Waiting for a Valentine? Maybe He's Already Here

Waiting for a Valentine

For love, the heart cries silently,
“Where are you?
When will you find me?”
Hopeful for a precious valentine.

Yet, waiting long it seeks to fill
The emptiness with its own will,
And imitations leaving lack,
Hungry for a faithful valentine.

At last a suitor is revealed,
Truth uncovered, not concealed,
Who shines with light supreme, sublime.
Are you my radiant valentine?

Love, he tells me is his name,
And Justice, he is just the same
For once he hung between two robbers on a tree –
My God, My God, my faithful valentine.

What Love is this that covers me --
And shields me from my enemies?
From death to life so powerfully,
My valiant valentine.

Your giving heart, so rare and free,
Your promise you will never leave,
Eternity of You and me,
My One true love valentine.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Finding Love Again: Are Your Expectations Realistic?

The perfect man. The perfect woman. Do they really exist?

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection.

The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. And love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless.

Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also said that the wise woman looks for “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think dating or marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.”

Huh.

Like any relationship, marriage has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As you think and pray about what you want in a date or a life partner, keep a realistic view—both the bright side and challenging side.

After a Breakup: What to Look for When You're Looking for Love Again

Looking for Mr. (or Miss) Right?

There are many essential traits to look for in a date, and eventually a life partner. I have five listed here, the five C’s: Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling with some questions to ask yourself about what each one means for you.

Christian means that he has a committed and growing walk with God. If you’re a person of faith, that’s the foundation for any dating relationship. What does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? How will your faith influence your decision-making in life? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is essential to any good relationship. It’s talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication is important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation, or do you prefer to stay in the shallow end? What is “good communication” to you?

I remember a dreadful date with a man who didn’t talk to me almost the entire day we were together. Ron was a man from church with whom I’d spoken a few times. We had mutual friends and saw each other at singles events. One Sunday afternoon we drove to Green Bay for a Packers football game and he was completely silent throughout the entire game—including halftime! Even the long, soundless drive home was awful. I told myself that day that I needed a man who would not only talk, but listen, and make good communication a priority.

Character refers to his temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises, say what he means and mean what he says? How do your personalities mesh? Do you have temperaments that are complementary?


Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have other qualities that appeal to you? Is there that intangible “certain something” that makes you click as a couple? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but don’t let your feelings dictate your choices based solely upon someone’s looks. True beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel. Additionally, chemistry is just one of the essential five C’s for a healthy and fulfilling match, one piece of the entire love puzzle.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s will for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage, or not? Just because you love someone does not always mean you will marry them. If you have all four of the five C’s, but if the “C” of Calling is not there, it will never work. You may have different life paths.

Finally, before you date someone—whether you meet on the Internet or at the office—make sure he is not married. Seriously. Don’t rely on him wearing a ring.

Here’s my story about that…

Josh had the kind of captivating blue eyes you could dive into and swim laps in for hours. He was a new client at our firm and always stopped by my desk to say hello and chat briefly. Of course, he always had something interesting to say and often I could only eek out pleasantries while I tried to remember my name.

Sigh.

His left-hand ring finger was bare; a good sign. No glint of a gold wedding band to be seen. Since there wasn’t a man in my life at the time, I had fun daydreaming about him. It was just for amusement, I told myself. Until the day I learned he was married.

Married! Yep. To the same woman for twenty years. And, oh, and they have a bunch of kids. How in the world was that possible? I mean, he never wore a ring and he was so nice. I was shocked, and surprisingly a bit hurt. I know I shouldn’t have been, but Daydream Man was gone. Who would I think about now?

It was time to clear my heart and head of even the smallest inklings of desire for this person and get back to what I really wanted—a God-centered lasting love.

Okay, so think about the 5C’s and what you’ll do with them. And maybe one day, the man with the precious metal on his left hand will belong to you.

Choose wisely.

Finding Love Again: What Do You Want to Do Differently Next Time?

Often books on relationships emphasize finding the right person, but it’s also important to be the right person.

To have the lasting love and intimacy you desire it’s essential to identify unhealthy patterns in your own life, change what you can about yourself, and then come into greater clarity about the qualities you want in another person.

Identify unhealthy patterns. Healthy relationships grow when we know our true identity and respect our individuality and uniqueness. They also flourish when we connect with who God is (His character) and how that makes a difference in our life.

We are all made with different habits, personality traits and ways of relating. However, sometimes we do things in a relationship that hurt ourselves or damage the connection and we don’t know why.

Sometimes we know our weak spots and sometimes we are blind-sighted. Think about your past dating experiences. What went wrong? Why did it end?

It’s helpful to identify any patterns in your dating experiences that may be sabotaging the love you desire. You can start by making a list of things you’ve learned from past relationships—things you’ve done that you don’t want to do again. Here are some examples:

* You stayed too long in a dead end relationship.
* You didn’t stand up for yourself when he hurt you with words or actions.
* You gave in when he wanted to go farther physically than you wanted.
* You stubbornly wanted your own way all the time.
* You didn’t know how to handle it when he treated you poorly.
* You lived in a fantasy world of thinking “it will be more” when he only wanted friendship.
* You rushed from one relationship to next when you weren’t ready love again.

Change your thoughts and actions. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to get to make some changes. What do you want to do differently next time?

You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns of the past. Ask yourself why you’ve made unwise relationship choices? If you don’t know, then pray and ask God to reveal to you any habits or patterns that have been holding you back.

Be clear on you really need in a relationship. In order to make choices that lead to the love and intimacy you desire, it’s important to know the characteristics you want—and don’t want—in a person. What are your criteria for the things you look? Think about the kind of men you’ve picked in the past? What do you want now? What needs to change?

Make a list of things you need in a relationship. For instance:
• I need to have a better idea of what I really want in a relationship.
• I need to learn to assess more quickly if a man is right for me or not.
• I need to be clear with myself and the other person about what behaviors I will and will not accept.
• I need someone who is consistent in his words and actions.
• I need to make time for a quality relationship; to feel more connected.
• I need a man who will pursue me, be available, and treat me with respect.

My friend Heidi once said, “The difference between the wrong man and the right man is like the difference between the darkest night and the brightest day.”

It’s time for a brand new day!

Finding Love Again: Wisdom is Key

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make healthier choices in the future by becoming a person of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We’ll talk about each one of these characteristics each day this week on A New Day Café blog—right here.

Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date. If you’re a person of faith, will you look for love in the world’s way or God’s way?

There is no Intro to Dating 101 section in the Bible, but we know that God desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. For one thing, that means being more other-centered and less self-centered.

It also means to be humble, be patient, bear with one another, to speak truthfully to build up others with your words, to be kind and compassionate, to forgive each other, and to live a life of love. Check out the book of Ephesians in the Bible for more about how we are to treat others—no matter who they are.

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up on the inside.

When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature.

What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the One who is her future and her hope: Jesus Christ.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursuing her.

A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” (James 1:22)

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

Restoring Confidence After a Breakup: Essential Tips

When your identity is rooted in the soil of God’s truth, your confidence grows. So when you run into the guy who dumped you, or the girl he is with now, it won’t shatter your self esteem. Sure, it may shake you up a bit at first, but you bend; you don’t break. As you learn to accept your strengths and your weaknesses, you build confidence that you are worth being loved well.

Confidence is very attractive. In fact, I’ve heard a number of men say that it’s not always how a woman looks that first attracts them. Surprising as that may be, they say that it’s her confidence and how she makes them feel.

One day down the road you may start dating again, and when you do, you will have the confidence to move forward and make better choices next time (I’ll blog more about that next week).

You can be confident in God, and His abilities not your inabilities. Confidence, because God is faithful. “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Here are some suggestions to improve self esteem and confidence builders:

*Challenge negative and “what is wrong with me?” thinking.

*Watch your “self talk” and ruminating. Oftentimes we are harder on ourselves than others.

*Appreciate your positive strengths and work on areas that may need improvement.

*Stay away from critical and negative people as much as possible.

*Don’t put yourself down; build yourself up with God’s word.

*Accept compliments graciously. Just say, "thank you."

*Face your fears with faith.

*Don’t be afraid to say no.

*When your self esteem starts to crash, ask yourself: What happened? Is it true?
What evidence is leading you to that conclusion? Then consider if you need to change something in your life, or let go what happened.

*What one person thinks about you is just one person’s opinion.

*Love and respect yourself.

*Remember: You are worth being loved well!

*Handle with humor; find something to laugh about.


Prayer
Lord, I need new confidence and self esteem after this time of rejection. Help me to focus on You, not my circumstances. Plant seeds of truth in my life and help them to grow so I can know my true identity based on what You say and what You see. When the words or actions of others have hurt me, please shore up my eroded self esteem. Give me clarity and true perspective. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Restoring Confidence and Self Esteem

This is who you are, your identity, LOVED BY GOD. ~ Eugene Peterson

After a relationship breakup a common question in going from a couple to a single is “Who am I now?” You want to know if you are loveable, worthy, enough. How do you find your way forward on your own?

Breakups can affect your self esteem and your identity. When you look at yourself, you may have a clear picture or a distorted image—either way it’s your point of view.

So often a woman looks to a man to affirm her worth and value. If he thinks she is great, she feels great. If doesn’t, her worth withers. We are sorely deceived when we think that any man has the final answer to our significance.

“No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man is the verdict on your soul,” said John and Stasi Eldredge in Captivating. “Only God can tell you who you are. Only God can speak the answer you need to hear.”

To be sure, the authors affirm that it’s normal in a loving relationship to speak well of each other. It’s important to affirm each other with words. However, they conclude, our “core validation, our primary validation has to come from God.”

With the yardstick the world uses, you may feel like you will never measure up. However, when God looks at your life, He sees something entirely different—and His point of view is authenticity, reality, truth.

But what does God have to say about who you are? In His eyes, you are:

His friend.

A child of God—an adopted son or daughter.

Princess or prince.

You are precious, honored, and highly valued.

You are the apple of His eye (someone who is held dear).

You are chosen.

You are accepted by God…you belong to Him… and you are loved with an everlasting love.

Once you’ve discovered your true identity, who you are in God’s eyes, and choose to live in that truth you will begin to see yourself in a whole new light. You reawaken to who you really are—chosen, accepted and dearly loved—and find the courage to be yourself.

When your identity is rooted and ground in what God says about you, your self esteem is more solid. You are better able to handle success or failure, deal with change, make decisions, and move forward to give and receive real and lasting love.

The Lord wants to transform your identity, not take away who you are, but to reveal who you really are. No longer a servant, you are a friend. No longer an orphan, you are a child of God. Instead of a pauper, a princess; instead of alone and unloved, a Bride.

Don’t let your pain or your past define you. It is a part of who you are, but it’s not the entirety of what makes you the unique individual you are. Who you once were, or who you are now can be transformed as your identity comes from your security in Christ.