and love does not always lead to marriage. Our American culture has only one word for love, while the Greeks had quite a few. Like PHILEO, which means “friendship love.” Can you say, Ashley H. She was fun and playful and it seemed like she was more of a good, close friend to Brad. How about AGAPE, that’s deep love but not marriage love. Enter Chantal. Brad loved her, but he had EROS love, “romantic love” with Emily.

Even though love does not always lead to marriage, it’s worth loving others. Don’t close your heart even when you’ve been hurt. Because one day, maybe soon, the right one for YOU will pursue you, will want you….and if you keep your heart open, and be ready, it might just be something great.

Chantal said, “Everything happens for a reason.” I couldn’t’ agree more. Have faith. Believe.

And watch what happens!

Rebuilding Your Life after Rejection (Part 2)

How do you stop the “wearing away” of emotional erosion after rejection? How do you rebuild your self esteem and restore confidence?

Plant seeds of truth. After a devastating forest fire, erosion is contained by planting grass seed or building retaining walls. After a breakup, emotional erosion is shored up by planting seeds of truth and building supportive walls around your heart to retain the truth and prevent future erosion.

The seeds of truth come from reading and hearing God’s word, planting them in your heart and applying them to your life. In time there is growth, heart hedges holding your life in place—rooted and established.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ...” (Ephesians 3:16-19, emphasis mine)

Rooted in God’s love and what He says about you, you can stand firm when you feel like your self worth is being washed away by the strong winds of someone else’s unkindness or how your hair turned out that day.

When your roots go deep into the source of life, the water of God’s word you stay fresh and growing. Plant seeds of truth and as they grow, you will be better able to take hold of your true identity—what God says about who you are.

Know your true identity. What is your identity? It is what your driver’s license says? Is it what you tell yourself, what others say about you, or what the world thinks? How you see yourself affects how you feel and what to do or don’t. It affects your level of confidence.

So often we want to hide the broken and less-than-perfect parts of our selves. Yet as we come to realize that Christ loves us in the middle of our mess, that startling love helps us to accept both our strengths and weaknesses, both the dark and light, and our self image becomes less broken and more whole.

Self esteem is the value you place on how you see yourself. It’s how content you are with that image. Of course, self esteem fluctuates but if it is too high it can lead to a prideful heart.

Perhaps you’ve seen a woman who thinks she is “all that.” Her smugness and conceit is contrasted with the person who has low self esteem: she thinks she is “none of that.” She focuses more one her mistakes instead of what she does right. She is often sad or fearful, and her insecurity prevents her from speaking up, taking chances, or moving forward.

Whether it’s too high or too low, ask yourself if your assessment of your self or situation is accurate. Ask God to give you insight.

A healthy view of yourself is balanced. A woman with a healthy self-esteem respects herself. She feels secure and worthwhile because of what God says about her. She has confidence in relationships and in life and generally more joy. She knows she has significance; she matters. With her sense of worth and value intact, she sits up straight and walks tall. Her head up, this confident woman is friendly, gentle and kind. She makes eye contact when she speaks, and she doesn’t constantly apologize for everything she says or does.

After a breakup, you may feel like your self esteem has plummeted because often rejection can make you feel unwanted, unloved, or unworthy. It’s hard to learn to trust again and you wonder about your judgment. Often women wonder “what is wrong with me?” when in reality a man has not beheld your true worth. And neither have you.

It’s important to remember that your value as a person is not based on what one person thinks about you. As you allow God to shift your self esteem from how you see yourself to seeing your worth and value through God’s eyes a realignment takes place. God empowers you to see differently, you begin to act differently.

You change your perception, and you change your life.

Emotional Erosion: Rebuilding Life after Rejection (Part 1)

The summer of 2002 had been one of the driest in decades and our state was enduring a drought when the largest forest fire in Colorado’s history, the Hayman Fire, started in the Pike National Forest.

Sadly, this inferno was ignited when a forest service officer was burning a letter from her estranged husband. The devastation was enormous; it caused thousands of people to evacuate their homes, totally destroyed over a hundred of them, and burned about 138,000 acres.

What a mess.

The intense heat of the fire had destroyed the protective layer of groundcover over the soil (like plants, grass, shrubs, and even litter). With the topsoil washed away, tree roots are exposed and unprotected, and the plant life is vulnerable to damage and depleted of nutrients.

Just as a forest fire can lead to erosion of soil, the fire of harsh words, negative comments or repeated rejection can begin to wear away at your self esteem.

What are some reasons our self esteem gets damaged?

Rejection is one of the biggest self esteem crushers, whether it’s from the crumbling of a long term relationship or an I-don’t-think-so brush off after a few dates. You hope, you wonder, and you take a risk with someone. Then you breakup and feel like you’ve lost again. It can do a number on your self esteem and you wonder how you’ll muster the confidence and courage to start all over with someone new.

A distorted perception of yourself. A “distorted perspective” of something is fuzzy and imprecise, and often untrue. When I was in eighth grade I got my first pair of eyeglasses. I remember looking out the window at the trees and noticing how clearly I could distinguish each individual leaf. With the clarity the glasses provided, blurry green blobs on a stick transformed into majestic maple and oak trees.

Sometimes we don’t see ourselves clearly either. The lenses through which we’ve been viewing our lives have been distorted by the constant criticism of a parent, the degrading comments from kids at school or by the downright mean way someone has treated you.

“Distorted images are not only shaping your perspective but are also hindering your possibilities,” says Jud Wilhite in Eyes Wide Open.

We need God’s better-than-20/20-vision to gain a clearer vision of who we really are, to come out of hiding, to be courageous, and to see ourselves as He sees us.

Loss of self. Instead of being misaligned, you may feel like your self esteem has been misplaced altogether. You feel lost because you lost yourself in the relationship. Maybe you were a people pleaser, a “yes” girl, and now you’re uncertain as to your identity and purpose. “Who am I apart from you? Who am I now?” Maybe you spent so much time on his life that you neglected your own.

He may have left you, but you left you as well, and you abandoned yourself.

Loss of self means you are out of touch with what you need and want. It is the ultimate abandonment when you don’t feel worthy to live in your own life. Your heart is like a deserted house, dark and empty, with boarded up windows and a fence in disrepair.

Stuck in the past. When hurtful memories from the past linger too long in your heart, they can wreak havoc on your self esteem in the present. An example from classic literature is the eccentric Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.

Jilted on her wedding day, Miss Havisham was so devastated that she left all the clocks in her house at twenty minutes to nine (because that was the time she received the heartbreaking news from her fiancé) and she never changed them again.

This woman held on to her hurt for years by leaving everything as it was on that dreadful day: the decaying remains of the wedding banquet littered the table, and she continued to wear the faded wedding dress. Every day she stared at painful reminders of the past as she clung tightly to “what could have been.” Feeling her life was ruined, she let her house and herself live in ruin.
How do you stop the “wearing away” of emotional erosion? How do you rebuild self esteem and restore confidence?

Stay tuned for more—Part 2 is coming on Tuesday.