A New Day Cafe

Happy Heart Day -- Whether You Have Someone Special or Not

2012-02-11T15:47:00.001-07:00

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. If you have someone special to love--and be loved by--count your blessings. Be thankful. Treat him or her special every day, not just on the Love Holiday.

If you're on the other end of the love spectrum--getting over a breakup, then here's some hope.

Last week I was interviewed on the radio about my breakup book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" (Moody Publishing) on WBCL - Fort Wayne, Ind. Our host talke with me and guest David Hawkins, a Christian author and counselor about how to deal with the myriad emtions of getting dumped--and how to move forward.

Need hope? Here's a link to the interview. Click on it, scroll down and click LISTEN NOW. Or, share the link with a friend in need.

http://www.wbcl.org/media-manager/when-love-ends

Take a listen. Find hope. And know that on Valentine's Day and every day you are loved. God not only loves you, he likes you. He provides, protects and (I love this one) he accepts us. Unconditionally. Just the way we are.

Wow.

Now that's a love that will certainly last a lifetime--and beyond.

Love is...

2012-02-06T07:27:00.000-07:00

Love is patient...love is kind.

Resilience: Bouncing Back After A Breakup

2012-01-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Breakups can be difficult. When I was younger it seemed that every broken relationship I had with a guy was completely devastating. Back then, I didn’t have the emotional resources to handle the situation. After one particularly sad ending, I remember how hard it was to even eat. Lifting a fork to my mouth seemed like a Herculean effort.

I felt as if I was tree in a windstorm, tossed about an bending precariously close to the ground. The good news is that in time, the emotional storm ended. Gray clouds rolled away and revealed the hopeful light of the sun again. Hope returned!

Recovering from rejection takes time and the truth. Learning the truth about your situation, who you are in Christ and how much God loves you are keys to healing. You are loved, and you are worth being loved WELL.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back after hard times. Do you allow the tragedies of life to destroy you, or can you learn from them and move forward with new courage and hope that God will provide for you? Conside these ideas:

Accept the fact that life will never be the same again. You are different, the situation is different. In time, healing will come and you will grow to be a stronger and better person.

Express your feelings appropriately. Many people suppress their emotions and try to push them away. But like a beach ball shoved under the water, your emotions will pop back up again and they may come back up in a place and time you least expect it. Start by naming what you feel and letting yourself feel it (with yourself, a counselor or trusted friend). Like “I am angry…I am hurt…I am sad…”

Grieve the loss. Death, divorce, breakups, and the loss of a dream are some of the most devastating situations in life. Sometimes you just need to cry and cry out to God. He is always there with open arms to comfort and heal.

Look up with hope. Although it may not seem like it, your stormy times will end. We can have peace because God has a plan. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring but we know the One who knows. Never doubt the goodness of God.

Give God time. Healing comes step-by-step. Each day brings you closer, whether it’s through a friend’s phone call or a new truth learned in a book you've read. Some well-meaning people may say things like, “Get over it” or “Get on with your life.” But you can know that God has you on his timetable and His timing is perfect!

Learning resilience, recovering, and starting over is about letting go of what we think should happen and when it should happen. It’s total dependence on God to bring us back to wholeness. Healing will come. You will survive–and in time, thrive!

Lord, give me the strength to be resilient. May you bring growth from the pain, order from the chaos and abundance out of my lack. Fill me with Your love and joy again.

You Were "Made to Crave"

2012-01-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's January. The time of year many people make resolutions. Like losing weight. Often we start with good intentions, and fail. And start again. And like a hamster on a perpetual wheel our desire to lose weight seems to go nowhere.

Until now.

I believe that author and weight-loss achiever, Lysa TerKeurst is on to something. Her book, "Made to Crave" shows readers how to satisfy our deepest desires with God, not food.

In addition to the book, there is also a six-session video series and a workbook. The first session of the video is available FREE on YouTube at this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4crXOCVhX1w

This year is going to be different. I, for one, want to finally make that change--lose weight, be healthier and get on with all God has for me in this life.

How about you?

One Thousand Gifts

2012-01-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

If you haven't yet read Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" (Zondervan), I highly suggest it.

In this well-written, at times poetic, book you will...

Discover "everyday amazing grace" what she calls:

A way of living that is fully alive...that will bring you deep and lasting joy. She draws readers to the breathtaking beauty in the small things in life; in simplicity. Wise beyond her years, she offers hope that through GRATITUDE we will find the life we've always wanted.

A great way to start the new year--and make a difference in all your years to come.

It's Gonna Be a Great New Year! Bring on 2012

2011-12-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

It's the day after Christmas. Some folks are just waking up, bleary eyed from the holiday parties,exhausted from the hustle and bustle--or simply too many sugar-laden treats. Others are already out the door, hungry for sales and deep discounts.

But whether you are home from work enjoying a day off, or on your feet at a store all day, take some time later on to reflect on the year behind you...and make room for the new one.

What did you enjoy about this past year? What were some good things? And, what are some things you want to CHANGE or GET RID OF? Out with the old, in with the new!

Instead of New Year's resolutions, which many people make and break, how about declaring what you really want to happen in 2012 and having HOPE. Pray about what you want to be different in the new year. Because prayer is where the true power comes for lasting change.

Prayer is talking to God, and listening, in a holy conversation. He is the one who can give us the courage, self control, or freedom we need to make better choice---and have better lives!

May your New Year be bright with hope....may it be an amazing 2012 with MORE than you can ask or imagine.

As for me, I believe 2012 is gonna be a good one!

Praying on!
Jackie

What Is Christmas?

2011-12-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

To some it is Santa and snowmen and toys,
To some it’s the shopping, bright wrappings and noise,
To others it’s family and everyone’s home,
To me, it’s much more. Let me share in this poem…

Christmas is where it all began,
An infant child who became a man.
Eternity came down so we could understand,
The child of Creator, the true Son of Man.

He was not unexpected, for the prophets foretold
The events that had happened would surely unfold.
Four hundred years later the miracle came,
The star over Bethlehem shone where He lay.

They came to attend Him from near and from far,
The shepherds and wise men who followed the star.
All were rejoicing that first Christmas night
At the child of a virgin, a humbling sight.

So what is the meaning of that first Christmas night?
Simply, He came to make everything right.
For the Child had a purpose in coming to Earth.
He came as a light and to give us new birth.

He gave us forgiveness and paid with His life.
What kind of love would pay such a price?
For death could not hold Him; He rose from that grave.
And freedom and life were the gifts that He gave.

No longer divided, no longer alone,
Because of His love the wall had come down.
Live free forever! O, what a gift!
Both now here on earth and forever with Him.

Wise men and angels followed Him then.
Wise men still seek Him, again and again.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Pounded for a Purpose

2011-11-16T22:00:00.001-07:00

What do you need to let go of in your life in order to get to the next stage of your life?

Surrender. It implies giving up, or letting go. Often, we don't want to do it. But surrender is voluntary; we choose it.

Or not.

We need to know that sometimes our lives take many forms in order to accomplish God's purposes. We let go of one thing in order for another to happen--but often we don't realize that it's for a good purpose!

For instance, in order for you to eat a piece of hot, fresh bread from the oven a lot of surrender had to take place. A seed in the soil turns to golden wheat sheaves. The wheat is harvested, surrender to the cutting. Then it is crushed to make flour, and flour is used to make the dough. Making bread by hand means the dough is pounded, kneaded, but pounded for a purpose. How many times in your life have you felt that way?

Then the dough surrenders to the heat of the oven. And finally, it's ready. You smell the delectable aroma of freshly-baked bread.

The good purpose is revealed: yummy bread or something else. What are the seeds in your life that need to be surrendered to the soil of faith?

What is God growing, creating in your life?

Pray, surrender, wait and see. And pass me a slice of bread.

I am Wheat

I am wheat,
tall, willowy, golden brown stalks
swaying gently in the breeze,
basking in the amber glow of twilight.
I live
because a seed first died --
a small, hard piece of potential
buried in the soil of opportunity
I thrive,
through summer storms and sunshine,
delighting the prairie.
Harvest time:
From kernels gathered and crushed,
flour becomes dough,
kneaded with skillful hands,
pounded for a purpose.
I wait
and wait to rise and bake,
for timing is essential.
I am a crusty loaf,
carrying the delightful aroma
of fresh baked bread to the world
for the One who said, “I am the bread of life.”

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Forgiving Someone Who's Hurt You, Especially After a Breakup

2011-11-09T07:00:00.001-07:00

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable,
because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Forgiveness is like a brilliant diamond; there are many facets to it. Today I will present one aspect of it.

So something happened. Someone hurt you and now you are ticked, angry, hurt or some other combination of emotions.

Neil T. Anderson says that the more traumatic your experience, the more intense will be your primary emotion. According to Anderson, an event in the present triggers the primary emotion and sets off something inside that may have been dormant for years.

A relationship breakup, for instance, could activate emotions like intense anger or extreme feelings of rejection, and you may be puzzled as to why you are reacting the way you do—and why you cannot let go. Realizing that the past is creeping into your present will help you to deal with it.

Two ways to find resolution are: First, understand that you are no longer a product of your past. “You have the privilege of evaluating your past experience in the light of who you are today, as opposed to who you were then,” said Anderson. Second, forgive those who have offended you.

Easier said than done. Right?

Forgiveness is the key to healing
A major key that heals brokenness after a relationship ends is forgiveness—whether it’s forgiving past pain, forgiving the person who hurt you in the present, or forgiving yourself. “Forgiveness,” according to Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III in Bold Love “is the light that penetrates the dark and frees the somber, shamed heart to leap with love.”

Whether the offense was in the past or the present, holding onto that pain not only continues to hurt you, it can also block you from moving forward.

The pent up pain turns into bitterness, resentment, or offense and the emotional poison works its way into other areas of our lives. With stubbornness, pride, ignorance or sheer selfishness we cling, like those brown crunchy leaves that cling to trees in winter (long after their season has ended), to what we want or what we think should happen. “He is wrong, and I’m right.” “I want justice (or revenge).” “What he did was inexcusable.”

You don’t owe me
Years ago at a singles retreat in Green Lake, Wisconsin, Andy Stanley gave a talk on the topic of forgiveness. I remember him saying something to the effect that when you do not forgive, it’s as if you hold that person hostage in your heart. You take them out once in a while, beat them up, and put them back.

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something. They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding them prisoner, but you are the one with the pain. T

hen Stanley opened his hands, and with his palms turned up said something like, “Forgiveness means we release that person and say, ‘You don’t owe me.’” You don’t owe me.

How do you go from a place where you feel someone is emotionally indebted to you to a place you can release and forgive? Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness is and what it is not.

What forgiveness is…and is not
Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it.

You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions. Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would.

As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

I like what C.D. Baker says about God’s justice in 40 Loaves: Breaking Bread with Our Father Each Day, “Yes, God seeks justice and so should we. He grieves when we are oppressed or taken advantage of, and he demands justice on our behalf. But what we forget is that Jesus already paid the price for others’ violations against us…and for our violations against them. We don’t need to seek vengeance.”

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Artist at Work

2011-10-26T22:11:00.000-06:00

the heart breaks, not in half,
but in a hundred thousand tiny pieces,
like glass,
smashed against a hardwood floor
that scatters.

the Master rebuilds, not in haste,
but lovingly and tenderly in time,
like a craftsman,
fashioning a work of art
restoring the shattered fragments of a broken soul.

from shards of glass, radiance!
a brilliant new piece is created,
glistening in the light of early dawn.
a vessel of beauty, Lord-built,
from the splinters of yesterday.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

A Time for Everything - About Waiting

2011-10-10T06:52:00.000-06:00

When waiting seems hard
And things seem to be slow,
When the stoplight says, “wait”
And you just want to go,
Here’s a lesson in timing
For your life and mine:
God is not slow.
No, He keeps perfect time.

Can you say to a newborn,
“Get up and run?”
Or make the moon rise
In place of the sun?
Can you order a rosebud
To open up now?
Or hurry a calf
Being birthed from a cow?

To everything there’s a time
And an hour,
For our lives to unfold
And for roses to flower.
There’s a reason and purpose
For every delay,
And with patience and timing
We’ll get there someday.

For the work of waiting
Is finally believing
That it all comes from God
Who delights us in giving.
And His power will bring forth
What is best, and we’ll find
That deliverance will come,
For He keeps perfect time.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

A New Day Cafe Blog Reaches 98 Countries

2011-10-01T11:05:00.000-06:00

Hello readers,

Today is a day to celebrate!

As of October 1, 2011 this blog, A New Day Cafe, has reached readers in half the countries in the world (98 of 196 countries).

My goal is to blog words of hope and encouragement--to help people to get over relationship breakups and to have a better life. And I want to thank you for reading. I hope you've found help and hope from these words--from God's heart, to my hands, and into your life.

Here are the countries who've read A New Day Cafe blog in the past two years. Thank you! I pray for my readers each day.

United States, Canada, United Kingdom, India, Australia, Macedonia, Czech Republic, Germany, Ireland, Sri Lanka, France, Israel, Bolivia, Qatar, Ukraine, Iran, Japan, Indonesia, Poland, Columbia, Spain, Ghana, Slovakia, Vietnam, Antigua and Barbuda, China, Pakistan, Denmark, Morocco, Russia, South Korea, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Zimbabwe, Philippines, Sweden, South Africa, Netherlands, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uganda, Belgium, Thailand, Nigeria, Tunisia, Guyana, Maldives, Mexico, Switzerland, Romania, Singapore, Palestinian Territories, Reunion, Greece, Peru, New Zealand, Jordan, Serbia, Finland, Kenya, Lithuania, Iraq, Trinidad & Tobago, Sudan, Hungary, Malaysia, Taiwan, Malta, Latvia, Bulgaria, Turkey, Namibia, Ghana, Belarus, Jamaica, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Honduras, Algeria, Hong Kong, Senegal, Ukraine, Norway, Slovenia, Georgia, Italy, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Ecuador, Cambodia, Guatemala, Lebanon, Moldova, Kuwait, Oman, and Croatia.

Thank you. May you be blessed and find fresh hope for today!

Kind Words Bring Blessings

2011-09-18T09:11:00.001-06:00

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Proverbs 16:24

Most likely you’ve heard the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Think again. Words do harm people. In fact, we have the power to hurt or to heal with our words.

Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” We can use what comes out of our mouths for building up or tearing down, for blessing or for cursing. Every word we speak can cause growth, like water to a tree, or destruction, like an axe to the tree trunk.

As a child, words – kind or harsh – were spoken to you and they became some of the building blocks of the foundation of your self. Like gray bricks in the foundation of a house, the words that were said (or not said) formed your structure. Today, you may still be trying to heal from the cracks in your soul’s foundation.

Thankfully, God’s foundation is strong; His is a foundation of love, justice and righteousness. Psalm 89:14 says, “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you.” With His strength, we can learn to say kind words more often to strengthen the foundation of those around us.

They say it takes 11 positive comments to heal one negative word spoken. If that’s the case we need to heed the words of one wise person in Proverbs to build up one another, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).

Will your words build up or destroy another today? The choice is yours.

Lord, let love be my foundation. Give me the wisdom to speak kind words to others to build them up not tear them down.

Love Yourself, Be Yourself

2011-09-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

When you love yourself, and you know God loves you, you can make smarter choices in relationships. Loving yourself means you can be yourself, not an exact replica of the man you’re dating. You have enough self respect not grovel when he says he no longer wants to go out with you. You say “no” when you really don’t want to spend time with a guy, instead of leading him on by trying to be nice. You speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

Loving others starts with Jesus’ words “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31). Like women, men need affirmation, appreciation and encouragement. They also receive love as you respect them and trust them. Whether you end up dating or marrying a new man, or just seeing him a few times, treat him well—the way you’d want to be treated—with kindness, grace and forgiveness.

Love God enough to listen to what he says, to follow Him, and to ask for wisdom. Let Him be the first one you run to when you need to make decisions. Love him enough to trust him, because He really does know what He’s doing even when we don’t understand.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs. 3:5). God is all about fixing brokenness. He delights in restoration and brings renewed hope and joy after rejection. Loving, faithful, and more than able, He is your Dream Come True.

Wait for Love, Not Just "Friends With Benefits"

2011-09-08T19:33:00.000-06:00

Signs and signals are important for our safety on the road and in relationships. Have you ever been in traffic and the car in front of you flashes a bright red left turn signal, and then suddenly turns right.

Um – what’re ya doing?

When a man treats you like that, and sends mixed signals, it can be confusing. It’s time to ask questions and get clarification.

What kinds of signs is he giving you? Does he act like a boyfriend and then treat you like a friend? Does he just want to be physical (sexual) with you, and then act like he doesn’t even know you? If he doesn’t pursue you, don’t settle for being a “friend with benefits?” You deserve better.

Think about this: Lust visits, love stays. Lust takes, love gives. Lust is selfish, love puts the other person first. You can tell over the course of time a man’s intentions. “Only time can reveal the difference between infatuation and lasting love,” says Bill Hybels in Fit to Be Tied.

To be a woman of integrity, go to the source of integrity, the Bible. This helpful and holy book addresses what to do, and not do, with your body before you are married. We are to honor God with our bodies, not degrade them.

For instance, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Sex is for two people who’ve made a commitment, a marriage covenant. In fact, one of the best gifts you can give your husband on your wedding night is yourself. Hebrews 13:4 affirms that, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” God’s words, not mine.

Sadly, sex before marriage is so prevalent in our contemporary culture that sometimes people forget God intended this intimate expression of love for a lifelong committed relationship called marriage. Not outside of it. In the context of marriage, it’s a special and incredible thing that, like a fire in a fireplace, brings warmth, comfort and joy.

In the wrong context, it's like a cozy fire that burns outside of the fireplace’s boundaries and becomes out of control--it sets the house ablaze, damaging your property and destroying your life.

Not good.

If you’ve already gone too far sexually, you can find healing and forgiveness. You can become what one woman I know calls, “a born-again virgin.” Talk to God about it in prayer. Confess what you’ve done wrong and ask for his forgiveness. And our gracious God will forgive you and make you clean and pure again. Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8).

Emotional and physical boundaries
A few years ago, Scott Croft wrote a column for the Boundless.org website, a Focus on the Family webzine for singles. In it, he talked about how God’s word (in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8) “admonishes us not to wrong or ‘defraud’ our brother or sister by implying a marital level of commitment (through sexual involvement) when it does not exist.”

The passage tells us, among other things, to avoid sexual immorality, control your body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust.

Many times women have come to me and said they felt terrible (used, shamed, hurt) when they gave in to the sexual demands of a man who was not their husband.

Whether it was a boyfriend trying to push his limits or just a guy they hooked up with, they were "defrauded," used, and not treated as they deserved to be—with love, respect, and honor. When someone uses you for his or her own selfish pleasure, no matter what the level of physical intimacy, it can be inappropriate both physically and emotionally, according to Croft.

And hurtful.

People can wound you with words or with their actions. That’s why boundaries are vital in dating and relationships—both the physical limits of how far you will or will not go sexually (to guard your body) and emotional limits of what you will or will not accept from others verbally and relationally (to guard your heart).

In their classic book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend describe the protective device like a fence, “Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures (Matthew 7:6) so that people will not steal them.”Your heart is a treasure, and so is your body.

Guarding your heart means you don’t “play house” by acting like you’re married when you are not. Doing so can be very hurtful when you break up because the emotional ties you’ve created now need to be severed. Protect your heart from emotional injuries you were never designed to incur.

What will your boundaries be in your next relationship? How will you enforce them?

Your precious heart's depending on it.

Looking for Love? Having Realistic Expectations

2011-09-07T18:10:00.000-06:00

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection. The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. Make a list and pray about this important choice.

Love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless. Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also says that the wise woman looks for the inner man, not the exterior. “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

It’s also important not to have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.” Huh. I needed to heart that. I needed to know that marriage, like any relationship, has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As challenging as it can be at times, marriage can also be amazing. The bride and the bridegroom are a picture of how Christ loves the Church. It’s a commitment before God and man to love, honor, and cherish this person all the days of your life—for better or worse. Even when he scatters his clothes on the floor or you are sick. Even when your kids are screaming and you haven’t talked to another adult all day. But when you’ve found someone who accepts you even when you have PMS, and he passionately loves you and loves God with all his heart, you know you’ve found a really good thing.

As you think and pray about what you want in a life partner, keep a realistic view of marriage, both the bright side and challenging side.

Friendship or Dating – Discerning the Difference
Another place to open your eyes and have realistic expectations is in knowing where you stand with a guy. “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is or where you stand. It may turn into something real and lasting, or it may not. How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.” He needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.” If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Looking for Love? Become the Right Person

2011-09-06T20:30:00.000-06:00

Becoming a woman of high standards

Often books on relationships emphasize finding the right person to date or marry, but it’s also important to become the right person.

To have the lasting love and intimacy you desire it’s essential to identify unhealthy patterns in your own life, change what you can about yourself, and then come into greater clarity about the qualities you want in another person.

Identify unhealthy patterns. Healthy relationships grow when we know our true identity (who we are in Christ) and respect our individuality and uniqueness. They also flourish when we know and connect with who God is (His character) and how that makes a difference in our life.

We are all made with different habits, personality traits and ways of relating. However, sometimes we do things in a relationship that hurt ourselves or damage the connection and we don’t know why.

Sometimes we know our weak spots and sometimes we are blind-sighted. Beth works at a major university and she’s been a Christian believer for years. Like many women she talks with her friends about men and reads books and articles about them. She thought she had relationships figured out—and then Ty showed up. He was not on the same page spiritually or emotionally, and she knew he wasn’t right for her. Yet little by little he wore her down with his charisma and charming words.

Beth spent time with him knowing it couldn’t go anywhere and every day her heart got more and more invested in the wrong man. She also knew she was spiritually starving because she hadn’t read her Bible (her spiritual food) for months. Hungry for attention, she forgot the wise words in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Her affections of the heart were strong and were leading her down a path that only meant trouble. Although she was strong in her faith, she realized that without the firm planting of God's word as her truth, she was just as vulnerable as the next person.

She knew something had to change and over the next few months she began to remember where her true value came from; it was God’s opinion of her, not a man that really counted. As she filled her heart with God’s promises about her worth and value, and how much God loves her, Beth became stronger and was able to make better decisions about who she would spend time with in the future.

Think about your past dating experiences. What went wrong? Why did it end? It’s helpful to identify any patterns in your dating experiences that may be sabotaging the love you desire. You can start by making a list of things you’ve learned from past relationships—things you’ve done that you don’t want to do again. Here are some examples:

* stayed too long in a dead end relationship
* didn’t stand up for yourself when he hurt you with words or actions
* gave in when he wanted to go farther physically than you wanted to
* stubbornly wanted your own way all the time
* didn’t know what to do when he treated you poorly
* lived in a fantasy world of thinking one day “it will be more” when he only wanted friendship
* pursued him when you should’ve waited for him to pursue you
* rushed from one relationship to next when you weren’t ready love again.

Change your thoughts and actions. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to get to make some changes. What do you want to do differently next time? Maybe you didn’t know you were being treated poorly by a man because that’s what you’ve been used to your entire life. You didn’t know “nice” men existed, or that you were worth being treated well. Maybe you’re the kind of person who breaks up because you don’t want the other person to leave you first. Or you repeatedly pick Mr. Wrong, and don’t know why.

You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns of the past. Ask yourself why you’ve made unwise relationship choices? If you don’t know, then pray and ask God to reveal to you any habits or patterns that have been holding you back.

Change doesn’t have to be scary. You can start by picking one area at a time and doing something, because small steps lead to big changes. By altering what you do, your actions, it will change how you think and feel. In his book, “Pleasers,” Dr. Kevin Leman affirms that, “When you start changing your behavior, your attitudes, emotions, and feelings will change as well.” He suggests, “Ask yourself, How would the ‘old me’ react in this situation? How is the ‘new’ me going to react?”

Be clear on you really need in a relationship. My friend Heidi once said, “The difference between the wrong man and the right man is like the difference between the darkest night and the brightest day.”

In order to make choices that lead to the love and intimacy you desire, it’s important to know the characteristics you want—and don’t want—in a man. What are your criteria for the things you look? Think about the kind of men you’ve picked in the past? What do you want now? What needs to change? Make a list of things you need in a relationship. For instance, you could list, “I need:

• to have a better idea of what I need in another person
• to learn to assess more quickly if a man is right for me or not
• to be clear with myself and the other person what behaviors I will and will not accept
• someone who is consistent in his words and actions
• to make time for a quality relationship; to feel more connected
• a man who will pursue me, be available, and treat me with respect.”

The five C’s for finding Mr. Right
There are many essential traits to look for in a date, and eventually a life partner. I have five listed here, the five C’s: Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling.

Christian means that he has a committed walk with God, he’s accepted Jesus as his personal Savior and Lord, and he’s on a path of growth and discovery. What else does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is key to any good relationship. It’s talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation, or do you prefer to stay in the shallow end? What is “good communication” to you?

I remember a dreadful date with a man who did not talk to me almost the entire time we were together. Ron was a man from church with whom I’d spoken a few times. We had mutual friends and saw each other at singles events. One Sunday afternoon we drove to Green Bay for a Packers football game and he was completely silent throughout the entire game—including halftime! Even the long, soundless drive home was awful. I told myself that day that I needed a man who would not only talk with me but be a good communicator.

Character refers to his temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises, say what he means and mean what he says? How do your personalities mesh? Do you have temperaments that are complementary?

Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have qualities that appeal to you? Is there that intangible “certain something” that makes you click as a couple? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but don’t let your feelings dictate your choices based only upon someone’s looks. True beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel. Additionally, chemistry is just one of the essential five C’s for a healthy and fulfilling match, one piece of the entire love puzzle.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s vision for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage with this man to be his life partner? You can have all four of the five C’s, but if the “C” of Calling is not there, it will never work.

A few years ago I met someone online and we seemed to be a very good match. We corresponded for months and emailed almost every day. I was excited when he suggested the idea of coming to Colorado over the holidays to meet. I was planning to take him downtown to see the New Year’s Eve ball drop, but what I got instead was a bomb dropped on me in the form of an email two days before he was supposed to fly here from another state. He wasn’t coming. In fact, he said he wasn’t ready for any relationship and he called the whole thing off. Just like that!

A few months later we talked, only once, and he told me he’d taken a job on the other side of the world. Then I came to realize that while Mr. Almost Perfect had four of the five C’s, he did not have the crucial fifth one: calling. God was not calling me to date or marry this man because He had a different life path for each of us.

In retrospect I could see that God was protecting me from hurt down the road since we never met in person. Of course, it still hurt to cut off all connection with someone I’d been bonding with for the past few months. But it became yet another opportunity to trust God for His best for me.

Getting Over a Breakup, Making Better Choices Next Time

2011-09-05T08:48:00.000-06:00

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Psalm 143:8

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make wiser and healthier choices by becoming a woman of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We'll talk about each healthier choice each day this week.

Become a woman of wisdom
Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date—the world’s way or God’s way.

In Western culture, dating is often recreational and include levels of emotional and physical intimacy (like having sex before marriage) that are contrary to Christian beliefs.

While the word “dating” does not appear in the Bible, it does say that a Christ-follower is to marry a believer. 2 Corinthians 4:16 reads, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

God’s word does not have an Intro to Dating 101 section, however we know that He desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. Honoring another person following biblical principles means being more other-centered than self-centered, and intimacy after commitment (the commitment of marriage).

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

We can look at the commands living a holy life and apply them to all our relationships, including dating and marriage. The book of Ephesians lists a few: Be completely humble, be patient, bear with one another (4:2); speak truthfully (4:25); in your anger do not sin (4:26); build up others with your words (4:29); get rid of bitterness (4:31); be kind and compassionate, forgive each other (4:32); and live a life of love (5:2).

Just as natural light dispels the darkness; the light of God’s word reveals truth. Step by step, moment by moment and choice by choice, your heart is illuminated with understanding and “aha!” moments; you finally get it and begin to change how you see yourself, God, and His role in your love life.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up
on the inside. When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature. What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the Savior who is her future and her hope.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursing her. A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” Know it, do it, change your life.

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

What keeps women from making better choices in the men they choose and how they act when they’re with them? Selfishness. Rebellion. Ignorance. Apathy. Many things.

But it’s also important to know that as much as you want to get it right, the evil one wants you to get it wrong. The Christian life is a constant struggle between good and evil, truth and lies. Your enemy wants you to fail. In fact, he is like a thief who only wants to “steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10). He wants to steal your joy, kill your dreams and destroy your relationships. But take heart, Jesus came so that you “may have life, and have it to the full.”(same verse).

The enemy lies to you when you hear that you’re not enough (not pretty enough, thin enough or good enough to find a man). He lies when you feel like you’ll never find someone special, that you’ll be alone forever, that no one really cares, or that you will never change. Not true. Don’t buy into the evil one’s lies. He’s been doing it since the Garden of Eden. He deceived Eve and he will try to deceive you.

When you know the truth and stand you can combat the enemy’s lies and find victory in your love life and your entire life.

Brighter Days Ahead

2011-08-13T08:57:00.000-06:00

I'll tell you how the sun rose
a ribbon at a time.
~Emily Dickinson

Isn’t it good to know that day always follows night? That winter’s icy blasts always give way to the freshness of spring? Joy comes after sorrow. You’ve come a long way on your heart healing journey from breaking up to brighter days ahead.

In the darkness you were releasing—grieving losses, healing emotional pain, and discovering the power of forgiveness as you learned to experience God’s love in deeper ways.

In the dawn you were renewing—learning to wait well, awakening hope and restoring your confidence and self esteem, knowing that you really are worth being loved well.

Now it is day, and you are rebuilding—waking up to the rest of your life, finding purpose and vision, and learning to make healthier choices in relationships next time.

Healing is coming and bit by bit, you’re not so affected by the breakup anymore. Even the shape of your life is changing. The physician-poet Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The mind, once expanded to the dimension s of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.” I believe the same is true of love. The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.

You have changed. And, like re-growth comes after a forest fire, restoration comes after a breakup too. Ruin can be restored. Your past will always be a part of who you are; history happened. But as you walk forward by faith, you discover new companions, like inner strength and unexpected joy. Hope arises. Things start to get better.

Surprisingly, the human heart is quite flexible and resilient; it has the ability to bounce back from difficulties. But you’re really not bouncing “back,” you’re bouncing forward—from darkness to light, deadness to life, brokenness to greater wholeness, fear to courage, and so much more.

God is all about transformation. “I will guide you,” He says Isaiah 42:16, “I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth.”

It’s time to live in the light.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14

After a Breakup: Why Deal With Emotions?

2011-08-09T18:18:00.000-06:00

Dealing with emotions is essential to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. But many people don’t always want to face how they’re feeling. Here are a few reasons why:

You don’t think it matters.

You’re confused by how you’re feeling and don’t know how to handle it.

You know what to do, but you don’t want to go there.

You fear what others will think.

Or, you may feel like you will look weak or stupid, even to yourself.

Yet there is immense value in dealing with your stuff. While your relationship may be over, your life isn’t. It’s time to get some life back into your life!

In fact, identifying, expressing and releasing emotions are essential because the emotion itself isn’t that important. It’s what you do with it that matters. Left untreated or unexpressed, emotional pain can wreak havoc in your love life. You may sabotage a perfectly food relationship because of your own commitment fears. Or, you may withhold affection and trust because others have wounded you deeply.

The good news is you can get rid of emotional pain. In time, night will give way to day, and then a brand new day—your new beginning!

Identifying emotions
Tracy had been walking in a cloud of depression for weeks. Even the daylight felt dim to her. After her breakup with Daniel she felt like she was in a fog of sadness. But what she didn’t know was that hidden beneath her melancholy mood was a boatload of anger.

When she finally talked with a Christian counselor she learned that instead of expressing her anger, Tracy was turning it inward toward herself and it was leading to her depression.

As a child, Tracy had observed other family members getting extremely out of control with their tempers—it was actually rage, but she didn’t know that then. So she decided she would never get angry; she didn’t want to be like them. So she stuffed it all inside and thought she was doing the right thing.

Once she identified the emotion of anger, and learned that there was a range of emotions (like the range from a mere annoyance to anger to full blown rage) Tracy could acknowledge that emotion and learn to express it in healthy ways.

A social worker friend of mine uses tools like pictures or photographs of people that display various emotions to help clients identify and then work through their feelings.

Journaling can also be helpful. As you write about what’s happening in your life because of the breakup, certain themes may emerge. Even if they don’t, you can get closer to acknowledging how you feel and what could be causing you to feel that way by writing in a notebook or journal: “I feel __ when ___ happens.” For example, I feel hurt when he lies to me. I feel deceived because she went out with him behind my back.

2011-07-23T10:46:00.000-06:00

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.
Isaiah 50:10

When life is hard and we don't understand, it's helpful to remember the story of Job--and see what we can learn from his life.

Remember him? They man in the Bible who lost practically everything.

Job had some very dark days. He became overwhelmingly sad and began to give up entirely. Hope had faded. He complained about his circumstances and thought that he would never be happy again. It simply made no sense to Job why his entire life had crumbled around him.

Perhaps your breakup wasn’t as bad as Job’s horrible life. But whether your were simply disappointed or downright devastated you may also be wrestling with your own ideas about God’s character.

You may not be able to perceive what God is doing in your life right now, but perhaps, like Job, your question of “why?” will turn to “Who?” as you draw nearer to the One who has the answers. As you come to know God more and trust Him, you realize the one who takes care of the vast universe and all that is in it, also has His hands—and heart—on you.

In the darkest time of Job’s life he learned to see with new eyes as he experienced God, beholding him and coming to a place of radical life transformation.

“So often our primary ambition is to escape pain or feel good or be delivered from a problem when instead we need to keep our focus on the big picture of what God is doing in our life and the lives of others through pain or problems,” said Anne Graham Lotz in Why? “Our principle aim,” she continues, “should be to glorify God, not to be honored or to be healthy or to be happy.”

Of course, being happy or healthy is not a bad thing; it’s just not a first thing. Often we do not understand what God is up to because, well, He is God. And we are not.

There will always be an element of mystery in why God does what He does; we will never have all the answers this side of heaven. But we can rest assured that the One who loves us most, will reveal all that we need to know when we need to know it. And that is enough.

Many times, during or after a goodbye with a guy, I’ve grappled with my own “why?’ questions. We could have been really good together God, why didn’t this work out? And over time and many tears later, I’ve come to a place where I could say to God, “I do not understand, but I will trust You.”
When all else is gone, God remains.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Calm Your Heart; Return to Joy

2011-07-11T07:33:00.000-06:00

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:11

Life is messy. We get hurt--or we hurt others. Breakups happen, people disappoint us. Or annoy us. Things don't go as planned. Why, it seems, is there never enough time to do what we need to get done.

But there is hope. The mess of the rain and mud in springtime lead into the beauty and bounty of summer. Fresh, green leaves. Pungent lilacs. Blooming fruit trees and gardens. All that mess led to something better.

This too shall pass. Your day will come. I believe it. Will you!

May God give you HOPE today, perhaps more hope than you've had in a long time--that one day things will change. That they will get better.

May the hard times you're facing lead to infinitely better days ahead!

When Love Ends: Dealing with a Dating Breakup or Divorce

2011-07-06T11:07:00.002-06:00

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult.

That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection. Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end. This book begins with an ending, the “heart sunset” of your fading relationship, and it ends with a fresh start in the land of new beginnings.

When Love Ends is an integral part of your healing journey. In this four-part book, you’ll follow the cycle of a day, from darkness to light, as an analogy that parallels the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

As the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon, hope awakens and the light of Dawn (the truth about who God is and who you really are) illuminates your thinking. You begin to see God’s character and learn how he redeems losses and restores brokenness. As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams. With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

If you’ve just broken up from a dating relationship, or are still in the process, When Love Ends is an excellent resource. It provides encouragement and hope along with biblical insight and practical help to get you out of the darkness and back into the light of a brighter future.

Your new day will come. Believe it!

happy thoughts for a summer day

2011-06-18T09:37:00.000-06:00

It's Saturday and it's summer. Okay, almost summer. In three more days the we'll flip the calendar and it will be official. But today it's warm and sunny.

Don't you wish it was summer-like in your heart every day? Instead of clouds, perfectly blue sky. No pain, no tears. Instead of fog, always clear. You always knew just what direction to take and exactly what to do!

If only.

But even though the weather changes--outdoors and in our hearts--we can still CHOOSE joy. We can still take steps toward feeling better and living better even when life is hard.

There will always be disappointments and trials in life...confusing days and broken times. Love can hurt and life is messy. We can cry and be sad. There is a place for that. But then, after grieving, we can press on--trusting God--and choose what we will do next.

As for me, I want to choose joy...be kind...lend a helping hand...listen to others...be heard...celebrate!...be at peace.

Today I will trust God. And make better choices.

How to Deal with Anger – Especially After a Breakup

2011-06-05T18:10:00.000-06:00

Samantha was mad. As she drove home after a long talk with Jesse, her boyfriend of three years, she replayed over and over in her mind what he’d said only moments before.

It had been a relaxing Saturday afternoon and the couple was hanging out at Jesse’s house. Samantha casually asked him if he could ever see them marrying each other. Jesse paused, looked up at her and said, “I don’t know. I feel like I don’t really know you.”

He doesn’t know me—after three years?

Samantha was shocked, hurt, and angry. Yet despite her feelings she calmly tried to talk with Jesse about it, but he didn’t want to engage in conversation so Samantha left. But then, Samantha was always the one who wanted to connect and Jesse didn’t.

She couldn’t count the number of times he’d shut down and say nothing when the topic got too deep for him. He didn’t want to share his feelings and, it appeared, he didn’t want to share his life with her either. Samantha and Jesse broke up shortly after that revealing conversation.

She had good reason to be angry. She wanted more conversationally and emotionally from Jesse and he wasn’t willing to give it to her. Added to that was the fact that they’d been together for three years. Samantha had invested her heart with this man and got a zero percent return.

We all get angry once in a while and that’s normal. But when we ignore it, hide it, or express anger in out of control ways to destructive extremes then it’s a problem.

Someone once told me that feelings are “indicators,” but God’s truth leads. You may feel angry, but don’t give in to rage, hostility, violence, cruelty, or physical or verbal abuse. Ephesians 4:26, 27 reads, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Jesus Christ displayed a range of emotions during his thirty-three years on Earth. He was passionate about justice, even if it meant a display of righteous anger when he overturned the tables of the money changers when they turned the temple area, a sacred place, into a selling floor for animals. (John 2:13-17)

Here are some practical things you can do to manage your anger wisely:

For instance, you can write an anger letter expressing to God about what happened during your breakup and/or since then, and how you feel about it. It can even include things that happened during the time you dated, if needed. Pour out your heart—what you’re mad about and why.

Or, you could write a different kind of anger letter. This exercise helps you to get the release you need, but you never ever mail the letter. Picture the person who broke up with you sitting across the table from you as you write. If you could say anything you wanted to him or her right now, what would you say? If you could say anything to them in a Christ-like way, what would you say? It’s up to you how much to include.

The purpose of the letter it to get the emotion out of you and release it. No one else will ever see what you write and you can feel safe to express yourself, vent, and be free of the tangled emotions inside of you. When you’re done, you can choose to burn or shred it if you’d like, but never (never!) mail it.

Write an anger action plan. In the midst of a heated conversation, sometimes you may need to leave so you (or the other person) can cool off and address your issues later. When you need to think through why you’re irritated, this can be helpful. Make a list of what happened, if you need to respond (you may not), how it makes you feel, and some potential ways you can respond. Then, after you’ve reviewed your options you can choose what to do. It will be helpful to pray before you begin. For example:

• What happened? Tony constantly cuts me off before I can finish a sentence.

• Do I need to respond? Yes, I feel like I need to stand up for myself.

• How does this make me feel? I feel angry when Tony doesn’t let me finish what I’m saying. I feel like what he has to say is more important than what I want to say. I feel diminished and unimportant.

• Options to responding: When Tony cuts in when I’m talking, I could say, “Could I please finish my sentence?” or “I wasn’t done yet.” Or, I could spend less time with Tony. Or. . .?

There are other ways to manage your anger too. Some people find it helpful to get punch pillows, talk to a trusted friend, pull out the Bible and read, journal their thoughts, go workout, or get outside for a long walk or bike ride. A good hearty laugh or getting some humor into your life can advance your heart toward joy again.

Find activities that relieve stress for you. And one day, things will be better. If you let them.

The 10 Best Decisions a Single Can Make: Embracing All God Has for You

2011-05-24T05:46:00.000-06:00

Bill and Pam Farrel, the authors who brought us Men Are Like Waffles—Women Are Like Spaghetti released a new book for singles this year, The 10 Best Decisions a Single Can Make: Embracing All God Has for You (Harvest House Publishers).

Instead of a “life on hold” this married couple offers 10 ways to wake up to the significance of your life and improve your relationships. Here are the chapters:

1) Decide to Be Decisive
2) Decide to Walk with Jesus
3) Decide to Celebrate
4) Decide to Live in Peace
5) Decide to Wait
6) Decide to Define Relationships
7) Decide to Live the Good Life
8) Decide to Be an Influencer
9) Decide to Be a Communicator
10) Decide to Be a Competitor

Check it out!

Peace and rest when you're tired and stressed

2011-05-22T22:53:00.001-06:00

When you're tired or stressed, take time for peace and rest. Seriously.

Whether it's physical tiredness or an emotional marathon that's depleted you. Value rest. Take it. And feel the replenishing power of a well-rested body and soul come back to life again.

Rest isn't just laying on the couch or a comfy hammock, although it can be. Rest is ceasing from work...laying aside for a time that which you MUST, and in it's place choosing what you need.

What does rest to you? How do you get replenished?

Confidence Restored by Truth

2011-05-17T21:51:00.000-06:00

One thing that causes lack of confidence after a breakup is a distorted perception of yourself. Sometimes, how you see yourself is fuzzy and imprecise, and often untrue.

You may think you are not enough, or you don't measure up. But maybe you need a new set of lenses from which to view your circumstances.

When I was in eighth grade I got my first pair of eyeglasses. I remember the first time I looked out the window and noticed how clearly I could distinguish each individual leaf on the trees. With the clarity the glasses provided, blurry green blobs on a stick transformed into majestic maple and oak trees.

Who'd have known?

Sometimes we don’t see ourselves clearly either. The lenses through which we’ve been viewing our lives have been distorted by the constant criticism of a parent, the degrading comments from a co-worker or by the downright mean way someone has treated you.

Jud Wilhite said, “Distorted images are not only shaping your perspective but are also hindering your possibilities.”

In Eyes Wide Open, he explains, “If you see yourself as insignificant long enough, you’ll start to act accordingly. If you see yourself as ugly or worthless, it will affect how you relate to your family and friends, your God and your world. Rather than grow and change as you could, you’ll be tempted to give in or give up or stay in a holding pattern of self-destructive behavior. Rather than make your own unique contribution in the world, you may pull back and settle for mediocrity. But this is not the real you.”

We need God’s better-than-20/20-vision to gain a clearer vision of who we really are, to come out of hiding, to be courageous, and to see ourselves as He sees us. “The real you emerges as you see differently, biblically. You see yourself in light of who God says you are in His written Word,” said Wilhite.

Plant seeds of truth and as they grow, you will be better able to take hold of your true identity—what God says about who you are.

Rooted in God’s love, you can stand firm when you feel like your self worth is being washed away by the strong winds of someone else’s unkindness or how your hair turned out that day.

When your roots go deep into the source of life, the water of God’s word you stay fresh and growing. “He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” (Psalm 1:3)

Walk away from the mirror, and what other people say. It’s time to find your true worth and value in the truth.

Mother’s Day and the Single Woman

2011-05-08T17:24:00.002-06:00

So today is Mother’s Day. I have never been married, but how would the man in the Info Booth at church know that when he smiled and said, “Happy Mother’s Day” to me as I walked by.

Really? You think I’m a mother.

I suppose he was just being friendly, but it gave me pause to think. While my friends have been getting married and having babies, I’ve been “birthing” books. I’ve never known the joy of holding a newborn infant of my own in my arms, but I have known the thrill of opening the box of books from my publisher when my first book came out in 2007.

Power Prayers for Women (Barbour Publishing) is my firstborn. She’s grown and out of the house now. Oh, she’s doing great! In fact, more than 200,000 readers worldwide are finding help, hope and healing through the power of prayers.

My second was delivered in 2010, a helpful book on getting over a relationship breakup called, When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty (Moody Publishers). She’s in that transition time of moving from infant to toddler. I pray for her as she grows. She has so much potential to transform lives!

And, I’m due October 1 with my third. Yep, it’s another book on prayer but this time on hope for hard times. Everyone has challenges and difficulties in life, and there are stories to tell, and prayers to be written. Pray that all goes well in the gestation and delivery.

I think of the hope and hardships of my close friends who’ve delivered babies, and known the sorrow of babies that never came to full term. My friend Nicole had a pre-mature baby last fall, born at 1 lb, 2 oz. So tiny! And today she is nearing 10 lbs. She is still on oxygen but we’re hopeful that will soon cease. The other baby, a twin, did not make it. She was named, buried and remembered.

Being a mother is not without heartache.

My friend Laura, now a mother of eight-year-old twins suffered the loss of her baby in the womb at eight months, almost to delivery.

Tammy was told she had a very slim chance of ever getting pregnant and today she has the cutest three-year old ever (I can say that since she in my godchild) Now she is pregnant again—and adopting internationally.

Everyone has a story…yours may or may not include motherhood with actual children. Maybe you are a “mother” in other ways. Maybe you have other callings.

Either way, God sees. He knows. And He cares about your place in life.

You still belong.

And you are still well loved.

On that, you can rely.

After a Breakup: Restoring Confidence and Self Esteem

2011-05-03T19:50:00.000-06:00

Some people don’t know how to get into a relationship, while others don’t know how to get out of one-—how to detach and move forward.

In relationships, learning to bond and to separate are essential skills. As you get to know another person you share more about yourself and you develop deeper levels of closeness. You connect.

Henry Cloud says that bonding is one of our most basic and foundational needs. He affirms that we are relational at our very core and God created us with a hunger for connection and relationships.

“Bonding is the ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person,” says Cloud. “It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest level.” When we feel more connected to others, whether it’s a romantic or other kind of relationship, we are happier and healthier.

The other side of the coin is learning how to separate and keep your sense of self intact in the process, whether you are in a relationship or not. “Separateness is an important aspect of our human identity,” says Henry Cloud. “We are to be connected to others without losing our own identity and individuality…to master the art of ‘being me without losing you.’”

When you retain your sense of self and the man keeps his identity intact, you will be a better couple. In essence, when each person’s sense of “me” is solid, there is a better “we.”

For instance, think of two circles side by side—one is yellow (representing you) and the other is blue (representing the man). When a couple first meets, the circles touch on the outer limit; their lives have not yet intersected. Then as they get to know each other, the overlapping part that represents them as a couple becomes increasingly green (because yellow and blue make green).

If they marry and become one, the two circles mesh to form one circle that is entirely green. The point is, each person must retain his or her sense of self in order for a healthy couple to exist; he must keep his blue-ness she must retain her yellow-ness otherwise green won’t happen.

Don’t let your pain or your past define you. It is a part of who you are, but it’s not the entirety of what makes you the unique individual you are. Who you once were, or who you are now can be transformed as your identity comes from your security in Christ.

When your identity is rooted in the soil of God’s truth, your confidence grows.

So when you run into the guy who dumped you, or the girl he is with now, it won’t shatter your self esteem. Sure, it may shake you up a bit at first, but you bend; you don’t break.

As you learn to accept your strengths and your weaknesses, you build confidence that you are worth being loved well.

Fresh Hope Delivered Daily

2011-04-30T13:12:00.000-06:00

I love the word, “hope.” It’s so full of joy—as in longings fulfilled and good things.

But having hope—no matter what your circumstances—takes courage. And it takes faith.

It begins with a single step, from where you are right now to and exciting new path. Whether you begin hesitantly or with a let’s-have-an-adventure excitement, the important thing is that you begin—and keep choosing hope.

Seek the Lord and listen for his guidance. And He will lead you. By taking one step, and then another and another, you leave the old place of brokenness and rubble, fraught with complication and unanswered questions.

Even when the future is unclear and it feels like a primordial haze hangs over your heart, walk on. Because like the early morning low cloudiness in San Francisco, eventually the fog will lift and clarity will come. Your blue sky days of joy will return.

Be assured, though, that walking with hope is not like being in a Disney cartoon where bluebirds carrying colorful ribbons lead the way and happy chipmunks wave as you skip down the lane and daisies bloom instantly at your feet.

Not so much.

As you walk down Hope Road, you may have obstacles or roadblocks ahead. You may not be able to see the way ahead or you may feel lost. But keep on walking, and in time things will begin to change.

True hope believes that God will give good things. “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.” (Psalm 84:11, emphasis mine)

Every morning the sun rises; every day the Lord delivers fresh hope. Despite life’s discouragement and difficulties, you can look back at all God has done in the past in other areas of your life—how He’s kept His promises and has been faithful to keep his word—and you can look forward with hope for good things to come in the future.

Hope is confident expectation that you will receive what you hope for, that a desire will come to pass. Like if you planted dahlia seeds in your garden, you would hope that brightly colored flowers would one spring up. As you covered the seeds with dark brown soil, you’d be confident that, in time, there’d be growth even though you do not yet see results.

Romans 8:24, 25 says, “Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”

You may have just lost your job, or relationship, or spouse. You may only have a few dollars to your name, or have an illness you just can’t seem to beat. Maybe your kids are making unwise choices, or you have a huge decision to make and you don’t know what to do. Whatever you’re going through…

Hope on…and see the goodness of the Lord. It just may surprise you.

Love, Life and the Larger Story

2011-04-25T22:41:00.000-06:00

If your life were a story in a book or movie, what would it be? A comedy? Drama? Mystery?

Eugene Peterson once said, "We live in a narrative, we live in story...We have a beginning and an end. We have a plot, we have characters."

In his classic work, The Sacred Romance, John Eldredge talks about God as the Hero in the Larger Story of life:

"It is only when we see God as the Hero of the larger story that we come to know that his heart is good."

Do you believe God is GOOD? That He is pursuing you, that He loves you more than you will ever know?

Your story, your life has a purpose. Whether it's been a "good read" or something you'd like to edit and change, it's been--up until now--the story you've had. Your past.

But that doesn't mean the future can't be different.

There is more to this life, and more to your story. It's just not been written yet. Life is a path that unfolds before you. We take right and left turns. Often we hesitate and do nothing. But, with a phone call or an "aha moment" or one single choice...

Life changes.

As you put your hope in God--the Author and the Hero in the story of your life--ask Him to lead, guide, and unfold his BEST for you. Trust that all things really do work together for the good--whether or not you can see the end result from here.

At times, it may feel like "The End"; it's over. It's too late. But maybe it's merely a new chapter in life...or a new volume. A new beginning.

Perhaps it's time for some changes, good and worthy and right. You never know what is just around the corner.

The best is yet to come--in your story and mine.

Freedom from Fear and Finding Peace After a Breakup

2011-04-16T06:24:00.000-06:00

The end of a relationship can put a lot of ideas into a your head. What if I’m making a mistake? What if no one ever loves me again? What if I’m too old, too fat, too thin, too boring, or too whatever? What if I never get married and have kids?

What if. . .?

Rejection and the resulting fear can often be crippling. It can hold you back from moving forward and taking risks in the future.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

While some fears are founded, others are irrational and will never come to pass. And it’s important to know the difference.

You may have heard the saying “feel the fear and do it anyway.” Sometimes we need to push past how we feel in order to do the right thing, or get where we need to be in life.

When Jesus walked the earth, one of the disciples named Peter did a very courageous thing when he decided to trust God and defy gravity by walking on water. In John 14:22-33 you can read the account of Peter and other disciples who were in a boat some distance from the shore when they saw Jesus walking on the lake. They thought it was a ghost and they were terrified.

It wasn’t a ghost. It was the One who loved them most.

Jesus told them not to be afraid, and Peter replied to Jesus saying, "Tell me to come to you on the water." Pretty daring, I’d say.

And Jesus said, "Come."

Interestingly, Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he looked around he saw the wind, he became afraid, and began to sink into the lake.

Scary.

But as Peter he began to descend into the dark waters he cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand to Peter and lifted him up. Whew! A good lesson for us too: Eyes on Jesus we stand strong, eyes on the storm—we sink!

The Lord wants you to be free from fear, worry, and obsessive reasoning. He wants you to trust Him. When you do the rewards are great. Instead of fear, doubt, and panic, there is freedom, peace, joy.

Be at peace. The One who loves you most will take care of you.

Here are some Bible verses to reflect on –words of life and peace—to help you conquer your fears:

The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:11

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3

For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

What to Look for in a Date or Mate

2011-04-12T06:22:00.000-06:00

How do you know what to look for in someone to date or marry? What makes a relationship strong and lasting?

Check out today's post on the new Moody Publishing website, Start Marriage Right and you can be entered to win a movie/popcorn gift package.

Simply leave a reply and comment on the article at the link below TODAY, April 12:

http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/04/5-essential-traits-for-a-strong-and-lasting-marriage/

Deciding whom you will marry is one of the most important decisions of your life. Choose wisely.

When Life is Hard: Overcoming Obstacles to Hope

2011-04-05T19:31:00.001-06:00

Sometimes life can feel like a never-ending path of roadblocks. You can’t seem to get what you want or go where you need to go. Things seem thwarted. And you’re oh so tired of waiting…always waiting for something good to happen.

Don’t give up. And don’t let anyone steal your Hope! Because just like the pretty purple crocus' pop their head through the ground after a cold, hard winter, your life can bloom with new beauty and joy.

Yep, your life!

When nothing seems to be happening…
when you are tired of trying to make things work out on your own…
when you cannot see the way, hold on to hope.

The cadence of Christ is often unlike your own pace, but God is still at work in your life. “Hope has its own rhythm,” said Larry Crabb in Shattered Dreams, “We cannot rush it. The water of life will find its way down the mountain to fill the lake from which we can drink.”

If hope is asleep in your life, how does it awaken?

Hope awakens because God arises. Despite the difficulties, you have the strength to wake up and walk on because God arises first. He lifts you up; He helps you to soar above your adversity. Psalm 68:1 says, “May God arise, may his enemies be scattered; may his foes flee before him.”

At first you may think, “I don’t have any enemies.” And then it dawns on you that you do have opponents on the road to hope and healing.

In addition to the evil one, our main adversary, difficulties like worry, fear, doubt, rejection, obsession, anxiety are “enemies” as well. They can come at you with the force of an opposing army. But that's not the end of the story.

Hope awakens from unconditional love. The total and absolute love of God and the love of supportive family and friends can change us from the inside out. On this path of heart healing know that you are loved, cared for. You are never alone.

Hope awakens from God’s Word. “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4). What a blessing to have words of hope in our own language, words that will heal your pain-weary heart.

Hope awakens to God’s sovereignty. Perhaps one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that God directs and redirects. He is sovereign, He is in control. Even when it SEEMS chaos reigns.

Every morning the sun rises; every day the Lord delivers fresh hope. Despite the discouragement and difficulties, you can look back at all God has done in the past in other areas of your life—how He’s kept His promises and has been faithful to keep his word—and you can look forward with hope for good things to come in the future.

“Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23

Fresh hope delivered daily. Count on it!

Courage When You Need it Most

2011-03-31T09:00:00.000-06:00

Courage

Have courage,
Have faith!
For God has a plan.
Don’t the sun, moon and stars
Heed the Master’s command?

His plan’s not to harm you,
But help you succeed,
To guide you and heal you
And give what you need.

Don’t worry, don’t doubt.
Just simply believe,
By the power of the Spirit
Who wants you to live.

Remember the good things
He’s done in the past,
For you and for others;
Let go of your grasp --
That things should turn out
The way you think they’ll be.
For His plans are much greater,
Though now you can’t see.

Yes, walking by faith
Is hard for the blind.
But He’ll lead you to good things
And in time you will find
That the King of the heavens
And Lord of the earth
Will give you the best things
When you put Him first.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Light in the Darkness: Finding Hope After a Relationship Breakup

2011-03-30T07:47:00.005-06:00

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Micah 7:8

Breakups are hard. Whether you’re trying to get over someone who left or you’re the one leaving, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Whether you dated briefly or for a long time, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Every story has a beginning and an end, and often the healing process is like the cycle of a day.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun and the relationship are both disappearing, and you learn that, sadly, loss and brokenness are a part of life. Yet how you deal with endings, how you handle the emotional fallout of your breakup, in healthy or unhealthy ways, will determine the quality of your future love relationships—and your life.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and the hope of being with this person forever. You seem to have misplaced your worth and value, and your self esteem (and maybe some self respect) are hiding. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love, to guide the way to the daylight of joy and new beginnings.

Dawn reveals the truth as God illuminates your thinking, just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon. Hope awakens with the light.

You begin to see God’s character and learn how he redeems losses and restores brokenness. As you discover your true identity as a dearly loved child of God, you gain greater confidence and learn to make wiser choices in love.

Finally Day breaks and you find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. As the sun’s rays shine into the dark corners of your life, you reawaken to important things you’ve forgotten or put aside, like: gratitude, serving others, building friendships and community, and maybe even living your dreams.

With renewed vision, you are no longer hiding in the shadows of yesterday. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

Bottom line: When you deal with emotional wounds and let God heal them, you can be better equipped to find the healthy and lasting love you truly desire.

However, instead of dealing with the emotional rubble from a broken heart, a lot of us turn to our favorite comfort foods—like ice cream, potato chips, chocolate, creamy mashed potatoes, or fresh, hot bread lathered in butter—to try and fill the emptiness and soothe the sorrow. Others loose their appetite completely.

In the long run, comfort food in moderation isn’t going to hurt you, but it’s not going to heal your broken heart. It may seem to satisfy you for a time, but the void remains—the heart holes of loss, loneliness, rejection or regret. What are you going to do to get past the pain when the pint or plate of food is empty?

Do you need comfort and support to cope with your disappointment? Do you want to get unstuck and move forward with your life? If so, “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” (Moody Publishing) can help you to get through the pain and find life—and joy—again.

The hopeful truth is God heals brokenness; He redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness.

Indeed, The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

You don’t have to be afraid of the dark, for you are not alone. Not ever. Even in the diffused light of dusk, when you can hardly see the way, God’s lantern of truth and His presence remain constant. He will be with you through the night and lead you to hope, healing and brighter days ahead.

You just have to follow the Light.

Freedom and Peace on the Road of Life

2011-03-28T08:51:00.003-06:00

No matter what you are going through--or have just come through--there is hope. Hope that one day things will be better. More joy, less pain. More freedom and peace.

There is a new road: Following God's path instead of going the way of what we think will satisfy. It may be unfamiliar at first, maybe a bit different than what you're used to, but ultimately...satisfying...good...very good.

Be encouraged, the journey of life takes many twists and turns, but if you're following the One who loves you most, all will be well in the end.

A New Road to Follow

Come forth from the darkness and into the sun.
My child, do you know that a new day has dawned?
The chains that have held you are loose; you are free!
Go forth on a new path. Get up; follow Me.

For I’ll show you a new way, a new road to trod.
It’s long and it’s winding and, at first, may seem odd.
But I will be with you. Child, come take my hand.
Get ready to enter the new Promised Land.

I know you have been in your Egypt too long.
In bondage, oppression and not very strong.
Throw off your sadness, your fear and distress.
It’s time to be different, it’s time to be blessed.

To know the truth and to be set free,
To learn and become all that you’re meant to be.
To walk in a new way – in freedom and might.
To walk daily by faith and not by sight.

The desert will bloom once again and rejoice!
But remember, my child, that you have a choice:
To live by My words; to trust and obey.
In step with the Spirit, I’ll show you the way.

With power and purpose your life will be strong,
For the joy of the Lord will be your new song.
Come forth from the darkness and into the sun.
My child, it is true – a new day has dawned!

-- --Jackie M. Johnson

Are We Dating or Just Friends? Discerning the Difference

2011-03-25T07:25:00.004-06:00

Have you ever wondered, “Where do I stand?” Are we dating or just friends? I call it “The Unknown Zone,” the peculiar place between friendship and dating where you don’t really know what your relationship is—it hasn’t been defined.

Not really. It may turn into something real and lasting, or it may not. How can you know when he doesn’t communicate or his signals are mixed?

Michelle McKinney Hammond gets to the heart of the matter in The Unspoken Rules of Love. “If he does not ask you to have an exclusive relationship with him, assume that you are not in one.”

The guy needs to be initiating and pursuing you. If not, she continues, “Consider and enjoy your other options. Do not behave as if you are in a committed relationship when you are not. Doing so will only entangle your heart and set you up for disappointment and heartbreak. If he doesn’t tell you he wants to be in a committed relationship, consider yourself officially ‘just a friend.’”

Entangled. Yikes. That’s a hard place to be—not really in a real relationship and full of uncertainty.

A pastor I know once said, “The proof of desire is in the pursuit.” If a man wants to get to know you, you will know his intentions. You won’t have to guess. Don’t give him excuses like maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s shy, maybe he’s had a family crisis, or maybe (fill in the blank).

Bottom line: For whatever reason (you don’t even have to know what it is) if he is not pursuing you, then you need to let it go. March forward with your life and trust God for the right man for you.

Sure, it may be hard to let go. But when you do, you free yourself up for the Real Thing. Don’t settle for something, don’t even settle for “sorta good” when God want the very BEST for you.

And when the right one for you comes along, you’ll know—-because he will show you and tell you.

Dating Again: The Adventure of New Beginnings

2011-03-20T16:31:00.006-06:00

"A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for.”

Ships are designed to go somewhere; they are for adventures, not dry dock.

Certainly, ships may need to be pulled out of the water for needed repairs at times. But the vessel doesn’t stay in the quiet harbor forever. It was designed for much greater purposes. In stormy weather or smooth seas, it sails on.

Yet people who’ve had their heart broken often want to stay in the safety of the harbor of isolation or not pursuing new relationships. They don’t want to set sail in the high seas of love again. It’s too scary. I might get hurt. I don’t want to start all over again.

Yeah, I’ve heard all the excuses. I’ve even made a few myself.

Sure, beginning again can be challenging. You’ve been hurt and you don’t want to risk having your heart broken again. You’ve gotten used to the still waters of the harbor; it’s quiet, comfortable and safe.

But it’s existing, not living.

And it takes a leap of faith to put the boat out to sea again. Here’s a good way to look at it: “The leap of faith always means loving without expecting to be loved in return, giving without wanting to receive, inviting without hoping to be invited, holding without asking to be held,” said Henri Nouwen in The Return of the Prodigal Son.

Instead of a blind leap, you take an informed leap of faith when you know who is steering the ship of your life. If God is your Captain, then trust is built and fear subsides because you know that He is entirely reliable, dependable and true. And He is yours.

As you learn to trust again, and take purposeful and prayerful risks, things will change. And maybe this time, it will be different. Journey on. With your competent and seasoned Captain, who knows what adventures await?

Reconnecting with Vision and Purpose for Your Life

2011-03-18T20:25:00.005-06:00

God has uniquely crafted you to fulfill His good purposes. In addition to serving others, we were made to enjoy God and find and fulfill our callings in work, ministry, and life.

But sometimes we can be weighed down with the heavy rocks of grief, anger or unresolved conflict. We may be carrying a grudge, feelings of inferiority, or a self-centered versus and other-centered orientation. Whatever the rocks are that you carry, they may be holding you back from moving forward.

Maybe you think you’re not good at anything. You may think you don't have any special talents-—at least ones that have not yet been recognized. When you think you can’t, when you think that you have nothing to offer, remember what someone told me recently, “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.”

When God calls you to do something, you can either hang up and ignore it, or you can listen, step out in faith, and allow Him to furnish the resources you’ll need to get the job done.

You were created by God and for Him. (Colossians 2:16). He crafted you with your unique intellect, creativity, and personality to use your talents and develop your gifts. “Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.” (Romans 12:4-8).

I’ve heard that baseball players mentally prepare themselves for a game by picturing in their mind the steps they will take during the game to win it. They see themselves winning it. What do you envision for the next stage of your life? For years down the road? Why not picture yourself joyful. Envision laughing with friends, enjoying family, and doing what you love best.

What is your passion? What do you dream of doing in life, work or ministry? Take some time to find out what your spiritual gifts are so you can use them. Consider getting a life coach to help you sort out your choices. “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17)

God is calling you to something new in this next season of your life, what will your answer be?

Top 5 Lessons from “The Bachelor”

2011-03-16T18:22:00.004-06:00

Well, this season of “The Bachelor” on ABC is over, but the emotions can linger for days. Whether you wanted Emily Maynard (the Southern blonde) or Chantal O’Brien (the Seattle brunette) to win, there was a lot of drama in the season finale this week.

Every time I watch this show I notice something about human nature. Many times, I want to walk right up to the women who are rejected and say, “Sure you feel lousy right now. Rejection hurts. But it’s what you DO with your emotions that will make the difference.”

I want to tell them a whole lot more, mind you, but instead I will share my observations with you. Here are five life lessons we can apply to our own lives gleaned from the women who put theirs on national television.

1)Handling rejection. Most of the rejected women riding away from the mansion in the limo often say, “What is wrong with me?” When the real question is: What are you telling yourself about this situation? Whether it was love or like, or just a crush, when the guy rejects you it’s not always about you. He is just trying to find the person who’s the “best fit” for him. Just as you should be looking for the best fit for your needs, personality, lifestyle and more. You can sob and tell yourself, “No one wants to be with me.” or you can say, “Wow, that hurt. But some day someone will appreciate all that I have to offer. I am worth being loved well!”

Say it with me, “I am worth being loved well.”

2)Deception. Okay, if you have watched this show or the companion show, “The Bachelorette” for any length of time you know that a modicum of deception is part of the show. When Chantal said, “How could I be so deceived?” I feel for her. She was in love with Brad Wommack. But, she didn’t know how he felt about the other person left at the end of the show. That’s because, on some level, Brad had to keep showing both women affection and attention when he knew in his heart he was gaga in love with Emily.

It’s a TV show, and Mike Fleiss (the producer) has to make “good television.” That means drama. And that means the bachelor has to play the game until the very end, even if it means hurting someone like lovely Chantal.

To his credit, Brad doesn’t seem to want to hurt anyone, but it’s part of the show. You have to play the game. And he did.

3)Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. At the “After the Final Rose” show Chantal asked Brad, “When did you know you wanted to be with her?” (meaning Emily, the woman he proposed to). He paused. Yep, he liked (or loved) Emily for a bajillion episodes, and Chantal had no idea. Notice how he didn’t really answer her. Enough said.

4)Always carry a purse. Did you ever notice how these women on “The Bachelor” never carry a purse! Perfect hair, makeup, and stunning dress, but no place to put the Kleenex you will need later on. Most women I know ALWAYS carry a purse, unless they are being wheeled into major surgery.

5)Know that there are different kinds of love and love does not always lead to marriage. Our American culture has only one word for love, while the Greeks had quite a few. Like PHILEO, which means “friendship love.” Can you say, Ashley H. She was fun and playful and it seemed like she was more of a good, close friend to Brad. How about AGAPE, that’s deep love but not marriage love. Enter Chantal. Brad loved her, but he had EROS love, “romantic love” with Emily.

Even though love does not always lead to marriage, it’s worth loving others. Don’t close your heart even when you’ve been hurt. Because one day, maybe soon, the right one for YOU will pursue you, will want you….and if you keep your heart open, and be ready, it might just be something great.

Chantal said, “Everything happens for a reason.” I couldn’t’ agree more. Have faith. Believe.

And watch what happens!

Feeling Blue? Cheer Yourself up By Serving Others

2011-03-13T15:49:00.003-06:00

I think it was Mark Twain who said, “The best way to cheer your self up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

Barbara found that to be true after a relationship ended in her life. She discovered that serving others took the focus off herself and her own problems while also building God’s kingdom. She said, “It felt right, and it gave me purpose.”

Despite her circumstances Barbara found that when she was blessing others with acts of service and kindness, God blessed her with joy. Instead of waiting for another man to come around, she could “wait on” or serve others. “Like a waitress who serves other people, I can wait on God while waiting on God.” she concluded.

The Bible says that whatever we do for others, we essentially do for Jesus Christ. (Matt. 25:40) I have to remember that my life is not just about me. It’s more than that. God created us for Himself and part of that is serving other people.

The reason we serve, though, is not because good works will save our souls. No, God gave us grace for that. It’s not to earn points for favor with God. We serve others because God asks us to, and because He has done so much for us. It is out of a heart of delight, not just duty that we choose to serve others.

So we go on mission trips, not just to tell, but to demonstrate love to a ten-year-old boy in the Czech Republic who has never heard of God’s love. We show up on Saturday mornings at the rescue mission to serve food to those who don’t have enough eat. Or even, like my friend Anne, offer to drive our non-churched friends to church so they can hear the truth and be forever changed.

“If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” (Isaiah 58:10)

Think of the Christian life as a two-sided sponge—the spongy side absorbs the water and the rough, green side scrubs. Likewise, we absorb God’s truth (through reading the Bible, hearing a speaker, or reading a book, for example) and then we go out and serve. First the Word, then the work.

You may be surprised at the divine appointments God puts in your path as you open your eyes to the needs around you. It doesn’t even have to be an organized service project. Serving can include something as simple as being kind to the woman behind the counter at the dry cleaners. When you take the time to say “hello” and smile, even when you think you are in too much of a hurry, it can make a difference in one person’s day.

Dwight L. Moody once said "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And that which I can do, by the grace of God, I will do."

What are you willing to do to serve God by serving others today? Joy is just around the corner…I can see it coming.

How About More JOY in Your Life?

2011-03-10T19:35:00.003-07:00

As you get further down the heart healing road from breakup pain to brighter days, joy returns. You remember how good it feels to laugh again.

You awaken from the dark times that have been consuming you, and you remember what you really enjoy—like listening to jazz music, spending more time outdoors, or riding your bike—whatever lifts your spirits.

For me, a delight is like a “raspberry moment.” It happens when I eat fresh raspberries because I have good memories associated with eating them.

It’s funny how one bite of the little red fruit and suddenly I am eight-years old again. I can see my little girl self walking across the gravel road in front of my grandparent’s summer cabin in the Wisconsin north woods toward a long patch of wild raspberries.

We'd pick them and eat them on cereal or right from the vine when we just couldn't wait. I can get lost in thinking about those long summer days of freedom and adventure--just me and my two sisters with my maternal grandparent’s every two weeks, every summer.

Bliss!

I remember the smell of Folgers’s coffee brewing early in the morning. As I chomped on my Frosted Flakes, I wondered why grownups drank the stuff when it tasted so bitter.

We’d swim in the lake for hours and go on nature hikes with my grandpa. He’d take us for boat rides, and teach us to fish and clean our catch. Grandma would fry up the fresh perch or bluegill for dinner.

Then we might take a short walk down to the peninsula that jetted out into the lake on soft ground covered with pine needles and moss. As night fell, you could hear the distant sound of a loon singing his own unique tune.

Good memories.

But back to the raspberries. Is there something in your life that’s a “raspberry moment” for you? Is there something that makes you feel really good when you think about it and fills you with joy?

It's time to find your bliss.

Waking Up to the Rest of Your Life: Gratitude

2011-03-07T17:50:00.004-07:00

Your breakup is over. You’ve been processing the pain, feeling your feelings, forgiving, letting go, and more. Now what?

It’s time to “wake up” to the rest of your life.

In the last blog post we talked about rebuilding connection and community, not being isolated and finding friendships again.

You’ve been through a lot to get from darkness to day in your journey from breakup to better days. You’ve survived disappointment, discouragement and maybe even depression. When you arise to gratitude, your heart soars higher than your circumstances.

“Thank you for all you have done for me, Lord!” is the cry of a grateful heart.

As you chart a new course in life, remember the darkness from which you came and thank God for the light—the goodness, peace and joy—you finally have in your heart. Even if all the hurt has not yet been loved away, thank Him for how far you’ve come.

Here are some good verses to remember about thankfulness:

Give thanks always.
“Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Eph. 5:20)

Give thanks because God is good.
“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.” (Psalm 118:1)

Give thanks for God’s unfailing love.
“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.” (Psalm 107:13-15)

Give thanks because we have victory. “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:57)

Prayer
Lord, thank you for a new day. In this new season of my life, help me learn to live “beyond the breakup” and move forward. You have done so much for me and I am truly thankful. Will you help me to wake up to the rest of my life and build community and friendships, find more joy, serve others, awaken to vision and purpose for my life, and trust again. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

After a Breakup: Finding Connection and Community Again

2011-03-05T13:26:00.004-07:00

After a breakup singles often feel lonely or disconnected from other people. Isolation can lead to a lack of motivation, and a lot less joy. Instead of trying to be tough and self-sufficient, it’s important to realize that it’s okay to rely on others, especially people who are affirming, accepting, and trustworthy.

We were created for connection. Yet oftentimes we don’t have the energy for it if we are too focused on our own problems, or we haven’t taken the time to develop quality friendships.

Sadly, TV shows can become a quick fix for company since these people show up in your living room at least once a week. But TV is only a one-way connection.

Our pastor once said that if God can separate you from authentic community then you are easy prey for the enemy because you are isolated and alone. Whether it’s with your family, friends, church, book club, Bible study, sports team, community theatre group, scrapbooking club, or other types of community, we all need real, live human contact.

Of course, solitude can be healing and we all need some time to ourselves, but we need to find a balance between being alone and being with other people—-not just with online friends, but face-to-face personal interaction.

Indeed, restoration often comes within relationships. Being in healthy and supportive relationship other than dating connections can be very healing. As people treat you with kindness and treat you well they reinforce the truths you’ve learned that you are worthy and have infinite value.

We get stronger and sharper as we connect with others, and follow Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Plus, you may be able to help someone else in their time of need after their breakup because you can relate and empathize. You can offer them hope and comfort, and help bring healing to others from your own wounding and heart healing path.

When Erica went through a painful divorce she was fortunate to have church members who provided practical help as well as a lot of support and encouragement.

People were constantly giving her invitations to their home for meals and fellowship. It helped her to feel less sad and alone, and very loved by her church community as they modeled Christ to her.

Some of the men in the church volunteered to work on her home (which was in disrepair) and mow her lawn. One of the deacons was a CPA and he helped her with financial planning after the divorce. In addition, she received lots of prayer and letters of encouragement. Erica was extremely grateful as her church loved her in a way she’d never felt loved before.

In fact, what the church did for Erica was a testimony to the community. As she went through the grieving process and was supported in such tangible and kind ways, those outside the church looked on in wonder and amazement.

It kind of makes me want to cry tears of joy for the help and support she received.

Bottom line: Don’t try to do this life on your own. Connect, and you will find much more joy and satisfaction in life!

Breakup Repair: Spring Cleaning Your Heart

2011-03-01T18:43:00.004-07:00

Recently I was driving downtown and spotted the city's old train station across the street. It had once been a bustling transportation hub, but over time the facility was abandoned and fell into disrepair.

Years later someone had the bright idea to renovate the old building, and now the once defunct train station has been transformed into offices and stylish lofts.

Transformation. Change.

Hmmm…It was time for some fixing up in my own life too.

After a breakup a few years ago, I had been so consumed with my own misery and getting over a guy that I almost forgot who I was and what I wanted-—and what God wanted for me.

Slowly I began to wake up and remember that, among other things, I wanted to write, to travel, and to get my finances in order so I could be a generous giver. I wanted to feel joy again.

I could tell a fresh wind of change was blowing in my life because as I emerged from the breakup blues, I suddenly got the urge to spring clean everything-—and it wasn’t even springtime!

I got rid of clothes that no longer fit or were no longer in style. I wanted to redecorate and did a few small things to my place. I was changing and I wanted my environment around me to change too.

Is it time for new purposes, new visions, and new dreams in your life?

Are there things you want to change? Like a winter coat in July, it may be time to shed some old ways of thinking, like negative self talk or put downs. Maybe you want to lose weight or take a class—not because some guy is telling you to change, but because you want to do it for yourself.

Take this time to focus on what you want to be different in your life: get in touch with friends, learn more about how men work, or update your wardrobe. Out with the old, in with the new!

No matter what you discard, don’t ever throw away the outfit that looks good on everyone and never goes out of style: “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14, emphasis mine)

Moving forward, making changes, and living beyond your breakup begins as you wake up to the rest of your life, and arise to:

gratitude,

community,

joy,

serving others,

vision and purpose, and

adventure—learning to trust again and take risks.

There is more, and the rest of your life is waiting!

Dealing with Unresolved Grief is Key to Healing Your Heart After a Breakup—or Any Loss

2011-02-27T15:47:00.005-07:00

So you’ve had a bad breakup? Or a loss of another kind. It’s hard. It hurts. But here’s some hope and insight.

One of the most essential lessons I learned in my season of desert darkness was the importance of grieving losses—going through not around the pain. I learned that “unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives.”

Unresolved grief? I knew I was sad and hurt from my last breakup. I was surely in pain. But it had never occurred to me that I had “grief” and it had to be resolved. Wasn’t grieving for getting over a death?

In the ensuing months, I came to learn that grieving was for all sorts of losses. It gave me a name for the permeating underlying sadness I’d been feeling for months.

Why do people avoid processing emotional pain, especially when emotions are strong? For one thing, as Mr. Griffen said to Annie in the movie We Are Marshall, “Grief is messy.” Mascara runs down your face when you cry, your eyes get puffy and your nose gets red. Your emotions fluctuate like the highs, lows and unexpected turns of a roller coaster ride. It’s not pretty.

But then again, neither is a rainstorm in springtime when the roads flood and the mud slides. But grieving, like spring— the shoulder between the dead of winter and the glory of summer—lasts only for a season.

Maybe you’ve seen people who try to hide their pain. They put on a pretend smile when inside they are dying emotionally. Like a like a duck gliding along the surface of a pond, they seem calm and unruffled, while underneath they’re paddling like mad just to stay afloat.

If you are going through a bad breakup--or any sort of loss in your life--an you want to get over it, it’s important to know what grief is, why it’s important to process it, how to go through it.

What is grief?
Perhaps you’re thinking, “Grieving? For a breakup? What’s the big deal? I mean, you just pick up the pieces and move on, right?” James and Friedman give us some important basics, “Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”

Grieving is okay. It’s necessary. It’s not just for the loss of a loved one through death, but for other losses as well. “The problem,” they continue, “is we have all been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.”

The pain won’t just go away if you ignore it. In fact, it is widely known that holding back emotions or not dealing with them can lead to increased physical stress and even physical illness.

A loss of significance—a big loss—can get stuck in your heart if it is not processed. When your self esteem falters, and you feel like it’s always midnight, and you hold it all in, the pain can pile up like emotional garbage. It clogs the drain, blocking your emotions as well as your movement forward into healing and wholeness.

Stuck pain can also lead to unwanted behavior. You’re constantly sad or bitter and it keeps you at arm’s length from other people, so you feel alone. You don’t feel like yourself, so you end up saying or doing things you don’t really mean—like blaming others or lashing out in unwarranted anger—and hurt others.

It’s been said that if you don’t grieve well you grieve all the time. While you may put on a good front for friends and coworkers, inside the lingering sadness remains. That’s why it’s so important to grieve losses—to unblock your frozen heart so you can feel better, find joy, and live a life of emotional freedom, serenity and love.

Here are a few things to remember:

Grieving a loss is not a linear process. Processing loss can circle around a few times or wash over you like an ocean wave. Eventually the waves that once pounded you so hard will have less and less impact, and finally recede.

Everyone heals in their own way and their own timing because love and loss is unique for each person.

Acknowledge your loss. Whether you left, he left, or it was a mutual agreement, something that was there is now gone.

Ask for help. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you do what you cannot do on your own. With His power, emotions expressed will begin the flow, unclogging your blocked heart. In time you will get unstuck and move from the darkness of loss and pain into the sunlight of restoration and wholeness.

Let yourself be sad. In his book, Broken, Tim Baker says, “Sorrow is entirely underrated.” I have to agree. “Sometimes,” he continues, “we feel that crying is showing weakness and that real Christians, if they’re truly saved, would never feel sorrow or cry…” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Tears are a cleansing emotional release from a wellspring deep inside of us that need to get out. Tears are part of unblocking our inner stuckness and pain. “It is as if we have to cry so the pain has somewhere to go, and that somewhere is out of us,” said Baker.

What do you need to release today? Will you release the pain, release control, release your need to be right, release the other person from what he or she did to you—or didn’t?

Recognize what you’ve lost and what remains. It can be helpful to make a list of your losses. Losing a significant love relationship is a loss, but you may have also incurred other losses during this time.

For instance, the loss of companionship and friendship, time spent with that person, and the loss of affection and physical touch. It could mean the loss of a dream of a life together with that person. There’s also the loss of trust, loss of control, and the loss of self respect or self esteem.

Dig in to God’s word. Writers of the Psalms, like David, often cried out to God with disappointment, sadness, longings and doubt. Then, after ranting and ravings, he’d remember God’s goodness and faithfulness in bringing him through his trials. He wasn’t afraid to express how he really felt, yet found, in the “but God” moments, a transition from tears to trust, from sorrow to celebration or from heartbreak to hope.

Pray. No matter what your circumstances, prayer is powerful. Prayer changes things. And it changes us.

Grieving losses is difficult, but not impossible. As night falls and darkness settles in you may feel hesitant or afraid to walk on. But take heart. Grieving, like night time, will not last forever.

Remember, you’re just passing through on your way to better days. Much better days.

Prayer by prayer and moment by moment healing comes. With the light of Christ to illuminate the way, things begin to change or you change, or both. You start to reorient your life around other events, places, or people and in time you return to a happier version of yourself with less sadness and more joy.

God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

Prayer
Lord, my heart is broken. Will you help me to get beyond this pain and move forward into joy? I need Your healing power and love to get me through. Lord, I choose to give you my pain, sadness, loss and loneliness. I cast my cares. Be near me Lord, in this dark season and always. Through this loss, I am thankful for what remains—-my health, my friends and family, and mostly You. Thank you for your care, comfort and close presence. Lead me, moment by moment from sadness to joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Tired of Waiting for Love?

2011-02-26T10:20:00.003-07:00

So you want to get married. Or, have a boyfriend or girlfriend to spend time with who’s a really good match for you. You like him, he likes you; you have a lot in common, and wow they make you feel really good when you’re with them!

If only.

Well, friend, that’s where hope comes in.

Yep, wild hope that one day—-maybe in the not too distant future-—you will meet the one you connect with best, and the one who stays. The real thing. Lasting love. We all desire it. At least most of us do. And if you do, tell God about it.

Seriously.

Tell the One who loves you most about the deepest desires of your heart. Your lack, your longings, and what you really need in a love relationship. He is the Author of the best Love Stories. He is the Author of Love.

Oh.

Here’s the thing, too. It’s about having a “harvest” mentality. It may not happen all at once. You plant your seeds (your prayers) and God grows what is best for you. You prepare and you have hope.

Prepare by becoming the person who will be well-suited for the one you meet. Because there’s what you want to GET from another and what you GIVE to the other.

Prepare by learning more about the opposite sex and how they think and feel. There are a ton of books out there to read, but you can also get to know your women friends better (or your male friends, as the case may be). Oh, the insight you will get!

A blog reader I will call S. is struggling with the same thing many of us singles struggle with—-we know God loves us, and that He has a good plan. We trust Him, but...

As she says, “it would be nice to be blessed with seeing as well as believing.”

To reader S. and to all of you, I’d say: I know. It would be nice. But keep having Hope.

Hope that God really does know what is best for you. He is not withholding something (or someone) from you; He is protecting you and saving you for His very best. We are on God’s timetable, He is not on ours. And if we trust His timing and His ways, we may just be surprised…

That is our wild hope—that God will indeed give what is best for each of us. If that includes marriage and kids, it will happen. If it means being on your own, He will take care of you.

Most likely some of you are gasping right now. “Not me! I’m not gonna be alone the rest of my life!” Again, you don’t know. So trust God for today and tomorrow.

Plant, prepare, wait, and wonder, and in all that—have a “harvest mentality” that God will grow what is good. Like the luscious, red apples ripe on the tree, when it’s time it will be time.

Harvest will come, whatever that looks like for you.

Until then, look up. Smile. Live your life. And know…He will take care of you.

When He Doesn’t Call: Keeping Your Joy

2011-02-22T18:19:00.004-07:00

Happiness may come and go, but joy is much more stable.

Finding joy can be challenging, but possible, whether he calls or not, whether you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) or not. No matter what.

Despite your circumstances you can choose to have joy. Really. Yep, it’s a choice.

Joy happens because you know on Whom you wait—not for the guy to call, but for God to show you that you are worth being loved well. And the one who is right for you will PURSUE you, will call you, and will not leave you wondering!

The proof is in the pursuit. If he’s pursuing you, he may be interested. If he’s not, you’ve got to let it go. Don’t try to rationalize with reasons (he’s shy, he’s busy, he’s not over his ex, etc.). For WHATEVER REASON—even if you don’t know what it is—you have be “hands off” and move forward with your own life if the guy’s not pursuing you.

The thing is, you can have peace because God is in control. You cast your cares onto Him (“Here, take this longing and ache, Lord!”) and not carry them around.

Release yourself and rely on His strength. And then a lighter heart emerges. Ah….can you feel it? Things may not have changed, but you have.

So, no matter what is or is not happening in your life right now, soak in God’s joy.

And for those of us who are single and longing for the right one for us to come into our lives, here is some hope. First, the verse in the Bible as it appears. Then, my modern day-Jackie-interpretation of the verse for singles.

Here you go…

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Here is my translation of Habakkuk 3:17-18 for singles:

Though the relationship does not bud
and there are no men on the phone,
though the love connection fails
and the man produces no ring,
though there are no dates in my Daytimer®
and no guys at the door…

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God; He will take care of me.

So whether you have a Daytimer, an online calendar, or scraps of notes to keep you on track in life, God never loses track of you. He will give all you need.

Stand up straight. Take a deep breath. Remember the joy that’s yours today—and every day.

A Trip to the Beach, A Lesson in Patience

2011-02-22T06:59:00.003-07:00

“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…”
(Psalm 37:7)

Life often has unexpected twists and turns, and we need patience, persistence and staying power. Thankfully, God gives guidance to help us stay on the right track. Our job is to listen and obey Him.

Yeah, easier said than done.

But I learned a lesson in patience—and God’s interesting ways of guiding our lives—on a day trip to the beach a few years ago.

Here’s the story…

On the western shore of Lake Michigan, along Wisconsin’s coastline, is Harrington Beach. One sunny Saturday I decided to drive there which, according to the map, should’ve taken less than two hours from my home in Milwaukee.

As I drove along, I finally spotted the lake on my right and thought I’d be there shortly. But suddenly the highway turned inland and soon I was driving past farmland and bright red barns. It didn’t seem like I was going the right direction since my car was headed AWAY from the lake.

This can’t possible be the way. I want to go to the beach, yet I’m driving inland past farms!

So I stopped at a gas station and asked the attendant if this was the right way to Harrington Beach, and he assured me it was. While the road had twists and bends, it would eventually lead to my destination.

Hmmm.

I guess I just needed to follow his directions and wait for the right exit. I pressed on.

Finally, I saw a road sign that pointed to the correct exit and arrive at the beach parking lot. It was a wooded area and I still couldn’t see any sand or water.

I parked my car, walked through a short wooded path, and down a few wooden stairs. As I descended, I looked up and saw most amazing expanse of sand and water I’d ever seen at a Midwestern beach! Ah! To my right and left were miles of soft sand that beckoned me to walk.

Waves crashed on the shore, sea gulls cawed, and a gentle breeze blew off the lake and cooled me. At last!

It was quite an ordeal to get there—and a test of faith. But my loving God knew the entire time I’d get to that the beach, even as I drove on winding roads that seemed to be going in the opposite direction. He knew the way; I did not.

I learned a big lesson in patience that day.

If I know the One who is leading me, I can trust I will eventually get to my destinations in life—and it gives me strength to endure delay even when the journey doesn’t look how I think it should.

Trust on. Have faith. Even when you cannot see the way.

Still Waiting? Learning to Trust God’s Timing

2011-02-20T07:28:00.004-07:00

Here’s the thing about waiting. It’s what we tell ourselves while we wait that determines how we wait.

You can think, “this is gonna take forever!” and sigh hopelessly. Or, you can think, “I don’t know how long this will take, but I’m trusting God’s perfect timing. He will take care of me.”

Big diff.

God keeps perfect time. Do you believe it? Things will unfold in your life when He is ready, when circumstances are ready, or when we are ready.

Here are a few examples. You can’t tell a newborn baby to run a marathon and then be disappointed when he does not. It’s not time yet. He has to grow up first, and gain strength and muscle.

You can’t order a closed rosebud to “open up now!” It simply will not happen. In time the graceful flower unfolds.

“To everything there’s a time and an hour,
for our lives to unfold and for roses to flower.
There’s a reason and purpose for every delay,
and with patience and timing we’ll get there someday.”

That’s a line from a poem I wrote years ago called, “A Time for Everything.” So, as you wait, you can…

Prepare
Pray
Have patience
Choose joy
Trust God’s timing
Live in the “now”

Sometimes we need to “grow up on the inside” and that begins as we first “grow down,” much like the like the roots of a bamboo tree. For the first six years, the tree develops an extensive root system under the earth. If you stood there and looked at the site where the bamboo tree was planted you’d think nothing was happening.

Lots of waiting.

Then, finally, in the seventh year, the bamboo plant shoots up 80 feet tall! But if it had not first created such a widespread root system the tree would not have had the support needed for such explosive growth.

Although it seemed like nothing was happening, God was at work preparing for growth.

Things are not always what we see.

Waiting builds character, strengthens our dependence upon God and draws us closer to Him. It protects us from harm, and grows us up on the inside.

Waiting is for a reason. “God lets us wait—,” says Dan Allender, “not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, but because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him.”

No matter what you wait upon, know upon Whom you wait. The Lord will deliver you.

As you wait, Believe.

Waiting? A Few Ideas to Help You Wait Well

2011-02-18T19:31:00.006-07:00

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5

Waiting is hard for most of us. In fact, we live in a world that promotes an instant-mindset through almost every advertisement you see or hear: Act now! Get what you want when you want it! From instant oatmeal to eyeglasses “in about an hour,” we get confused when we have to wait for things to happen in our own lives.

When things seem to take too long for our own liking, instant gratification replaces waiting, and we may take matters into our own hands. Bad idea.

We try to make something happen because you don’t know what to do with the spaces in life—like the interim gap between, say, the guy who just left and the next one to come into your life. Sometimes we wait for guidance, direction, or answers—or we don’t—and pay the consequences.

If waiting is a given, then we must decide if we will wait on God, and learn to wait well, or force things to happen on our own and downright disobey. Either way, we will deal with the results.

For instance, if you drive through a red stoplight, another car could careen through the intersection and hit you, harming you and wrecking your car.

Or, if you start another romantic relationship without waiting on God’s timing, you’d carry the unhealed pain with you and you won’t be able to give and receive love in the most stable or emotionally healthy way possible. You may end up driving the other person away or crashing the next relationship because you are simply not ready.

God has good reasons for delays. Truly, He does. We may not always understand what He’s doing or why, but God wants us to obey his commands—not because He is a tough taskmaster, but to protect us and guide us. In learning obedience, we also learn wisdom.

Ah, wisdom!

Like the wisdom of keeping your hands off the cocoon of an emerging butterfly. While you may want to help, it is not wise to pry it open for the little creature. He needs to emerge on his own, and the struggle builds strength as he exits his temporary shelter—otherwise he will die.

So we need to know when to keep our hands off and trust God’s timing for things to unfold.

So how do you learn to wait—and wait well?

Have you ever noticed that often God is not in a hurry? In Bible we see a number of examples, like Joseph, a young man sold by his own brothers. He lived in slavery (and at times, prison) for 17 years before he rose to a powerful position in Egypt. Jacob labored for 20 years before he was released from Laban’s labor in order to earn marriage to Rachel.

God doesn’t seem to be in a hurry because He is not on our timetable, we are on His.

Oh!

God is God, and we will never fully know His reasons. But we can take comfort in the fact that He is good, loving and faithful—and he is always at work, even in the dark, putting together the pieces of our lives for His good purposes.

During seasons of waiting in our lives we can remember that:

Waiting is active. Waiting is more than just passing time; and it is not doing nothing. The work of waiting is believing God. Not just believing in God, but believing He will provide what is best for you.

Know on whome you wait: God, not man. God had good purposes, so your waiting is not in vain. You don’t have to be afraid that God will forget. He knows your heart and your desires. "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken." (Psalm 62:5-6)

Waiting is for a purpose. God uses the seemingly dead times in our lives to heal, replenish and prepare our hearts for the next season in our lives. Think of your heart as a fallow field. Like the farmer who leaves his land crop-free for a season, your heart may feel barren or blank, but it’s only for a time. Leaving the land empty replenishes the soil and replaces the nutrients so a better, healthier crop grows the next time. In the same way, your “in the meantime” can be a time to heal and replenish your own heart land and, in time, gather a better and healthier yield in how you handle relationships—and life.

Waiting draws us closer to God. Enduring delay builds intimacy and a closer relationship with Him. In our weakness, God is strong and His strength precedes victory.

Bottom line? Waiting means TOTAL dependence on God—not a little bit of dependence when I felt like it—but complete reliance on God.

Total dependence on God means that we are not so full of pride to think we can do this life on our own.

Sure when times are tough, we cry out for help. But when things are looking up, you might find yourself thinking you can do life on your own. “I’ll take it from here, God,” you think, “I’ve got it covered.” Really? When we don’t see anything happening, we may foolishly step out and try to make things happen on our own.
We can be confident but not prideful, secure but not foolish.

There’s a lot to be said about the fine art of waiting…so tune in tomorrow for more.

Guess you’ll just have to wait. :)

Hurting After a Breakup? Grab Hold of Comfort and Support from A Single Girl Who's Been There

2011-02-17T18:02:00.004-07:00

Breakups hurt. That’s a fact. And everyone handles the demise of a relationship differently. Some people want to avoid interaction completely, so they stay home and isolate themselves from what they think will be further pain. Just flop on the couch, flip on the TV and zone out to a place where anger and anxiety disappear, even for just a few hours.

Another common tendency is to obsess about the relationship, and think about what happened (or didn’t happen) over and over again. You replay in your mind the last few conversations you had. You know the dialog of your breakup by heart (he said this, then I said that, then he said…), but you still don’t understand what really happened between the two of you to get to this painful point.

Like a hamster on a wheel that goes around and around but gets nowhere, your mind seeks answers, insight, and closure.

Breakups are painful because something has been wounded. And, much like a physical injury, an emotional wound needs care, comfort and recovery time.

Healing emotional pain from a relationship split begins when you stabilize the situation. Separate from the source of pain, the other person, so you can prevent further injury and begin the healing process. It’s like a cast on a broken arm, but it’s a heart boundary for a time and for a purpose.

For example, don’t go back and keep having repeated post-breakups talks or interactions with the person who broke your heart. It can be extremely difficult, like withdrawal from a drug, to keep your hand off the phone but it will be easier to heal in the end.

Don’t call or email him just to see how he is, and don’t drive by his house or office. You may be tempted to want to reach out to him and connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar—but your goal here is not connecting, it’s disconnecting. It feels awful and lonely and different. But that’s just part of the process.

Of course, every situation is different. I’m not saying that you have to cut off all contact completely or forever. Some women I know have been able to be friends with people they’ve dated, but not right away. The truth is: A time of separation is essential if you are ever going to have a platonic friendship in the future.

Breakups can be complicated, and you may need to have a few talks to get to the finale. But use wisdom and discretion. Hard as it can be, I’ve found that being away from the other person completely, at least initially, was more healing in the long run than the slow hanging-on-to-fragments-of-what’s-left relationship death.

Pray about it and ask God how to best tie up the loose ends of your ending.

A wise woman has self respect and doesn’t grovel; she knows when to walk away and to whom to run—into the arms of her First Love and Great Physician, Jesus. He is the one who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

Remember, you won’t be in this painful place forever. In the meantime, here are some great ways to find the comfort and support you need…

Let yourself cry.

Say hello to “the God all comfort.” His love, His presence, and His word are healing gifts.

Prayer is a vital key in your healing process. Why not start each day with prayer for wisdom, guidance, healing and favor and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s done for you that day (whether you enjoyed it or endured it)?

Worship also brings healing, comfort, joy and a fresh encounter with God.

Put his stuff away. It’s hard to move forward into your new future when mementos of your past are pulling you back. If you’re not ready to discard them, box up all the photos and treasured objects he gave you and put them in storage until the time is right to get rid of them. Also, think about deleting his number from your cell phone so you’re not tempted to do some desperate dialing or texting in a weak moment.

Talk with trusted friends or family members.We need our friends to comfort and support us in our times of need. Telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. When someone listens we feel validated. Talk to your close friends or family members about your breakup story, not to bash the guy or cause harm, but to get it out of you—to release it, so you can find freedom and healing.

Write in a journal or notebook. When your feelings appear on a page (or even typed online), they are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent your emotions, release your pain and do so in the privacy of your personal journal.

Think about asking God these questions and writing down your answers: Lord, what do you want me to learn from this relationship that just ended? What are you teaching me during this healing time? God has valuable life lesson in every season of our lives, even the dark times.

Nurture your spirit.When your heart is hurting it’s helpful to take care of yourself and remember what makes you feel good. Comfort comes in a variety of ways and uses some or all of our senses:

the touch of a friend’s hug, a therapeutic massage, or a warm comforter around you as you rest in an overstuffed chair by a roaring fire;

the sight of the stunning beauty of God’s creation (on vacation or right in your own backyard), or a redecorated apartment;

the smell fresh cut flowers filling your living room, or a new perfume;

the taste of your favorite comfort foods (like creamy mashed potatoes or a hot caramel latte);

the sound of relaxing music, the melody of a flowing river on a nature walk, or a phone call from a kind friend who is really good at cheering you up.

This is a time of transition. You’re going from a being couple to a single, from a “we” to a “me.” Change takes time and we all handle it differently, so be good to your self in the process.

Some days you will stumble and some days you will stand firm, but no matter what happens you walk on, knowing that you are one step closer to brighter days ahead.

Prayer
Dear Lord, I am really hurting today. How could this happen? I simply do not understand. I am sad, and angry and hurt and heartbroken. I give you my pain and cast my cares into the ocean of your love and comfort. I choose to trust You, and remember that no matter what happens you are faithful, kind and good. Even when I do not see where the plot is going, You are still the author of my story. I need You, Lord. I need your close presence. Help me to rest in the comfort of your love. Restore my shattered heart. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

After the Heart Holiday -- Now What?

2011-02-15T07:31:00.004-07:00

Okay so the heart holiday is over. You made it! Here are a few parting thoughts about Love…

Perhaps you’ve heard this expression: “The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.” So said Oliver Wendell Holmes.

I believe the same is true of love. The heart, once expanded to encompass the breadth of love, is never the same again.

A nice idea, you may say. But what if your life has turned out differently than you’d planned? You had love—-once-—and lost it. Or, you’ve never even experienced it at all. Being single at this stage of your life was not your plan, yet here you are, on your own.

Unlike the board game called LIFE, where the path meanders through key life events like graduation, jobs, marriage, kids and retirement, you never got your little red convertible with a husband in the seat next to yours, or a bunch of kids in the back.

Either way, we need to remember that God is still sovereign. That means He rules and reigns; He’s in control even when life seems out of control—or seemingly empty. Just because the road of real life took a different turn, does not mean God has forgotten about you. He is still with you on the path--leading, guiding, loving.

Every step of the way.

Here’s a good way to look at it. “The sovereign Lord will not be thwarted by ill motives, wayward plans, or the scheming of the unrighteous. He rules over the universe, and he even uses evil to accomplish his plan,” says Dan Allender.

“But God’s sovereignty is not an invitation to passivity. Instead, it is a call to wise and risky creativity. We must plan, and he will direct.”

Okay. We must plan, and pray, and God will direct.

So, on this Tuesday and for the rest of our lives we can choose to walk forward by faith.I, for one, choose to love. To be kind. To care about others. To serve and give. To protect and be protected. And more.

Today I choose to...

Love bravely.
Love courageously.
Love anyways!

Will you?

A Single Girl Ponders Valentine’s Day—and Love

2011-02-14T07:08:00.004-07:00

So I’m at the grocery store yesterday and I walk into a veritable Heart Fest. Seriously. I pushed my shopping cart through the front door and into a land of heart-shaped cookies, cupcakes, and balloons, red roses, teddy bears, and cards of all shades and sizes proclaiming love.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The day of all things red-—and love

Then I noticed quite a few couples grocery shopping together, which is unusual. Or maybe I just noticed it more today. Some of these two-somes looked a lot like each other; they say that happens sometimes. Like the outdoorsy couple in hiking gear that looked like they just stepped out of the LL Bean catalog. Others, it seems, don’t resemble each other at all. But they’re together—-even at the grocery store.

Are these people in love? Or just getting by? Are they happy?

This I ponder as I meander to the deli. Here, the clerk slices my low sodium turkey, another seemingly mundane task on another mundane day. That is, until she looks up and sees someone named Phil walking by looking straight at her. He smiles and says hello. Deli Girl says “Hi” back with a smiled so wide you’d think she’d just won the Colorado lottery.

Hmmm.

What about the older woman with sneakers brighter than her Grandma-coif hairdo? She picks up and puts down steaks with an indecisive look. Does she have someone special to go home to with those steaks, or is she all alone tonight?

I wonder, as I stand in the checkout line next to a twenty-something guy with Red Bull and deodorant, how Love works.

Who picks whom and why? What attracts someone to another for life? What makes a couple work—or not? People have been coupling, loving, and doing life together for centuries. And yet, my head swims.

It is a mystery.

And then I remember. God is a God of mystery and miracles—especially when it comes to love. He excels at getting the right people together at the right time. If we let Him, He truly is the best Matchmaker ever.

That’s what I’m counting on. I want love to find me…real, mutual love that’s lasting and good. I trust that the Author of Love knows what I need in the man best-suited for me. And that He knows what you need, and who is best-suited for you.

Maybe one day my Love Story will begin. And I hope it’s a really good read. A mystery? Perhaps. But a good romantic comedy--

Now that would be delightful.

In the meantime, instead of bemoaning the love we don’t have, let’s celebrate—with friends, family, and others—the love we do.

Waiting for a Valentine? Maybe He's Already Here

2011-02-13T08:16:00.003-07:00

Waiting for a Valentine

For love, the heart cries silently,
“Where are you?
When will you find me?”
Hopeful for a precious valentine.

Yet, waiting long it seeks to fill
The emptiness with its own will,
And imitations leaving lack,
Hungry for a faithful valentine.

At last a suitor is revealed,
Truth uncovered, not concealed,
Who shines with light supreme, sublime.
Are you my radiant valentine?

Love, he tells me is his name,
And Justice, he is just the same
For once he hung between two robbers on a tree –
My God, My God, my faithful valentine.

What Love is this that covers me --
And shields me from my enemies?
From death to life so powerfully,
My valiant valentine.

Your giving heart, so rare and free,
Your promise you will never leave,
Eternity of You and me,
My One true love valentine.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Finding Love Again: Are Your Expectations Realistic?

2011-02-10T20:38:00.004-07:00

The perfect man. The perfect woman. Do they really exist?

While it’s good to have standards and consider the spiritual, intellectual, social, emotional, and physical aspects of your ideal person, it’s also wise not to expect perfection.

The “right one” will be the one best suited for you if you include God in your love life. And love will be more successful when you don’t expect a man—or anyone—to be faultless.

Of course, we know that men and women are different in many ways, so the more we learn about the opposite sex, the greater chance we’ll have for better communication, with less frustration and more mutual enjoyment of each other.

In Finding Mr. Right, Stephen Arterburn reveals that the heart of a man is the most important part of his anatomy. “Often women focus on the wrong traits and mistake character flaws for strengths. They desire the confident, self-assured man, and mistakenly end up with an uncaring and demanding jerk. Wanting strength, they may shun a man who has a sensitive side, who actually is interested in who they are and how to please them.”

He also said that the wise woman looks for “…the inner man who is secure enough to love, free enough to laugh, and humble enough to learn.”

Some people idealize the fantasy of what they think dating or marriage is supposed to be, and sometimes a reality check is needed.

I have a coworker friend who’s been married for over a decade. He and his wife have a large family and, from seeing them at a few work functions I surmised that they had a happy, strong marriage that was conflict-free and breezy. I once said to him, “You guys make it look so easy.” His easy grin turned serious when he replied, “It’s taken us years to get to this place.”

Huh.

Like any relationship, marriage has its ups and downs. It takes dedication to live out the commitment.

As you think and pray about what you want in a date or a life partner, keep a realistic view—both the bright side and challenging side.

After a Breakup: What to Look for When You're Looking for Love Again

2011-02-09T06:44:00.002-07:00

Looking for Mr. (or Miss) Right?

There are many essential traits to look for in a date, and eventually a life partner. I have five listed here, the five C’s: Christian, Communication, Character, Chemistry, and Calling with some questions to ask yourself about what each one means for you.

Christian means that he has a committed and growing walk with God. If you’re a person of faith, that’s the foundation for any dating relationship. What does that mean for you? Do you want someone who will attend church with you every Sunday? Do you want to pray together as a couple? How will your faith influence your decision-making in life? Think about how you want to live out your spiritual life with another person.

Communication is essential to any good relationship. It’s talking and listening, building rapport and intimacy, sharing, and more. What kind of communication is important to you in a relationship? Are you comfortable going deep in conversation, or do you prefer to stay in the shallow end? What is “good communication” to you?

I remember a dreadful date with a man who didn’t talk to me almost the entire day we were together. Ron was a man from church with whom I’d spoken a few times. We had mutual friends and saw each other at singles events. One Sunday afternoon we drove to Green Bay for a Packers football game and he was completely silent throughout the entire game—including halftime! Even the long, soundless drive home was awful. I told myself that day that I needed a man who would not only talk, but listen, and make good communication a priority.

Character refers to his temperament, personality and moral fiber. Does he have integrity? Does his keep his promises, say what he means and mean what he says? How do your personalities mesh? Do you have temperaments that are complementary?

Chemistry is another word for attraction. Is he handsome in your eyes? Does he have other qualities that appeal to you? Is there that intangible “certain something” that makes you click as a couple? Of course, chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but don’t let your feelings dictate your choices based solely upon someone’s looks. True beauty is more than a perfect smile or fit body. It’s both inner and outer qualities, and how that person makes you feel. Additionally, chemistry is just one of the essential five C’s for a healthy and fulfilling match, one piece of the entire love puzzle.

Calling is the term I’ll use here for God’s will for your relationship. Is it right for the long term? Has God called you to marriage, or not? Just because you love someone does not always mean you will marry them. If you have all four of the five C’s, but if the “C” of Calling is not there, it will never work. You may have different life paths.

Finally, before you date someone—whether you meet on the Internet or at the office—make sure he is not married. Seriously. Don’t rely on him wearing a ring.

Here’s my story about that…

Josh had the kind of captivating blue eyes you could dive into and swim laps in for hours. He was a new client at our firm and always stopped by my desk to say hello and chat briefly. Of course, he always had something interesting to say and often I could only eek out pleasantries while I tried to remember my name.

Sigh.

His left-hand ring finger was bare; a good sign. No glint of a gold wedding band to be seen. Since there wasn’t a man in my life at the time, I had fun daydreaming about him. It was just for amusement, I told myself. Until the day I learned he was married.

Married! Yep. To the same woman for twenty years. And, oh, and they have a bunch of kids. How in the world was that possible? I mean, he never wore a ring and he was so nice. I was shocked, and surprisingly a bit hurt. I know I shouldn’t have been, but Daydream Man was gone. Who would I think about now?

It was time to clear my heart and head of even the smallest inklings of desire for this person and get back to what I really wanted—a God-centered lasting love.

Okay, so think about the 5C’s and what you’ll do with them. And maybe one day, the man with the precious metal on his left hand will belong to you.

Choose wisely.

Finding Love Again: What Do You Want to Do Differently Next Time?

2011-02-08T07:35:00.002-07:00

Often books on relationships emphasize finding the right person, but it’s also important to be the right person.

To have the lasting love and intimacy you desire it’s essential to identify unhealthy patterns in your own life, change what you can about yourself, and then come into greater clarity about the qualities you want in another person.

Identify unhealthy patterns. Healthy relationships grow when we know our true identity and respect our individuality and uniqueness. They also flourish when we connect with who God is (His character) and how that makes a difference in our life.

We are all made with different habits, personality traits and ways of relating. However, sometimes we do things in a relationship that hurt ourselves or damage the connection and we don’t know why.

Sometimes we know our weak spots and sometimes we are blind-sighted. Think about your past dating experiences. What went wrong? Why did it end?

It’s helpful to identify any patterns in your dating experiences that may be sabotaging the love you desire. You can start by making a list of things you’ve learned from past relationships—things you’ve done that you don’t want to do again. Here are some examples:

* You stayed too long in a dead end relationship.
* You didn’t stand up for yourself when he hurt you with words or actions.
* You gave in when he wanted to go farther physically than you wanted.
* You stubbornly wanted your own way all the time.
* You didn’t know how to handle it when he treated you poorly.
* You lived in a fantasy world of thinking “it will be more” when he only wanted friendship.
* You rushed from one relationship to next when you weren’t ready love again.

Change your thoughts and actions. Now that you know what you don’t want, it’s time to get to make some changes. What do you want to do differently next time?

You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns of the past. Ask yourself why you’ve made unwise relationship choices? If you don’t know, then pray and ask God to reveal to you any habits or patterns that have been holding you back.

Be clear on you really need in a relationship. In order to make choices that lead to the love and intimacy you desire, it’s important to know the characteristics you want—and don’t want—in a person. What are your criteria for the things you look? Think about the kind of men you’ve picked in the past? What do you want now? What needs to change?

Make a list of things you need in a relationship. For instance:
• I need to have a better idea of what I really want in a relationship.
• I need to learn to assess more quickly if a man is right for me or not.
• I need to be clear with myself and the other person about what behaviors I will and will not accept.
• I need someone who is consistent in his words and actions.
• I need to make time for a quality relationship; to feel more connected.
• I need a man who will pursue me, be available, and treat me with respect.

My friend Heidi once said, “The difference between the wrong man and the right man is like the difference between the darkest night and the brightest day.”

It’s time for a brand new day!

Finding Love Again: Wisdom is Key

2011-02-07T08:15:00.007-07:00

Now that you are getting over Mr. Wonderful (or Mr. Wonder-Where-He-Went) you may want to think about how you will do things differently in your next relationship.

You can be ready for love again and make healthier choices in the future by becoming a person of: wisdom, high standards, realistic expectations, integrity, love, and faith. We’ll talk about each one of these characteristics each day this week on A New Day Café blog—right here.

Making better choices in relationships begins as you think about the kind of person you want to date and how you’ll date. If you’re a person of faith, will you look for love in the world’s way or God’s way?

There is no Intro to Dating 101 section in the Bible, but we know that God desires people to treat each other with honesty, respect and honor. For one thing, that means being more other-centered and less self-centered.

It also means to be humble, be patient, bear with one another, to speak truthfully to build up others with your words, to be kind and compassionate, to forgive each other, and to live a life of love. Check out the book of Ephesians in the Bible for more about how we are to treat others—no matter who they are.

It seems wise to get to know someone first to see if you are compatible before you connect in a dating relationship. Spend time with your friends, his friends or your singles group instead of instant one-on-one time. That way you can prevent heartbreak for both parties if either of you discover you the other person is not for you after all.

Wisdom is essential making changes. Without it we do really dumb things that hurt others or ourselves. Wisdom protects, leads, guides, and gives knowledge and understanding. Wisdom gives us victory!

As you follow the path of wisdom something wonderful happens. You grow up on the inside.

When hard things happen, like a breakup, it can cause us to wise up and become more emotionally and spiritually mature.

What does that kind of person look like?

A mature person loves, accepts and respects herself. She learns to put rejection and loss in perspective, and trust the bigger picture of God’s guiding hand. She deals with issues as they come up and doesn't let them accumulate. Garbage needs to be taken out regularly, and emotional garbage needs to be processed and dumped frequently, too. She doesn't hold on to the past but clings tightly to the One who is her future and her hope: Jesus Christ.

A mature person lives in the reality of present, not the fantasy of the past or the future. She doesn’t obsess over a guy who’s dumped her for far too long or imagine herself in a white dress and veil with someone who is clearly not pursuing her.

A mature person trusts that God really does know best. And she lives what she believes. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” (James 1:22)

When you live in the light of God’s truth, you begin to feel stronger and more confident, and you become more equipped to make healthier relationship choices.

Restoring Confidence After a Breakup: Essential Tips

2011-02-04T06:47:00.002-07:00

When your identity is rooted in the soil of God’s truth, your confidence grows. So when you run into the guy who dumped you, or the girl he is with now, it won’t shatter your self esteem. Sure, it may shake you up a bit at first, but you bend; you don’t break. As you learn to accept your strengths and your weaknesses, you build confidence that you are worth being loved well.

Confidence is very attractive. In fact, I’ve heard a number of men say that it’s not always how a woman looks that first attracts them. Surprising as that may be, they say that it’s her confidence and how she makes them feel.

One day down the road you may start dating again, and when you do, you will have the confidence to move forward and make better choices next time (I’ll blog more about that next week).

You can be confident in God, and His abilities not your inabilities. Confidence, because God is faithful. “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Here are some suggestions to improve self esteem and confidence builders:

*Challenge negative and “what is wrong with me?” thinking.

*Watch your “self talk” and ruminating. Oftentimes we are harder on ourselves than others.

*Appreciate your positive strengths and work on areas that may need improvement.

*Stay away from critical and negative people as much as possible.

*Don’t put yourself down; build yourself up with God’s word.

*Accept compliments graciously. Just say, "thank you."

*Face your fears with faith.

*Don’t be afraid to say no.

*When your self esteem starts to crash, ask yourself: What happened? Is it true?
What evidence is leading you to that conclusion? Then consider if you need to change something in your life, or let go what happened.

*What one person thinks about you is just one person’s opinion.

*Love and respect yourself.

*Remember: You are worth being loved well!

*Handle with humor; find something to laugh about.

Prayer
Lord, I need new confidence and self esteem after this time of rejection. Help me to focus on You, not my circumstances. Plant seeds of truth in my life and help them to grow so I can know my true identity based on what You say and what You see. When the words or actions of others have hurt me, please shore up my eroded self esteem. Give me clarity and true perspective. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Restoring Confidence and Self Esteem

2011-02-02T07:07:00.002-07:00

This is who you are, your identity, LOVED BY GOD. ~ Eugene Peterson

After a relationship breakup a common question in going from a couple to a single is “Who am I now?” You want to know if you are loveable, worthy, enough. How do you find your way forward on your own?

Breakups can affect your self esteem and your identity. When you look at yourself, you may have a clear picture or a distorted image—either way it’s your point of view.

So often a woman looks to a man to affirm her worth and value. If he thinks she is great, she feels great. If doesn’t, her worth withers. We are sorely deceived when we think that any man has the final answer to our significance.

“No man can tell you who you are as a woman. No man is the verdict on your soul,” said John and Stasi Eldredge in Captivating. “Only God can tell you who you are. Only God can speak the answer you need to hear.”

To be sure, the authors affirm that it’s normal in a loving relationship to speak well of each other. It’s important to affirm each other with words. However, they conclude, our “core validation, our primary validation has to come from God.”

With the yardstick the world uses, you may feel like you will never measure up. However, when God looks at your life, He sees something entirely different—and His point of view is authenticity, reality, truth.

But what does God have to say about who you are? In His eyes, you are:

His friend.

A child of God—an adopted son or daughter.

Princess or prince.

You are precious, honored, and highly valued.

You are the apple of His eye (someone who is held dear).

You are chosen.

You are accepted by God…you belong to Him… and you are loved with an everlasting love.

Once you’ve discovered your true identity, who you are in God’s eyes, and choose to live in that truth you will begin to see yourself in a whole new light. You reawaken to who you really are—chosen, accepted and dearly loved—and find the courage to be yourself.

When your identity is rooted and ground in what God says about you, your self esteem is more solid. You are better able to handle success or failure, deal with change, make decisions, and move forward to give and receive real and lasting love.

The Lord wants to transform your identity, not take away who you are, but to reveal who you really are. No longer a servant, you are a friend. No longer an orphan, you are a child of God. Instead of a pauper, a princess; instead of alone and unloved, a Bride.

Don’t let your pain or your past define you. It is a part of who you are, but it’s not the entirety of what makes you the unique individual you are. Who you once were, or who you are now can be transformed as your identity comes from your security in Christ.

Rebuilding Your Life after Rejection (Part 2)

2011-01-31T18:43:00.004-07:00

How do you stop the “wearing away” of emotional erosion after rejection? How do you rebuild your self esteem and restore confidence?

Plant seeds of truth. After a devastating forest fire, erosion is contained by planting grass seed or building retaining walls. After a breakup, emotional erosion is shored up by planting seeds of truth and building supportive walls around your heart to retain the truth and prevent future erosion.

The seeds of truth come from reading and hearing God’s word, planting them in your heart and applying them to your life. In time there is growth, heart hedges holding your life in place—rooted and established.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ...” (Ephesians 3:16-19, emphasis mine)

Rooted in God’s love and what He says about you, you can stand firm when you feel like your self worth is being washed away by the strong winds of someone else’s unkindness or how your hair turned out that day.

When your roots go deep into the source of life, the water of God’s word you stay fresh and growing. Plant seeds of truth and as they grow, you will be better able to take hold of your true identity—what God says about who you are.

Know your true identity. What is your identity? It is what your driver’s license says? Is it what you tell yourself, what others say about you, or what the world thinks? How you see yourself affects how you feel and what to do or don’t. It affects your level of confidence.

So often we want to hide the broken and less-than-perfect parts of our selves. Yet as we come to realize that Christ loves us in the middle of our mess, that startling love helps us to accept both our strengths and weaknesses, both the dark and light, and our self image becomes less broken and more whole.

Self esteem is the value you place on how you see yourself. It’s how content you are with that image. Of course, self esteem fluctuates but if it is too high it can lead to a prideful heart.

Perhaps you’ve seen a woman who thinks she is “all that.” Her smugness and conceit is contrasted with the person who has low self esteem: she thinks she is “none of that.” She focuses more one her mistakes instead of what she does right. She is often sad or fearful, and her insecurity prevents her from speaking up, taking chances, or moving forward.

Whether it’s too high or too low, ask yourself if your assessment of your self or situation is accurate. Ask God to give you insight.

A healthy view of yourself is balanced. A woman with a healthy self-esteem respects herself. She feels secure and worthwhile because of what God says about her. She has confidence in relationships and in life and generally more joy. She knows she has significance; she matters. With her sense of worth and value intact, she sits up straight and walks tall. Her head up, this confident woman is friendly, gentle and kind. She makes eye contact when she speaks, and she doesn’t constantly apologize for everything she says or does.

After a breakup, you may feel like your self esteem has plummeted because often rejection can make you feel unwanted, unloved, or unworthy. It’s hard to learn to trust again and you wonder about your judgment. Often women wonder “what is wrong with me?” when in reality a man has not beheld your true worth. And neither have you.

It’s important to remember that your value as a person is not based on what one person thinks about you. As you allow God to shift your self esteem from how you see yourself to seeing your worth and value through God’s eyes a realignment takes place. God empowers you to see differently, you begin to act differently.

You change your perception, and you change your life.

Emotional Erosion: Rebuilding Life after Rejection (Part 1)

2011-01-30T19:00:00.005-07:00

The summer of 2002 had been one of the driest in decades and our state was enduring a drought when the largest forest fire in Colorado’s history, the Hayman Fire, started in the Pike National Forest.

Sadly, this inferno was ignited when a forest service officer was burning a letter from her estranged husband. The devastation was enormous; it caused thousands of people to evacuate their homes, totally destroyed over a hundred of them, and burned about 138,000 acres.

What a mess.

The intense heat of the fire had destroyed the protective layer of groundcover over the soil (like plants, grass, shrubs, and even litter). With the topsoil washed away, tree roots are exposed and unprotected, and the plant life is vulnerable to damage and depleted of nutrients.

Just as a forest fire can lead to erosion of soil, the fire of harsh words, negative comments or repeated rejection can begin to wear away at your self esteem.

What are some reasons our self esteem gets damaged?

Rejection is one of the biggest self esteem crushers, whether it’s from the crumbling of a long term relationship or an I-don’t-think-so brush off after a few dates. You hope, you wonder, and you take a risk with someone. Then you breakup and feel like you’ve lost again. It can do a number on your self esteem and you wonder how you’ll muster the confidence and courage to start all over with someone new.

A distorted perception of yourself. A “distorted perspective” of something is fuzzy and imprecise, and often untrue. When I was in eighth grade I got my first pair of eyeglasses. I remember looking out the window at the trees and noticing how clearly I could distinguish each individual leaf. With the clarity the glasses provided, blurry green blobs on a stick transformed into majestic maple and oak trees.

Sometimes we don’t see ourselves clearly either. The lenses through which we’ve been viewing our lives have been distorted by the constant criticism of a parent, the degrading comments from kids at school or by the downright mean way someone has treated you.

“Distorted images are not only shaping your perspective but are also hindering your possibilities,” says Jud Wilhite in Eyes Wide Open.

We need God’s better-than-20/20-vision to gain a clearer vision of who we really are, to come out of hiding, to be courageous, and to see ourselves as He sees us.

Loss of self. Instead of being misaligned, you may feel like your self esteem has been misplaced altogether. You feel lost because you lost yourself in the relationship. Maybe you were a people pleaser, a “yes” girl, and now you’re uncertain as to your identity and purpose. “Who am I apart from you? Who am I now?” Maybe you spent so much time on his life that you neglected your own.

He may have left you, but you left you as well, and you abandoned yourself.

Loss of self means you are out of touch with what you need and want. It is the ultimate abandonment when you don’t feel worthy to live in your own life. Your heart is like a deserted house, dark and empty, with boarded up windows and a fence in disrepair.

Stuck in the past. When hurtful memories from the past linger too long in your heart, they can wreak havoc on your self esteem in the present. An example from classic literature is the eccentric Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.

Jilted on her wedding day, Miss Havisham was so devastated that she left all the clocks in her house at twenty minutes to nine (because that was the time she received the heartbreaking news from her fiancé) and she never changed them again.

This woman held on to her hurt for years by leaving everything as it was on that dreadful day: the decaying remains of the wedding banquet littered the table, and she continued to wear the faded wedding dress. Every day she stared at painful reminders of the past as she clung tightly to “what could have been.” Feeling her life was ruined, she let her house and herself live in ruin.
How do you stop the “wearing away” of emotional erosion? How do you rebuild self esteem and restore confidence?

Stay tuned for more—Part 2 is coming on Tuesday.

Real Hope or False Hope? Knowing the Difference

2011-01-29T10:00:00.004-07:00

Walking with HOPE is not a fairy tale. It's not like being in a Disney cartoon where bluebirds carrying colorful ribbons lead the way and happy chipmunks wave as you skip down the lane and daisies bloom instantly at your feet.

Nope.

It's all about knowing the difference between false hope and true hope.

Here's the thing. After a relationship ends, you may hope the one you cared about will come back. “False hope” is when you expect him to return when it’s highly unlikely or even impossible that he will. Because you want it to happen so badly, you may deny the reality that he is already in another relationship, that he’s married, or that—for whatever reason—he is going in another direction without you.

You can, however, be optimistic that things will get better in your life and that God has good things for you down the road.

False hope is like being a Pollyanna-—optimistic, yet blind to reality. It is wishful thinking or vain imaginations.

Real hope, biblical hope, is different.

Biblical hope is confident trust in the reliability of God’s promises. It is solid and strong because it is based upon God’s words in the Bible. “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4)

Hope presses on and looks ahead. “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13, 14).

Day or night, ask God to show you what to do, to guide your path so you can look forward with trust, not trepidation.

When Hope Road seems to zig zag and you cannot see the way ahead, Hebrews 10:23 encourages you to press on with confidence and perseverance. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

Finally, biblical hope believes that God will give good things. He protects and He provides as He sees best.

Eugene Peterson said, “Hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time.”

When nothing seems to be happening…

When you are tired of trying to make things work out on your own…

When you cannot see ahead and you think things are taking entirely too long…

Hold on to hope.

The cadence of Christ is often unlike your own pace, but God is still at work, always at work, in your life.

Lifting the Fog When the Future is Unclear

2011-01-27T06:28:00.003-07:00

Choosing to have hope is a “one prayer at a time; one choice at a time” path that leads to a more whole and healthier attitude and life.

You start out by taking your first steps. As you walk on, roadblocks may come your way, but you navigate obstacles with God’s help. As you choose to follow and keep following, you learn to listen and take action.

It takes courage to get and step out on a new path. Whether you begin hesitantly or with a let’s-have-an-adventure excitement, the important thing is that you begin-—and keep choosing hope. You seek the Lord and listen for his guidance. “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” (Isaiah 30:21)

By taking one step, and then another and another, you leave the old place of brokenness and rubble, fraught with complication and unanswered questions.

Even when the future is unclear and it feels like a primordial haze hangs over your heart, walk on. Because like the early morning low cloudiness in San Francisco, eventually the fog will lift and clarity will come.

Your blue sky days of joy will return.

A Road Map From Hurt to Hope

2011-01-25T20:48:00.003-07:00

I’ve often wished the path from hurt to hope could be easier, clearer. When you decide to take a trip and pull out a map, you can locate a specific starting point and ending point. Plus, you have a destination, and when you get there you know you’ve arrived.

In breakup world, there is no perfect map.

There is a path each of us follows. There are good ideas and guidelines—and certainly God’s word—but how that combination works to get you to a better place is different for each of us.

There is no wooden sign that tells you the exact moment you are exiting pain and entering peace, as in “You are now leaving the land of loss” or “Welcome to the land of new beginnings.”

You have to walk in faith.

And you must choose which road to walk.

Your own “Great Awakening”
Time has passed since your breakup. Whether it’s been weeks, months or years, eventually your slumbering self wakes up and the light of God’s truth brings greater revelation. You have more awareness, insight and clarity about your pain and the relationship ending. You’ve come a long way in your healing journey.

And now you stand at a crossroads. There is a fork in the road and before you are two paths, one is the way of hope—Hope Road. The other is the path of hopelessness—Despair Drive. It is a defining moment, to have hope or not. Which road you will take?

Despair Drive follows the trail of bleakness. You just want to give up. You don’t want to deal with this “getting over a breakup” stuff any longer; you want to stay asleep and succumb to the darkness of disappointment. It’s too difficult, and it’s taking too long.

You show up for work or for lunch with friends, but a part of you is not really there. You’ve kind of checked out; the lights are on but no one’s home. You’ve been rejected and you can’t seem to get over it. Somehow you think a broken heart is incurable.

But beware: Walking down Despair Drive is dangerous. And not making a decision about which path to take is in itself a decision. It’s understandable to have a heavy heart after a breakup. But don’t “lose heart.” Resignation to hopelessness can lead to isolation, alienation and further misery. You may even often miss out on support, love and friendship, the very things you need.

Despair Drive or Hope Road? It’s your choice.

God has called you “out of darkness and into his wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9) How will you answer?

When It’s Hard to Move Forward

2011-01-24T21:29:00.002-07:00

If you are not yet ready for day, you may hesitate moving forward many reasons. Perhaps you seem to have a hard time letting go of the past. Your mind keeps wandering back to Memory Lane when things were good and life was happier.

Or, you stress and obsess that maybe he will reconsider. Thinking about this other person preoccupies most of the space in your brain. Maybe he will come back. What if he does? What if he doesn’t? Maybe your chance for love has passed; it’s all over, and nothing will ever change. For whatever reason, hope is stirring, but is thwarted.

You feel like you’ve been emotionally sleepwalking, going through the motions of life, but you’re not fully aware or awake on the inside. Or, you may be physically present but not engaging conversationally with people or with life.

You don’t really want to wake up on the inside because you don’t want to feel the pain. It’s just easier to numb out. Your circumstances still seem dark so maybe you think it’s only natural to want to “sleep” on the inside.

The problem is when you’ve been hurt and your hopes have been dashed, it can be hard to move forward and have hope—not only in a new relationship but in life. Especially if you’ve had many breakups, you get tired of the repeated discouragement. It hurts. It’s hard. And you never want to go through it again. So you put hope to sleep in your life because you don’t want to be disappointed again. You are stuck in your story.

And it’s time to get up.

Of course, adjusting to the light can be difficult at first. Often when I open my blinds in the morning and brightness fills the room, I have to squint at first. It takes time for your eyes to adjust, just as it takes time for your heart to adjust from the darkness of despair to the light of hope.

Dawn turns to day gradually, not suddenly. In the same way, heart healing from a breakup is a process. It’s a series of actions and choices. Healing takes time, and massive amounts of God’s truth being poured into you to combat the feelings and lies that say it will always hurt, it will never get better, or you will never find love again.

My friend Ken once remarked to me about the changing of the seasons, and how you don’t always notice an exact point when the transition occurred. It is gradual, and alights on you when you least expect it. But one day you notice that the lifeless, cement-gray world you’ve known for months has been transformed into to blue skies and blossoms. When did that happen? You see the effects of it, but you may not be aware of the exact moment it changed.

While there may not be a specific “mending point” in your heart healing, it may be a series of moments or progression of turning points. Moments like hearing the comforting words of a friend, or reading an insightful quote from a book, or learning a lesson from nature, or the unexpected warmth of God’s presence wrapped around you and you awaken to the realization that one day everything will be okay.

And you are well on your way to day—-and hope.

Awakening Hope

2011-01-23T17:23:00.006-07:00

Even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night.
--Gwendolyn Brooks

Where I live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, sunrise can be spectacular. The fingers of early morning crawl across the eastern plains, gradually illuminating the city skyline, and increasing in brightness to reveal—like footlights on a stage—the splendor of the majestic snow-capped Pikes Peak. You can almost hear the Director signaling His creation, “Cue the morning; let a new day begin!”

The sun bids the darkness farewell, and the earth awakens. It is a fresh start in your Heart Land as well, as your residual breakup pain fade and hope wakes up. Heartache is turning to healing.

At the break of day, birds chirp cheerily, the alarm rings (not so cheerily), and sunlight streams through your bedroom window announcing the arrival of morning. The aroma of fresh coffee or hot tea beckons.

But for some people it’s hard to get up and get going. It this half asleep-but-not-yet-awake stage, they rouse and stir a bit, yawn and stretch, and then roll over and go back to sleep. They don’t want to get up yet. It’s too early, or they’re too tired, or they simply have no motivation to get out of bed. Perhaps they want to hold on to the last vestiges of night and linger in the darkness.

Others, bless their “I’m a morning person” heart, are exuberant at the crack of dawn. They spring from slumber to waking with the lively energy of Winnie the Pooh’s friend Tigger, full of bounce and ready to start the day.

Either way, getting out of bed is a choice. Just as having hope is a choice. You can choose to stay asleep in the darkness of bitterness, resentment, and hopelessness. With the curtains closed tightly, and no light penetrating your heart, you wallow and mope, and keep moping.

Or instead, you could choose to follow the way of hope, and keep hoping, choosing to move forward into the full light of day—into the fullness of the abundant life of greater peace, joy and wholeness.

The outcome of each path is entirely different.

PRAYER: Here’s a prayer for you to read to yourself or out loud as you talk to God about how you’re feeling: Lord, I need more hope in my life. I need more of You. I feel like I’ve been asleep, dead to the world and dead in my heart. Would you help me to let go of discouragement and depression in my life? I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to run to the feet of Jesus and find comfort, strength, and deeper character. Thank you for showing me that, in your loving sovereignty You direct and redirect my life. You have new things for me, good things. Help me to look forward with faith. Enlighten my heart to see your faithfulness--all you’ve done for me in the past, and all you are doing now on this road from breakup to better days. I put my trust in You. In Jesus’Name, Amen.

You Hurt Me and I Have to Forgive You?

2011-01-22T07:42:00.003-07:00

Forgiving someone who’s hurt you can be difficult. In an ideal world, the person who has wronged you would come forward and say he was sorry. He’d acknowledge his wrong-doing and ask for forgiveness. In an ideal world a lot of things would be different. In your situation, the other person may or may not show signs of repentance, remorse or being sorry. Forgive anyway.

Really?

Yes. It’s time to set your heart free.

It’s not easy, but it is possible—when we know what forgiveness is and is not. I’ve been posting recently on this topic, so if you missed it, check out the other blog posts from this week. Here are some final thoughts. It’s helpful to know that:

Forgiveness releases you. When you do not forgive you are the one that hurts, not the other person. You may feel physically sick, or have other aches and pains from holding onto hurt, anger and resentment. Don’t let an unforgiving heart eat you up on the inside and destroy you.

Whether it was ten years ago or ten days ago, when you forgive you are unbound and free to move into the next season of your life. Forgiveness is the balm that heals the heart.

When the pain has been dealt with you can leave the past in the past. You don’t have to drive on in life constantly looking in the rear view mirror. Because you are now moving forward, you look through the front windshield toward the future.
Will you choose your way and hold on to the hurt, or choose God’s way and forgive?

Freedom, baby. You are the one the can be free.

Forgiveness is not a one time thing. When Peter, one of Christ’s followers back in the day, came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother, Peter thought he was being generous when he offered to forgive up to seven times. Jesus’ reply must have startled Peter when Jesus said seventy times seven. We forgive again and again, but we are also wise as to how we let the other person treat us.

Forgiveness is an act of your will; it is a choice. Choosing to forgive someone is a heart decision. You may still feel hurt or angry but you don’t have to carry it around in your purse or back pocket.

Here’s the key. It may be helpful for you to process the hurt before you are ready to forgive. Check out Chapters 3 and 4 in “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton is Empty” for suggestions on how to deal with your emotions and how to grieve losses. You may want to write in your journal, talk with a trusted friend or Christian counselor about your issues, too.

Another helpful way to prepare your heart to forgive someone is to pretend they are sitting in a chair next to yours. You say whatever you want to say, and can speak freely because no one else is listening. The power of release comes as you let loose and vent with words, tears, or both. Even though they are not there to hear it, speaking aloud releases the pain in you. Just as you take the garbage out of your house, you can get the emotional garbage out of your self.

Forgiveness can eventually lead to acceptance. It takes time to integrate new ways of thinking into your heart and life. But in time, you will be able to come to a place of acceptance that this relationship is over and assimilate this new idea. Acceptance does not always mean you like it or agree with it, it simply frees you to live in reality and get on with your own life.

Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. It can, but it may not always be wise or safe. Forgiveness does not mean we have to have a relationship with the other person or allow them to treat us badly. In addition, the other person may no longer be alive, or may not be able to receive what you have to say. Use discernment to guard your heart and stay away from a person who’s harmed you.

Forgiveness leads to freedom and peace. A person who has been forgiven much and who chooses to forgive others has a freed heart. No longer tethered to the pain of wrong, they can run in righteousness, made right with God. Perhaps you’ve seen it. They are more at peace and have a lighter heart because they’re no longer carrying around the weight of the past. Their shoulders relax, and a smile replaces and angry scowl. By God’s amazing grace and mercy they are never the same.

What is binding you-—bitterness, anger, resentment, or offense? Perhaps it’s time to release your vice grip hold and forgive. Give God your thirst, your ache, and your needs. As you choose to forgive and release, you will find freedom and peace.

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.”
(Psalm 119:32)

After a Breakup: Forgiving Someone Who’s Hurt You

2011-01-19T18:12:00.003-07:00

After a breakup we may have a hard time with forgiving someone who has hurt us.

Sometimes we are wrong and we need forgiveness, and other times we are wronged; someone has hurt us. When they do, Christ wants us to forgive them. But before we can get to that place of release and forgiveness, we often wrestle with the decision. We want the other person to “get it,” to understand how much he has hurt us. We may want him to pay or be punished for what he’s done. The flesh (the human side of us) and the spirit part of us grapple with why we should forgive.

Men and women in relationships can hurt each other deeply. One guy started dating one of my closest friends while we were still together. Another one didn’t even have the guts to break up with me; he just closed off all communication—after two years of being together.

People lie, they hide, and they say and do things that can mar your heart for a really long time. Maybe the guy you were with used you, or maybe you’re sick about letting yourself be used. You didn’t want to, but you gave in to his sexual advances (whether it was sex or just doing more physically than you were comfortable with). You naively thought that would make him love you more—and maybe he would stay. But he didn’t. Maybe he was unkind, tactless or downright cruel. You wanted a promise-keeper and ended up with a promise-breaker. On the other hand, perhaps he was a “great guy” but you’re mad because he didn’t choose you.

We may have myriad reasons to be hurt or angry, and a part of us is hesitant to readily forgive. But our perspective changes when we realize what God has done for us. And in the light of the mercy He’s shown us, we can extend the hand of forgiveness to others.

To be sure, forgiveness does not always come easy. We want the scales of justice to be balanced; we want things to be fair. Yet, when we came to God asking Him for mercy despite our unwise and selfish ways, we were more than okay with the scales tipping in our favor.

Because He has first forgiven us, Christ commands us to forgive. And in an act of loving obedience to the One who loves us most we can follow Ephesians 4:31, 32, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Jesus himself said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14, 15)

Forgiveness comes in time, not always right away. Sometimes we have to grieve it first. Ross Parsley once said, “Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process.”

Forgiving others is possible as you:

Acknowledge you have been hurt. “I have been wronged.”

Receive God’s forgiveness. “I have been wrong, too. I need forgiveness.”

Choose to forgive. “I’m wrestling with why I should I forgive him?”

Release to God in prayer—and forgive. “Because God has forgiven me, I will forgive him.”

While you may have been offended, that does not mean you have to hold on to the offense. In this life we will be hurt or offended many times; that is a given. However, we have the choice of how we respond to the wrongdoing.

John Bevere in The Bait of Satan: Living Free from the Deadly Trap of Offense says that offense is a tool used by the enemy to bring believers in captivity leaving them ensnared and unable to break free. “Pride keeps you from dealing with the truth,” said Bevere, “It distorts your vision. You never change when you think everything is fine.” You hold onto the offense, so you hold back forgiveness.

Bevere helps us to remember the law of sowing and reaping. “…when you sow the love of God, you will reap the love of God.”

Just as you plant seeds in your garden and reap a harvest of summer fruits and vegetables, when you sow seeds of unconditional love you reap the love of God in your own life. And that love gives you the reason— and the power—to release the person who has wounded you.

“The love of God is the key to freedom from the baited trap of offense,” said Bevere.

Forgiveness Unpacked

2011-01-18T07:18:00.001-07:00

Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is not forgetting about what happened or acting like everything is okay. It does not mean that you condone what happened, agree with it or like it. You are not overlooking the offense or excusing it, and you are definitely not letting the offender off the hook for their words or actions.

Instead, you’re putting them on God’s hook, and trusting God to deal with it fairly because He said He would. As you release the person who’s wronged you to God, He ensures justice is served; not you. “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)

I like what C.D. Baker says about God’s justice in 40 Loaves: Breaking Bread with Our Father Each Day, “Yes, God seeks justice and so should we. He grieves when we are oppressed or taken advantage of, and he demands justice on our behalf. But what we forget is that Jesus already paid the price for others’ violations against us…and for our violations against them. We don’t need to seek vengeance.” (emphasis mine)

Indeed, the God of unconditional love is also our advocate for justice.

Forgiving someone who has hurt or wronged you is a big topic, so there’s more to come later this week.

Forgiveness After a Breakup: “You Don’t Owe Me”

2011-01-16T13:17:00.005-07:00

When a relationship ends there are almost always hurt feelings: pain, anger, confusion, betrayal, emptiness—the emotions are myriad. Getting over someone who’s dumped you can be hard, but it’s possible. The key to getting through and getting to the other side—back to joy again—is getting rid of resentment and letting go of offense.

Forgiving the person who’s hurt you—and maybe even forgiving yourself can unlock the door to a freedom and peace you never could have imagined.

“Forgiveness,” says Dan Allender in Bold Love “is the light that penetrates the dark and frees the somber, shamed heart to leap with love.”

Easier said than done, right?

Sometimes, like the leftover brown leaves that cling to bare trees even when their season has passed, we cling to what we want or what we think should happen. “He’s wrong, and I’m right.” or “I want justice (or revenge).” or “What he did was inexcusable.” We hold on to the pain out of pride, ignorance or sheer stubbornness.

But the thing is, holding onto that pain not only continues to hurt you, it can also block you from moving forward with your life. The pent up pain turns into emotional poison works its way into other areas of our lives. Yuk.

You Don’t Owe Me
Years ago Andy Stanley gave a talk on the topic of forgiveness. I remember him saying something to the effect that when you do not forgive, it’s as if you hold that person hostage in your heart. You take them out once in a while, beat them up, and put them back.

When you feel wronged, you think the other person owes you something. They owe you an apology, an explanation, a childhood, a relationship or a marriage. Whatever it is, you are holding them prisoner, but you are the one with the pain.

Then Stanley, with fists closed to demonstrate us holding on to unforgiveness, opened his hands, turned his palms upward and said, “Forgiveness means we release that person and say, ‘You don’t owe me.’”

You don’t owe me. Wow.

How do you go from a place where you feel someone is emotionally indebted to you to a place you can release and forgive? Often people find it difficult to forgive because they are not clear on what forgiveness really is.

C. S. Lewis once said, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

Ponder that, and in the next blog post (on Tuesday) we’ll talk more about what forgiveness is and is not.

Heartache? There is Hope…and It’s Just Around the Corner

2011-01-13T07:07:00.004-07:00

Whether this is your first big breakup or your fifteenth, letting go hurts. The amount of time you spent in the relationship, and how close you were emotionally and physically can all play are part in how long it takes to stop the heartache and move forward.

You may need a period of adjustment and emotional repair to steady your self after a tidal wave has rocked your love boat. Even a sailboat after a squall needs some time in dry dock to repair the hull and mend the sails.

There will be new adventures ahead, but for now, it’s heart restoration time.

A time to heal
You may not believe this right now, but the day will come when you don't think about him every day, and the mention of his name doesn't pierce your heart like a verbal arrow. You can drive past your special place and it no longer has a hold on you. It’s just a place. You know who you are and what you want and it's okay. You know God loves you and He is with you. And that makes all the difference.

The sun sets, the heart breaks, but the light of God’s brilliant and illuminating truth shines on. You come to realize that endings are a part of life, and so are new beginnings.

And you learn that God heals brokenness and brings joy, hope and healing. And one day everything really will be okay. Maybe not today, but some day.

As the tears pour out you discover that everything happens for a reason, even when you don’t understand or like it. Bleary-eyed, you look up and smile as it begins to settle in your heart that God really is in control; He knows what He’s doing, He cares and He is working all things together for the good whether the relationship door slammed shut or gently closed behind you.

A door closes, a window opens, and a fresh breeze blows into the stale mourning stillness that lingers your heart. In the midst of your mess, God surprises you, and things begin to change.

A wise man named Solomon reminds us that, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend.
(Eccl.3:1 and 3:2-7, various)

What time is it in your life? The edge of evening is approaching, and it’s time to get the comfort and support you need to begin the heart healing process.

The rest of your life is waiting.

After a Breakup: Some Perspective on Dealing with Endings

2011-01-11T06:06:00.003-07:00

Twilight. It’s a time of transition. As late afternoon fades into evening, the vivid colors of day disappear, and the sun dips slowly into earth’s edge. In the dimness before nightfall it becomes increasingly harder to see. Likewise, a relationship ending is your own “heart sunset.” Goodbye day; goodbye love.

There are probably a million reasons why it went south. But whether you initiated the split or the other person did, you may be feeling sad, hurt, angry, disappointed or really confused. Some days you just want to sob with your two new best friends, Ben and Jerry (and their ridiculously good frozen treats).

To start, we need some perspective on endings and losses:

1) You’re not a loser. Sometimes we lose people or things we treasure. But it does not mean we are losers.

2) Endings are a part of life. In fact, much of life is about beginnings and endings, transitions and changes, losing and finding anew. You graduate and start a job. You leave a job or move, and start another over again. Loss and gain, good and bad, life and death are all part of life, and life has its cycles.

3) Some endings are necessary. For example, if you were dating someone who treated you poorly, it’s your gain not your loss that he’s no longer in your life. Someone who is rude, obnoxious, or insulting is not a good choice of someone to bond with, much less spend the rest of your life.

4) Big picture. Often we only see things from our own point of view, but God sees the big picture of our lives; the past, present and future, and He knows what is best for each of us.

5) Change will come. You will not stay in this ending phase of life forever; a new beginning will come. You may not know when or how, but it will. Just like the springtime comes every year, even after the hardest of winters.

6) “It’s not always what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it that makes a difference.” So says author Chuck Swindoll. I believe him. You can choose to ignore your pain, numb out, try to forget about it, or do nothing. Or, in the midst of your pain and darkness, you can look to the light of God’s truth for hope, healing and wholeness. Either way, it’s your choice.

How you handle endings, or don’t, will determine how you move forward. Not sure how to do so? Keep reading and each week the blog posts will provide more information. You’re on your way to heart healing!

Getting Over a Breakup: Renovating Your Heart

2011-01-08T18:36:00.004-07:00

Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Micah 7:8

He left you. You left him. Or, you both left. Whatever happened, breakups are messy, complicated and often devastatingly difficult. That’s because we’re designed for attachment and connection, not separation and disconnection.

Yet, for many singles, our dating lives are a series of hello’s and goodbye’s—attaching and detaching—from our teenage years until we stand at the altar (or don’t). We date and breakup, date and breakup in a crazy-making cycle. Often, people who marry and divorce find themselves back in the same pattern, too.

Doesn’t matter if it was two years, two months or two decades, the loss of love can be shattering. Your mind swirls with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he leave? Aren’t I worth being loved well? What if I never find anyone like him again? What if I never find anyone again?

One day you’re sad, the next day you’re angry, and suddenly you’re just numb; you don’t feel anything because it just hurts too much to feel. Maybe you feel rejected, betrayed, or broken-hearted. If you’re the one who left him, you may be suffering guilt and shame. Either way, you just want the pain to stop. You want healing and you want answers.

Is it possible to get through this fragmenting process without falling to pieces?

Yes. Thankfully, yes.

Even though your relationship may have faded like a California sunset, your life can start again land of new beginnings. Just remember, it takes time—and a whole lot of truth—and it’s a process. A journey.

Your healing journey from pain to joy is like the cycle of a day—it goes from darkness to light. We’ll talk more about all this stuff in blog posts all through the month of January. But for now, here’s the big picture.

You’ve basically got these four stages: Twilight, Night, Dawn and Day.

Twilight is a time of endings.

Night is the darkness of grieving your losses.

Dawn is the awakening of truth about your true identity, about who God is and His place in all of this.

Day breaks is a brand new beginning, moving forward with joy into your future.

Bottom line: God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again. He is all about restoration and transformation—from sadness to joy, from rejection to acceptance, and from brokenness to wholeness. The One who loves you most can help you reconnect again—to God, yourself, and others—and in the process to discover what real, healthy love looks like so you can make wiser choices next time.

The good news is that despite your soul injuries, you can live a full and joyful life. It may feel like “The End,” but your new beginning will come.

A Few Hope Quotes

2011-01-06T10:00:00.004-07:00

When you've had a bad day...or just want a cup of warm hope, here are a few good quotes. Sometime we need a bigger perspective, that today is not all we have, that there is more, infinitely more to come. Today may be difficult, and life can have its ups and downs, be we hope for better days.

One day, all things will be made right. That is our wildly good Hope. Today, we press on.

In the end it will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
(Anonymous)

I've read the last page of the Bible. It's all going to turn out all right.
(Billy Graham)

You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. (Joshua 23:14).

Reshaping Your Life: Lessons from a Glassblower

2011-01-02T05:40:00.006-07:00

Your hands shaped me and molded me.
(Job 10:8a, NIV)

Glassblowing is a fascinating art. It’s awe-inspiring to watch a highly skilled craftsman create multi-colored swirls from the basic elements of sand and coloring agents to shape, for instance, a vase.

The process is fascinating: melted glass is gathered from a very hot furnace on the end of a long metal blowpipe. The glass itself is about 2,100 degrees Fahrenheit and has a gooey consistency, like honey.

Highly trained glassblowers breathe air through the blowpipe to the center of the glass goo, twirling and shaping it into something unique and grand. Then he uses a variety of tools to shape the glass into its final form.

As the glass cools, it must be reheated or it will begin to stiffen. As it is reheated the glassblower can continually shape and reshape the object for a longer length of time until he achieves the desired result.

When the piece is finished, it’s placed in a kiln (an oven) for the cooling. This is a slow process, for if it is heated or frozen too quickly, it will crack.

Such aptitude and artistry reminds me of how our Creator, the Master Artist, is in the continual process of molding and remolding us. With mastery and unsurpassed ability, God lovingly shapes us to help us become all we are intended to be. He knows what He is doing and He excels at the craft.

You may feel like you’re in the hot furnace of trials and afflictions. Yet, it’s in those very times we become pliable in the hands of the expert. We become more beautiful and useful in the process.

We are His works of art. Thankfully, God doesn’t leave us in an art gallery but asks us to go out into the world and share the beauty and usefulness He has given us with others.

Hope...and A Brand New Year

2010-12-31T07:08:00.003-07:00

So it's a brand new year...almost. Just a few more hours until 2011. Will it be full of hope...love...joy...all that you dream of? Most likely there will be good times and challenging times--that's life. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to "wake up" to some things in our lives.

In the quiet of a winter day, think about what you really want in this next year, your big dreams and your little ones. They all matter. Then BELIEVE that things could be different. We do our part; God does His part and amazing things can happen.

Your dreams of the future may seem to be asleep now, but they can arise. And like you stir and rustle and finally get outta bed...your hopes and dreams can get up and get going too.

It's a new year, and it's time for some things in your life to wake up. I'm hoping they will in mine.

Arise
Snowfall on tall pines,
Sunrise and stirring
Of quiet and big dreams
As a new year awakens.

Dark-covered winter with
Dormant believing
Leads joyfully into
Spring’s hope-filled returning

When flowers and faith
Resurrect from earth’s slumber
Alive and reminded
Of God’s faithful goodness.

What Path Will You Choose?

2010-12-27T06:52:00.002-07:00

So the new year is only a few days away. You may still be reeling from your Christmas sugar hangover. You may be back at work. Either way it's coming: 2011. What will you do with it?

Do you want things to be different? Do you long for significant changes in your life? I do. On one hand I am supremely happy for my friends and their blessings. One close friend just heard news that her adoption is coming through. After years of longing, fulfillment. Another friend in a warm state has a fantastic boyfriend who loves and cares for her in ways that are startlingly kind. I am amazed. She is almost engaged.

To be sure, I am not bemoaning my own life. I am thankful to have published two books, with a third on the way. They have boyfriends or babies, I "birth" books.

I guess all this end of year stuff has me thinking. I am grateful for what I have, but what do I want to change in my life? How can I actually get there?

If I have been following a certain path, how can I get on the one that leads to lifetime love? Maybe that's what all this mulling is about. We have career goals and weight goals and all sorts of goals. What about love goals? Weird, perhaps. But maybe necessary if the trajectory of life is to ever change.

I want to "live a life of love." You know, be kind to others, help people, give them grace when they mess up, really listen, and truly care. But I also want to receive love...give and receive...like a good volley in tennis--back and forth so both players are satisfied.

Hmmmm. My prayer for this new year, 2011 and beyond is that you would walk forward on the path that makes your heart soar. Take a step, take the hand of the One who loves you most, Jesus Christ. Ask Him to lead you into all He has for you in this life...and not to miss it.

I plan to.

I don't want to miss love...of all kinds.

A Merry Christmas to You!

2010-12-18T16:21:00.003-07:00

It's that time of year, and I wanted to share this holiday poem with you. It is, to me, about the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas. Enjoy! May your heart be merry and may you take the time to help someone else's heart be merry too.

What is Christmas?
To some it is Santa and snowmen and toys,
To some it’s the shopping, bright wrappings and noise,
To others it’s family and everyone’s home,
To me, it’s much more. Let me share in this poem…

Christmas is where it all began,
An infant child who became a man.
Eternity came down so we could understand,
The child of Creator, the true Son of Man.

He was not unexpected, for the prophets foretold
The events that had happened would surely unfold.
Four hundred years later the miracle came,
The star over Bethlehem shone where He lay.

They came to attend Him from near and from far,
The shepherds and wise men who followed the star.
All were rejoicing that first Christmas night
At the child of a virgin, a humbling sight.

So what is the meaning of that first Christmas night?
Simply, He came to make everything right.
For the Child had a purpose in coming to Earth.
He came as a light and to give us new birth.

He gave us forgiveness and paid with His life.
What kind of love would pay such a price?
For death could not hold Him; He rose from that grave.
And freedom and life were the gifts that He gave.

No longer divided, no longer alone,
Because of His love the wall had come down.
Live free forever! O, what a gift!
Both now here on earth and forever with Him.

Wise men and angels followed Him then.
Wise men still seek Him, again and again.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Flirting with the Best Man

2010-12-16T13:46:00.002-07:00

Flirting with the Best Man

Staring at the bridegroom
Stands a radiant, stunning bride.
Draped in silk and taffeta
And yet her vision slides…
To the man standing beside him
With a grin a mile wide.

Looking handsome as he can be
Is the bridegroom’s own best man.
The bride looks down and clutches hard
The bouquet between her hands,
Wondering how this new distraction
Will affect her wedding plans.

The best man tries to woo her,
The bride becomes confused.
She thought the bridegroom was The One,
Yet now she has to choose.
Will she pass the tempter’s test?
What does she have to lose?

Though lured for just a moment
Her heart cries out, “No, wait!”
For the bride could see the look of love
Upon the bridegroom’s face.
How could another ever take
Her dear beloved’s place?

A test, indeed, for we, the bride,
The Church, have often spurned
The One, True Bridegroom, Jesus Christ.
O, how our hearts have turned!
We try to seek and find true love,
But lessons must be learned:

No flirting with the best man.
Don’t let the feelings start.
For the best man is not always
The best man for the part.
The Bridegroom is the Chosen One,
And He must have your heart.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

a winter poem

2010-12-13T03:40:00.002-07:00

A Wintry Day in a Pine Grove

I stood alone in woods
Of pine
With head upturned
Toward winter’s sky,
And found refreshment
For my soul
In pine boughs laden
With new-fallen snow.

And stopping there I
Paused to ponder
Nature,
God’s creative wonder.
And thank Him for
The forest green
Amidst the stark, white
Wintry scene.

Walking on, I turned
To see the branches
Waving back at me,
Beckoning,
As if to say, “Come back
Again another day
To laugh and dance
And dream and play.”

- Jackie M. Johnson

When It's Hard to Wait

2010-12-09T11:04:00.002-07:00

A Time for Everything

When waiting seems hard
And things seem to be slow,
When the stoplight says, “wait”
And you just want to go,
Here’s a lesson in timing
For your life and mine:
God is not slow.
No, He keeps perfect time.

Can you say to a newborn,
“Get up and run?”
Or make the moon rise
In place of the sun?
Can you order a rosebud
To open up now?
Or hurry a calf
Being birthed from a cow?

To everything there’s a time
And an hour,
For our lives to unfold
And for roses to flower.
There’s a reason and purpose
For every delay,
And with patience and timing
We’ll get there someday.

For the work of waiting
Is finally believing
That it all comes from God
Who delights us in giving.
And His power will bring forth
What is best, and we’ll find
That deliverance will come,
For He keeps perfect time.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Watching Wild Geese Fly

2010-12-01T16:57:00.002-07:00

Watching Wild Geese Fly

Pepper in the sky
Flying south, flying high
Little black dots swaying
Back and forth
Specks that soar
Above earth’s golden treetops.
A whisper of wind
And they’re gone again
Leaving a blank azure sky.

Waving goodbye to summer,
Watching wild geese fly.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

You Deserve a Rest Today

2010-11-19T13:16:00.002-07:00

Rest, Relaxation, Chillin’, Sabbath. Whatever you want to call it, rest comes easily for some, but for others it’s hard to rest. Seriously. We have a generation of super busy people, many with a “taskmaster” mentality.

It’s time to stop the insanity and reclaim our right to rest.

Mark Buchanan wrote a fantastic book on this very topic. It’s called “The Rest of God.” In it, he talks about people who don’t really understand the whole rest concept—especially the Big Why—why it’s okay to rest.

He says, “The lie the taskmasters want you to swallow is that you cannot rest until your work’s all done, and done better than you’re currently doing it. But the truth is, the work’s never done, and never done quite right. It’s always more than you can finish and less than you had hoped for.”

Then he gives us the true scoop?

“The rest of God…is not a reward for finishing. It’s not a bonus for work well done,” says Buchanan. “It’s a sheer gift.”

A gift? Huh. That means if someone gives us a gift, we need to receive it and put it to use. We need to know more.

“(Rest) is a stop-work order in the midst of work that’s never complete, never polished,” Buchanan continues. “Sabbath is not the break we’re allotted at the tail end of completing all our tasks and chores, the fulfillment of all our obligations. It’s the rest we take smack-dab in the middle of them, without apology, without guilt, and for no better reason than God told us we could.”

Bingo!

God told us we could rest. Well, who am I to argue with the Highest Authority in the entire universe? I can rest. You can rest.

It’s Friday, ponder that while you unwind this weekend and remember who you are.

Where have you seen "When Love Ends"?

2010-10-19T11:32:00.004-06:00

My new book, "When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty" is now available online and in stores everywhere--like Barnes and Noble, Family Christian Store and other random places.

Mim in Florida saw "When Love Ends" in the gift shop at Troyer's Dutch Heritage Restaurant in Sarasota.

Where have YOU seen the book?

Let me know and I will post it on my blog. And, if you have a photo (of you with the book, or a photo of the place), send it along. Photo or no photo, it's always fun to find out where in the world you've seen it.

Thanks! And may you find hope, encouragement, and joy today!

Reawakening Your Hopes and Dreams

2010-09-29T12:03:00.003-06:00

(Photo credit: Dave Frahm)

Dormant Dreams

Desires and dreams encased in a seed,
Released in the black earth of faith.
Time to let go of what I think I need,
And hold on to the hope of His grace.

Longingly gazing at empty brown dirt,
Can’t make your dreams grow any faster.
For the seed in the soil is dormant, not dead.
Look up, to the face of the Master.

Call out for courage, have patience, have faith!
A mystery’s unveiling, my friend.
For a small, simple seed can yield sunflower gold.
Surely, this isn’t the end.

In the fullness of time, resurrection.
The earth births a tender young shoot.
Nurtured and tended with strong, loving hands
The flower grows deep, solid roots.

And the seedling unfolds to a blossom,
Pure artistry formed in the dark.
In His perfect timing the Harvester brings
Fruition to desires of the heart.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

Pray On!

2010-09-26T16:20:00.005-06:00

Let's face it, life can be hard sometimes. But when we pray, things change...people change...we change. I wrote this poem and thought I'd share it with you. It's about many of life's challenges--whether it's a trying season or day-to-day living--and how we need to PRAY anyway. Enjoy! And pray on...

Pray On

When the bills are due, when the pain lingers on,

or the adoption agency is taking too long.

When you’re trying to balance family and work,

or your boss is annoying or simply berserk.

When a prodigal child simply will not come home,

or the debt collectors won’t leave you alone.

When the car wreck leaves you with metal to mend,

or the man that you loved left you for your best friend.

When you feel overwhelmed—always busy and stressed—

or you can’t seem to focus and your house is a mess.

When you’re lonely, depressed, or stuck in your life,

and you wonder if you’re a good person or wife.

When there’s trauma or pain, or just day-to-day living,

or you find that you always do most of the giving.

When you’re pondering daily the life you’ve been dealt,

with finances, job, relationships, health.

When you’re searching for wisdom, or purpose, or faith

some heart healing, joy, simplicity, space.

When there’s less in your wallet and more on your thighs,

and your mind reels with questions, like “What? How? or Why?”

When you don’t understand and you can’t see the way,

You need four simple words: “Lord, teach me to pray.”

Don’t give up, don’t give in, even though strength seems gone,

Just hold on to hope and pray on, friend.

Pray on.

-- Jackie M. Johnson

San Antonio Baby

2010-09-07T22:39:00.008-06:00

A Confident Child!

This is Elliana. She's almost two, and she's my godchild. As a single person, it's a blessing to have children in your life to remind you how fun--and sometimes silly--life can be. I'm very happy to be able to see her this weekend in San Antonio, Texas. Children can be such a delight!

New Beginnings

2010-07-19T10:29:00.004-06:00

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” – Seneca

Life is about endings and new beginnings, but I don’t always like it. Sure, some endings are necessary. You have to leave high school to get to college. You have to leave college to get a job. You may join the military, get married, move to another city, or start a new business. Things end and new things begin. I get it.

But the hard thing is when endings happen that you didn’t choose. You didn’t want it, and you sure don’t like it.

It could be disappointing—not a big deal, but something that annoys you—like being late for a meeting because of road construction, or finding out that the guy you met over the 4th of July forgot to tell you he has a girlfriend.

Or it could be big-time discouraging, like an unexpected bankruptcy or a miscarriage. Maybe you’ve had a messy relationship breakup, a death in the family, or a divorce. Or, your job suddenly ended because the economy tanked. Could it be that you’ve lost money in the stock market and your 401k now feels more like a 201k?

Whatever it is, you can choose how you deal with endings. I’ve heard that Chuck Swindoll says, “It’s not always what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it that makes a difference.”

You can choose to ignore your pain, numb out, or do nothing. Or, in the midst of your pain and darkness, you can look to the light of God’s truth for hope, healing and wholeness. Either way, it’s your choice. How you handle endings, or don’t, will determine how you move forward.

What will you choose?

To take things into your own hands,
or wait on God for His way, His will, and His timing?

To lean on what you can grasp with your human mind,
or believe that God really does know what He’s doing, even when you do not?

To believe the lies that say, “My life is over. It’s too late for me.
I’m too old, too broke, too far gone, too _____ (fill in the blank)”
or reject the lies and have hope?

Hope, that maybe one day things really could be different.

Hope, that the One who knows and loves you most could already be at work with good plans specifically for you, “plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11)

Whether you chose your ending, or it chose you, a new beginning is possible.

Consider the acorn—the little cup-shaped thing with a hat that falls from an oak tree. From one small seed grows an amazingly tall and strong tree. Beauty and purpose (like shade and wind protection) spring up from this small, hard piece of potential.

Your new beginning is like an acorn, it’s filled with possibilities. Dreams surrendered to God, like an acorn planted in the soil, will grow. Held solely in your hand nothing happens. Nothing.

As you surrender and release your desires and dreams to God, He grows in your life new things…new opportunities…a new life.

Small beginnings, big results.

It’s time to begin again.

Photo credit: Dave Frahm

Finding Comfort When Life Hurts

2010-07-15T17:31:00.002-06:00

When life hurts, what do you do for comfort?

Most people don’t like a heart vacancy or a blank calendar, so they seek to fill the void with excessive eating, drinking, partying, or jumping too quickly into another relationship just to ease the pain. We are quick to want to cram the heart holes with what we think will satisfy.

But these unhealthy ways of coping are false comforters that promise relief from pain yet turn out to be harmful, unhealthy or temporary. And the vacuum remains.

When the intensity of an empty heart comes over you, everything in you just wants to feel better. You need consolation and reassurance that your feelings are valid, and that one day it really will be okay. How will you find comfort? What brings you relief and reassurance?

Here are some helpful ideas to help you get the support you need:

Let yourself cry. Tears bring cleansing and comfort. Author and speaker Jill Briscoe once said that “God gives us enough tears to keep our clay moist so He can mold us.” We are the clay, He is the potter, and God is reshaping your life for good and holy purposes.

Find true comfort. When false comforters leave you emotionally and physically stranded, it’s time to say goodbye to imitations and hello to the real thing: the true comfort found in “the God all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4). His love, His presence, and His word are healing gifts.

Talk to God. Prayer is a vital key in your healing process. Why not start each day with prayer for wisdom, guidance, and favor and end each day with a prayer of thanks and gratitude for all He’s done for you that day (whether you enjoyed it or endured it)?

Release and receive. Picture yourself standing before the Lord with open hands, palms faced up. Ask God to help you to be okay with empty spaces in your life right now, and trust Him to fill your open hands with good things.

Worship also brings healing and comfort. In worship, you’re not just singing songs. You’re focusing on God, not yourself. You are entering into His presence with a heart to give—communicating your love, gratitude and adoration—but you also end up receiving hope, healing, joy and a fresh encounter with God.

Talk with trusted friends or family members. Albert Schweitzer once said, “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Telling your story can help to ease your heart’s pain and bring emotional healing. When someone listens we feel validated. When someone empathizes we feel comfort and relief.

Write in a journal or notebook. Writing your thoughts and prayers in a journal can be helpful and healing. When your feelings appear on a page (or even typed online) they are no longer swirling inside your head. You can vent your emotions, release your pain, and do so in the privacy of your personal journal. You may even want to ask God, “What do you want me to learn from this?” And write the life lessons you learn.

Nurture your spirit. When your heart is hurting it’s helpful to take care of yourself and remember what makes you feel good. What would best nurture your soul, mind and body right now? Comfort comes in a variety of ways and uses some or all of our five senses, like:

the touch of a friend’s hug, a therapeutic massage, or a warm comforter around you as you rest in an overstuffed chair by a roaring fire;

the sight of the stunning beauty of God’s creation (on vacation or right in your own backyard), or a redecorated apartment;

the smell fresh cut flowers filling your living room, or a new perfume;

the taste of your favorite comfort foods (like creamy mashed potatoes or a hot caramel latte);

the sound of relaxing music, the melody of a flowing river on a nature walk, or a phone call from a kind friend who is really good at cheering you up.

May your unfailing love be my comfort…
Psalm 119:76

Friendship --One of Life's Greatest Blessings

2010-07-12T10:09:00.002-06:00

Thinking about friendship, and what a wonderful gift it is. Here are some though-provoking quotes on friendship:

Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief. (Swedish proverb)

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen. (Samuel Paterson)

A friend is someone who reaches out for your hand...and touches your heart. (Anonymous)

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. (Bernard Meltzer)

There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential. (Rusty Berkus)

Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends. (Cindy Lew)

Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same. (Anonymous)

Learning to Wait Well - Part 2

2010-07-08T11:21:00.003-06:00

The art of waiting well begins as you learn how to live as you wait.

As you wait, prepare. Sometimes we need to develop more of our inner life so we are ready for the next season God has for us. We spend an amazing amount of time on the outside of our bodies with clothes, hair and makeup, but we also need to grow on the inside.

Preparation to grow up on the inside begins as we first “grow down,” much like the like the roots of a bamboo tree. For the first six years, an extensive root system is developed under the earth. If you stood there and looked at where the bamboo tree was plated you’d think nothing was happening. Finally, in the seventh year, the bamboo plant shoots up 80 feet tall! But only with such a widespread root system could the tree have the support need for such explosive growth. Although it seemed like nothing was happening, God was at work preparing for growth.

As you wait, pray. You can never go wrong when you put God first. Waiting is a time of realignment; to get first things first and line up your heart with God again. You may think you are too busy and don’t have time to pray. But think of it not as spending time in prayer, but investing time in prayer. Just as you invest your financial resources to get a return, you invest time in prayer and the return is greater than anything you could imagine. Answered prayer, yes, but more importantly a closer, enjoyable relationship with God.

As you wait, have patience. How do we endure delay when we don’t know how long it will take to get to our destination or even how to get there? Life often has unexpected twists and turns, and we need patience—persistence and staying power. Thankfully, God gives us guidance to stay on the right track. Our job is to listen and obey Him.

On the western shore of Lake Michigan, along the Wisconsin coastline, is Harrington Beach. One sunny Saturday I decided to drive there which, according to the map, should take less than two hours from my home in Milwaukee. As I drove along, I could finally see the lake on my right and thought I’d be there shortly. But suddenly the highway turned inland and soon I was driving past farmland and bright red barns. It didn’t seem like I was going the right direction since my car was headed farther away from the lake. This can’t possible be the way. I want to go to the beach, yet I’m driving inland past farms!

I stopped at a gas station and asked the attendant if this was the right way to get to the beach, and he assured me it was. While the road had twists and bends, it would eventually lead to my destination. Hmmm. I guess I just needed to follow his directions and wait for the right exit. I pressed on.

Finally, there was a sign that pointed to the correct road to lead me to the beach. I parked my car, and walked through a short wooded path, and down a few wooden stairs. As I descended, I looked up and saw most amazing expanse of sand and water I’d ever seen at a Midwestern beach. To my right and left, miles of sand beckoned me to walk. The waves crashed on the shore, sea gulls cawed, and a gentle breeze blew off the lake and cooled me.

God knew the entire time I’d get to that the beach, even as I drove on winding roads that seemed to be going in the opposite direction. He knew the way; I did not. And I learned a big lesson in trust and patience that day. Waiting means that we trust God is leading us, guiding and directing, enduring delay even when the journey doesn’t look how we think it should.

-- from “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty,” by Jackie M. Johnson. (Moody Publishing, 2010)