The Best of A New Day Cafe: Light in the Darkness - Finding Hope After a Relationship Breakup

Back by popular demand, this post offers comfort, hope and helpful insight for people going through a relationship breakup. I hope it blesses you.

 

 Though I sit in darkness,

the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8

 

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle.

 

Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted.

If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every breakup story has a beginning and an end, and often the healing process is like the cycle of a day. To get from the darkest night of your emotional pain to the light of day--of joy again--read on:  

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

Dawn reveals the truth as God illuminates your thinking, just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon. Hope awakens with the light. You begin to see God’s character (His love and protection over you, His provision and more) and you find out how he redeems losses and restores brokenness.

 

As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams.

With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

Bottom line: When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret.

 

What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life?

The hopeful truth is this: God heals brokenness; God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness.

Indeed, The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

You don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant.

 

He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.

 

 

For more about how to get over a breakup, check out Jackie M. Johnson's helpful book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (Moody Publishers). Available in paperback and e-book in English and Portuguese.

 

Jackie also blogs for singles on the LIVING SINGLE blog on Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk website.

 

 

 

Dealing with Rejection after a Breakup

 

Breakups are tough. And no matter how hard someone tries to carefully choose their words, rejection hurts. Even if you only went out a few times the sting of their rebuff can leave you feeling like a dating discard or send you into a what-is-wrong-with-me spiral.  

Whether you were together for two weeks or two years, being rejected can leave you feeling unwanted, insecure, or “less than.”  How can you cope? 

When you feel rejected, it’s important to remember that there’s what happened and what you tell yourself about what happened. Often, a guy is not rejecting you as a person, but making a choice on the best fit for him (just as you make a choice on what’s the best fit for you).  

It’s crucial to know that not being chosen doesn’t mean you’re not acceptable. You are still worthy and wonderful whether the other person realizes it or not.  You may not feel very wonderful right now, but don’t let what someone else thinks erode your sense of self.   

Besides the guy may have his own issues to deal with too. When he says, “It’s not you, it’s me” you may want to believe him. On the other hand, there may be things in your own life you want to change—like false beliefs that are preventing you from lasting love. It’s worth praying about and exploring how you can become your best self whether you are in a relationship or not.  

No matter who initiated the breakup, remember that you will always be significant and important in the eyes of the One who loves you most.  

Keep reminding yourself of the truth, because truth combats lies like light combats darkness. You matter to God, and He has unending love for you. You are the apple of his eye. He chose you. You are accepted in the Beloved. You are enough, and you are worth being loved well.  

Truly, your love life matters to God. He is still in control and He is leading you on a path to good purposes.  

God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

 

To learn more about healing from a dating relationship breakup or divorce,

check out When Love Ends by Jackie M. Johnson. Available in paperback or e-book.

 

 

 

 

After a Breakup: Dealing with Endings

 

It’s over. Your relationship has ended. Game over. You got dumped. He left or you left—either way you broke up. Now what?

When it comes to breakups, everyone around you will most likely have an opinion. Even your most well-intentioned friends who say things like: Forget about it. There are other fish in the sea. I never liked him anyway. Just get over it. But how?  

How do you heal a broken heart? How do you get rid of the awful kicked-in-the stomach feeling and become a person of resilience, courage, and joy? How do you leave…grieve…and learn to trust and love again? How do you begin again, especially when you just don’t want to?  

It helps to have some perspective… 

Endings are a part of life. In fact, much of life is about beginnings and endings, transitions and changes, losing and finding anew. You graduate from high school or college, and start a job. You leave a job or ministry, and start another one. Sometimes you move from one part of the country to another and start all over again.  

Transition isn’t always easy. For some, adjusting to transition is smooth, for others it’s rocky and staggered. Loss and gain, good and bad, life and death are all part of life, and life has its cycles. You will not stay in this ending phase of life forever; a new beginning will come. You may not know when or how, but it will. Just like the springtime comes every year, even after the hardest of winters.

How you respond to hard times makes a difference. If you pretend life is a storybook with only happy endings, it’s not reality. Hard things happen. Sometimes we lose people or things we treasure. But it does not mean we are losers. I’ve heard that Chuck Swindoll says, “It’s not always what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it that makes a difference.”  

You have choices. You can choose to ignore your pain, numb out, try to forget about it, or do nothing. Or, in the midst of your pain and darkness, you can look to the light of God’s truth for hope, healing and wholeness.  Either way, it’s your choice. How you handle endings, or don’t, will determine how you move forward.  

Keep reading, my friend, since each of the next 12 days will provide help and hope to get you from the rejection and sadness into the light of truth and joy again.

 

(For more about dealing with endings from a relationship breakup, check out When Love Ends by Jackie M. Johnson.)

 

 

The Breakup Book - Healing the Hurt After a Breakup

 

Going through a relationship breakup? Know someone who is? "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" can bring comfort and healing to the dark time of a breakup or divorce. You'll discover how to process the pain, deal with your greif and loss, and learn ways to make better choices in what you want (and don't want) in a relationship next time.

 

Share the hope with someone who's hurting. Here's a brief excerpt from the book:

 

          And then the day come comes when you don't think about him every day, and the mention of his name doesn't pierce your heart like a verbal arrow, a barb straight into your heart. You can drive past your special place it no longer has a hold on you. It’s just a place. You know who you are and what you want and it's okay. You know God loves you. And that makes all the difference.

 

The sun sets, the heart breaks, but the light of God’s brilliant and illuminating truth shines on. You come to realize that endings are a part of life, and so are new beginnings.

 

And you learn that God redeems your loss and pain, and heals the heart to love again. And one day everything really will be okay.  Maybe not today, but some day. 

 

As the tears pour out you discover that everything happens for a reason, even when you don’t understand or like it.  Bleary-eyed, you look up and smile as it begins to settle in your heart that God really is in control; He knows what He’s doing, He cares and He is working all things together for the good whether the relationship door slammed shut or gently closed behind you.

 

A door closes, a window opens, and a fresh breeze blows into the stale mourning stillness that lingers your heart. In the midst of your mess, God surprises you, and things begin to change…

 

What time is it in your life?  The edge of evening is approaching; it’s time to get the comfort and support you need to begin the heart healing process. The rest of your life is waiting.